So How Did You Know You Were Ready For...KIDS!?

In My Humble Opinion
1

I’m at the point in my life where I’m feeling the time is approaching to either shit or get off the pot. I’m 32-not ancient but …
To all the parents out there–what thoughts went through your head when you finally decided it clicked for you to have kids?

On one hand, the idea of having my own family really appeals to me, but on the other, the loss of ‘freedom’ freaks me out. The time, the money, the energy, re setting of priorities. One day I am totally convinced I am ready. Then the next day, I have talked myself out of it! I am driving myself crazy. I think I am the type that can live without out it, but then I am convinced that in the future I will have regretted not having kids, and by then, of course, it will be too late.
I’m not asking anyone to solve this for me, I’m just hoping that some experienced insight will help me get my bearings.
thanx

2

I wasn’t ready to have kids, but my daughter arrived anyway. Best thing that ever happened to me. It’s great.

What I’m not ready for now is a teenager . . .

3

Nevermind, you sound exactly like I did when I was 32.

After a while I just said, well, let’s try, if it was meant to be, it will happen. I got pregnant after a few months. It’s made me totally rearrange my lifestyle (from partying every night to staying in and reading and playing with my son), and you know what? I could not be happier. I think it’s because I had a long time to get all that out of my system first.

I guess you’ll know you’re ready when you actually start going for it, and once you’re pregnant, you’ll have 9 months to prepare yourself for the change.

Then it’s 18 years of pulling out your hair. :smiley:

4

I haven’t really known anyone that actually said they were ready for kids. It’s changed they’re life and they are all happy about it though.

Like Mephisto I wasn’t ready but my son came along anyway, and then my daughter, and I’m happy with both of them.

5

I think everybody feels like that–“yeah, I want kids!”/“What am I thinking?” At least, I feel like that and I already have one. (She’s great.) I don’t know that you’re ever ready–you just grow as you go along.

6

We decided we wanted to start our family, but we definitely weren’t ready for everything that faced us. Still, we figgered it out as we went along, indeed, we’re still figgering almost 17 years later. My only regret, if that’s the right word, is that we didn’t meet sooner and start our family when we were a bit younger. OTOH, we had a lot of years to do a lot of things that we never could have done with a kid.

How did we know? Dunno - it just seemed right.

7

I knew I was ready for kids when I was dilated 10cm.

My kids just happened. I was married. I was using contraception (but not to diligently-- obviously!) and one day I was pregnant. It was a little frightening, but I was overjoyed at the news. My husband and I knew we were going to have kids one day and one day we did.

8

It strikes me as strange that Mr. or Mrs. Nevermind’s views on the subject were not mentioned.

9

I just got amazingly clucky when my sister had her first kid. Must have set off some sort of hormonal surge, because after that it became the PRIME focus of my life to have a kid.
Nothing else mattered except [coo] babies [/coo].

Now I realize it was some sort of insanity, and I shoulda been locked up.

10

You’re supposed to wait until you know you’re ready for kids???

Seriously, for us, it was just a matter of do-it-now-or-regret-it-later. The missus was worried that she wouldn’t be fertle for too much longer, and if we had opted for the original plan of waiting until after we bought a house and settled down, it might be “too late.” So we tossed caution to the winds and let nature take its course.

11

I doubt anyone is ready for kids. They are a real pain, but looking back it was the best time of my life. It was a wrench when they came; it was a wrench when the last one went to school; it was a wrench when they went, one by one, off to college and never really came back. Now they are 300, 350 and 3000 miles away and mostly settled and my wife and I spend much of our time visiting. So go ahead have your kids and enjoy it while it lasts.

12

My kids just happened. I wasn’t ready even though I was 28 with the first and 30 with the second. I think being older helped me adjust to having them (I didn’t miss out on my youth, etc.) I’d never go back for all the tea in China. I think you just have to find out for yourself. You’ll never be ready no matter how hard you try, it’ll still shock and suprise you and in good ways as well as the less good ones.

13

We felt pretty ready, but never had an outright talk that we wanted to put a bun in the oven. Our personal life and work situation kinda stabled out, my wife was in her early 30’s and we had been married about 7 years. Certainly it made me really nervous, but as I said to China Wife, just because I am nervous does not mean I don’t want a baby and am not overjoyed. I am overjoyed, but am nervous.

Again, like others have said, having kids in your 30’s is a lot different than in your 20’s. I think you’re probably more settled, and have had the opportunity to do a lot of things so it doesn’t seem like having kids makes you miss out that much.

I love backpacking. Won’t be able to do that for many more years. Ya, it sucks, but then again, I literally spent a couple of years backpacking around China, and at least a year of serious trekking. So, I’m not pinning away for something I’ve never done.

14

I keep reading “you’re never ready/ you’ll just know…”
I guess for some reason I was expecting to have some kind of, I don’t know, like kambuckta said… ‘overwhelming urge.’ (Or maybe divine inspiration?) But I guess it doesn’t work that way for everyone. I guess I’m just a scaredy cat since it is such a permanent decision. Can’t undo it. Can’t go back. Can’t say, Nope, not for me, changed my mind!" …NEVERMIND! I don’t do change well, and I like having control over my life and control over which direction it goes. (major factors, anyway, I’m not a TOTAL control freak) It would be interesting to hear REASONS WHY we CHOOSE to have kids. I don’t know why I feel the need to have a logical reason to chew on. Maybe I’m just thinking & analyzing too much.

Thanks for the input. Its good to hear so many felt like I do now before doing it.

And Chula…It isn’t strange that MR. Nevermind’s feelings weren’t mentioned. This was about figuring out how I, as an indivdual, feel; not about how he feels. But just for the record, he’s thinking a lot like I am. Which is, in a way, a good thing. No pressure.

15

I keep reading “you’re never ready/ you’ll just know…”
I guess for some reason I was expecting to have some kind of, I don’t know, like kambuckta said… ‘overwhelming urge.’ (Or maybe divine inspiration?) But I guess it doesn’t work that way for everyone. I guess I’m just a scaredy cat since it is such a permanent decision. Can’t undo it. Can’t go back. Can’t say, Nope, not for me, changed my mind!" …NEVERMIND! I don’t do change well, and I like having control over my life and control over which direction it goes. (major factors, anyway, I’m not a TOTAL control freak) It would be interesting to hear REASONS WHY we CHOOSE to have kids. I don’t know why I feel the need to have a logical reason to chew on. Maybe I’m just thinking & analyzing too much.

Thanks for the input. Its good to hear so many felt like I do now before doing it.

And Chula…It isn’t strange that MR. Nevermind’s feelings weren’t mentioned. This was about figuring out how I, as an indivdual, feel; not about how he feels. But just for the record, he’s thinking a lot like I am. Which is, in a way, a good thing. No pressure.

Hari- you sound sad about the whole family thing–I’m sorry your kids are so far away.

16

I keep reading “you’re never ready/ you’ll just know…”
I guess for some reason I was expecting to have some kind of, I don’t know, like kambuckta said… ‘overwhelming urge.’ (Or maybe divine inspiration?) But I guess it doesn’t work that way for everyone. I guess I’m just a scaredy cat since it is such a permanent decision. Can’t undo it. Can’t go back. Can’t say, Nope, not for me, changed my mind!" …NEVERMIND! I don’t do change well, and I like having control over my life and control over which direction it goes. (major factors, anyway, I’m not a TOTAL control freak) It would be interesting to hear REASONS WHY we CHOOSE to have kids. I don’t know why I feel the need to have a logical reason to chew on. Maybe I’m just thinking & analyzing too much.

Thanks for the input. Its good to hear so many felt like I do now before doing it.

And Chula…It isn’t strange that MR. Nevermind’s feelings weren’t mentioned. This was about figuring out how I, as an indivdual, feel; not about how he feels. But just for the record, he’s thinking a lot like I am. Which is, in a way, a good thing. No pressure.

Hari- you sound sad about the whole family thing–I’m sorry your kids are so far away.

17

Hey Nevermind - I’m 32 and have the exact same questions you do. Mr. dreamer and I have been married just about 6 years and have been thinking about starting a family. We’ve been putting it off for a few years I guess because it just didn’t feel like it was time yet. Actually it still doesn’t feel like it’s time yet. We’re both musicians in a band that just got together about 8 months ago and we want to give it a little time to see what happens. We’ve worked incredibly hard to get to this point and have to give it a shot or I know we would regret it. We both want kids and hope and pray we’re making the right decision in waiting. He’s 38 and I keep thinking if we wait much longer our kids will be so young when we’re 50! I also get a little concerned when I hear 35 or younger is the best time to be pregnant or to have better chances of getting pregnant. Did I mention the fact that I’m scared to death of giving birth? sigh

18

Hey Nevermind - I’m 32 and have the exact same questions you do. Mr. dreamer and I have been married just about 6 years and have been thinking about starting a family. We’ve been putting it off for a few years I guess because it just didn’t feel like it was time yet. Actually it still doesn’t feel like it’s time yet. We’re both musicians in a band that just got together about 8 months ago and we want to give it a little time to see what happens. We’ve worked incredibly hard to get to this point and have to give it a shot or I know we would regret it. We both want kids and hope and pray we’re making the right decision in waiting. He’s 38 and I keep thinking if we wait much longer our kids will be so young when we’re 50! I also get a little concerned when I hear 35 or younger is the best time to be pregnant or to have better chances of getting pregnant. Did I mention the fact that I’m scared to death of giving birth? sigh

19

oops - sorry. dang double post…

20

Nevermind - Sit down and pay attention to what I have to say.

You trepidation is well-placed. Having a child is something you cannot undo, and it is an enormous commitment.

It involves not only loss of freedom, but severe restrictions on the kind of lifestyle you’re allowed to have.

It’s a colossal emotional drain. You will be enraged, frustrated, depressed, disappointed, and bewildered…sometimes all on the same day.

It will require you to deal with all manner of problems that are not your fault and which you have no control over. A child, no matter how tightly disciplined, is still a person separate from you with an independent mind, and you never completely know what to expect.

Having a child is something that many people would be vastly better off in every conceivable way not doing, that certain people should be very sure of before doing, and that certain people should not do at all (I’m one of them).

I live in one of the most peaceful parts of the country…no drug crises, no rampant crime, no impoverished neighborhoods, nothing like that…and I am surrounded by the most horrible parents avaiable. Selfish, arrogant, closed-minded, disrespectful, and just plain obnoxious parents are legion. No doubt they all started families for the same reason: “It was the right thing to do.” I tell you now, if you’re going to be a lousy parent, it is NEVER the right thing to do. It’s a crime that these people are allowed to raise families.

Ask yourself why you’re considering this. Is it something that you truly, honestly desire and that you know you’re capable of? Or is it something to satisfy some social or moral mandate? If it’s the latter, don’t even consider it. Some fools call a childless existence “selfish”, but in reality, the opposite is true; it’s unbelievably selfish to bring an unwanted child into the world just to take some pressure off yourself.

I know my stance is not a popular one, and to be honest, I don’t give a damn. You sound completely ambiguous on this, and that is more than enough evidence for me that you should NOT rush into this. I don’t care how many flames I get for this; it it prevents even one unwanted child from having his or her outlook on life being forever ruined by growing up in an angry, unloving environment, it’s worth it.

Check out the articles on www.ninapaley.com for additional reference.