Specifically, if you plan on staying together. I can see how one might feel it’s necessary to bring up as delicately as possible during the “Why Mommy and Daddy Aren’t Together Anymore” discussion, but if you plan on staying together, then what? *Is *there an age when you tell? If so, what is it? Would you tell a 6 year old? A 16 year old? Your adult child who doesn’t live with you?
In case anyone feels like speculating, I’m purely curious here. The husband isn’t playing grab ass with anyone, and we don’t have any children.
I don’t really see why you have to tell. It’s not any of the kid’s business, if the kid doesn’t already know/it happened when the kid was too young to be aware.
I’m gonna strongly recommend “never” here. I mean, if it happens to come to light somehow, then you offer a cursory explanation, but otherwise… I can’t imagine why they’d ever need to know.
I don’t think it’s any of the child’s business whether their parents have had an affair if the parents have patched things up and moved on.
If the child is the product of an affair you should probably tell them at some point. I might tell an adult child who was having problems with an affair in their own relationship, if talking about my experience might help them.
Yeah, I would say don’t tell. You’re telling, not because they need to know, but because you need to tell. It’s a delusion.
If, when they are young adults you are directly asked, then, and only then, is the time for full disclosure, not before.
My parents separated when I was 16yrs. My mother proceeded to unburden herself to me about a lot of things she should have kept personal. I didn’t ask, I didn’t need to know and the pretext of knowing why the relationship failed was a thinly veiled excuse for her to share a lot of inappropriate stuff.
Even at 16 I remember wondering, “What is she thinking!”
I can only imagine how a younger child would take it on board.
Your children are not your peers, friends, or confidants and shouldn’t be treated as such, in my opinion.
Okay, I lie when I say “purely” curious. This isn’t about me, but I do know some people who think it’s okay to tell a first grader about Daddy liking to reach up the skirts of other women. My thought was, “Why?” I don’t understand why that’s ever your kid’s business, especially the business of a kid who still needs a booster seat to ride in the car. But that’s just me. Wondering what other folks think.
When I was 12 or so, my mom told me that my dad had had affairs (they’d been divorced for years). I remember thinking a couple of very uncharitable things: “What’s wrong with you that he slept with other women?” and “Maybe if you’d been nicer to him, he wouldn’t have left us.”
I can’t think of a good reason to tell a child that a parent has been unfaithful.
Heh, a couple of people actually. One is my brother’s baby mama (or whatever the terminology is) who likes to tell her kiddo all sorts of grown ups only information. Another is a woman who felt it necessary to tell her 6 or 7 year old kid about the special naked magic Daddy was making with another girl. This same woman has also taken to power-stalking the other girl.
It’s creepy on so many levels. I mean, it’s bad enough to tell a young kid that their father is having affairs, but to tell the kid that their father is groping other women just adds another level of creepiness. “Hey kid, your dad’s the Village Rapist!”
Ha ha ha, that is hilarious. The groping/upskirt language was mine. Basically, I’m talking about people telling their children that the other parent had, or is having, an affair.
I wouldn’t say absolutely never. I don’t think age is the determining factor. But the affair might cause events in the kids’ life (parental separation, big screaming fights, sudden firing of the beloved nanny, drunk guy showing up waving a gun on the lawn) that would need to be explained. I think the right thing to do would be for the parents to tell the child together, after discussing between themselves what to say, if it needed to be done. I think age would influence more how you explained it than whether something needed to be said. Kids’ imaginations can sometimes be worse than the truth.
I was told a whole lot of TMI growing up, which leads me not to relate to keeping things secret from kids. Still, it gives me some perspective on how TMI can be more or less damaging depending on how it’s delivered.
I can understand having to bring it up in order to explain the changes that will occur. The Mommy and Daddy Aren’t Together spiel might be followed by 1,000 Why?s, but I’m not sure why this has to come up if the couple has agreed that they’re going to stay together and tough it out. Do you think this is something that should be shared with the children in general?
Not in general, but if there’s stuff that the kid will have a hard time making sense of without knowing the truth. Otherwise the kid may be making stuff up to explain it that is worse than reality. “Daddy thought he loved another woman but it turns out he really does love Mommy after all” is not necessarily a huge deal to a kid. Thinking your parents may spontaneously have huge fights and leave seemingly at random could be just as bad. If the whole thing has been completely under the kid’s radar, probably no need to bring it up, but kids are more observant than we sometimes give them credit for. Also, sometimes kids do know about the affair, and feel burdened about whether they should tell. I just don’t think the answer is an absolute.
When my grandmother was in her dotage, we used to go visit her in the nursing home. Due to her condition, it was difficult to talk about much that was current. The best way to keep her from repeating herself was to get her talking about the past. This made the time pass, but unfortunately there was one afternoon where I learned waaaaay more than I wanted about her life, my grandfather (they were divorced), and several other facts about family members I could easily have done without.
I was a grown-up at the time. So another vote for “never”.
Yet another vote for never, unless there are really unusual circumstances.
I’m in my late 40s, and if either of my parents cheated, I do not want to know about it. That sort of thing is complete La La La fingers in my ears I can’t here you fodder. (And mudder.)
Never. I can’t think of any instance where the child would be told this in order to benefit the child. Just sounds like some really immature adults treating their children as friends to confide in rather than children.
I can see this angle, the “This is Why Mommy and Daddy Suddenly Have Screaming Matches Talk” angle. Still, I’m not a parent, but isn’t this something that can be kept private? I was old before I figured out that my parents fought about stuff. I suppose some other people’s kids can be more observant than I was and figure it out anyway, or maybe my parents were good at keeping grown up stuff away from us.
I totally see it as Look what your father/mother did!