Oh, and one of the HUGEST problems I’ve seen in couples that have problems–desired level of affection. My husband and I are both huggy, lovey people who demonstrate affection easily with each other and our families (brought up that way). My friends who have problems are usually in a couple where one wants affection and hugs and “love you’s” and the other doesn’t understand the need and thus don’t provide that for the other partner (at least not after the initial “glow” fades.) And it is a need for some of us. Be aware of this when getting into a serious relationship–I believe it really matters.
TroubleAgain, that may be very important.
I am the happiest woman in the world. I love married life. I married my best friend. We do everything together. I wish more people could experience what I feel. Its been 3 years and we are still on our honeymoon.
I didn’t get married until I was 39. It really scared me to see a lot of the immature ways couples I knew behaved toward each other. I will try lots of things for the experience, but that garbage was not even on the list! All of my old buddies from high school were married and divorced and remarried by the time they were in their 30s.
Then, 7 1/2 years ago, my wife appeared in my life. It didn’t take me to long to see that if we were married, we wouldn’t be having those petty arguments or knock-down, drag-out fights that we had both witnessed in other couples. We were determined to make home as nice a place as we go all day by never having all that drama occur there. We could talk about anything without a fight ensuing, we reasoned, so why not do that?
It’ll be six years for us in May, and we’re doing just fine. We don’t fight. We don’t carp at each other. We know enough about each other at this point that, well, we pick our battles. There’s just some stuff you have to learn and let go, if you don’t want it to be a constant point of contention in a relationship. We don’t control each other into behaving a certain way, we approach it as though we were the best of friends living together, and trying to preserve that by not being bothersome to each other. Why would one say or do nasty things to the person that they wanted to love them? So we don’t do that. She’s my best friend and I’m hers. I don’t want that to change, so I don’t do anything that could bring about that change, out of respect for her; she does the same for me. It seems to be working!
Been married for five years. While we’re not all dewy-eyed at each other, and are often too pooped to do anything more than keep the house intact, there’s still a lot of mutual admiration and respect and love here. There’s a fair amount of yelling, but it’s mostly just my wife’s short-term “I’m blowing off steam right now,” so we’re okay there.
I think we’re doing just fine, and if I can keep things going like this, I’ll be more than satisfied.
Sunspace said:
Then…
You are right, you have not seen a decent sampling of good relationships. Or relationships that are balanced and healthy…I would suggest a good read of what is balanced and healthy, for this we turn to the famed Richard Bach and his The Bridge Across Forever. A very good Love story. Not mushy and gushy, but real and exuberant 
Personally, I’ve been married now for 4 years, and we were together for 2 years prior to that. With few exceptions, she is the greatest thing that has ever happened in my life. Because I’ve married her, we’ve been able to get to a point that we have a nice house, and a few toys. Though I may bitch about her regularly to my friends, I really can’t see anything better than being married to her.
A few things I wouldn’t mind changing, such as my inability to go out at 9PM to hang with some of my friends, spending $ on things that she doesn’t want me to spend money on (hunting guide for the 2003 Moose hunt in NH), and her inability to do anything strenuous such as mountain climbing, bicycling, hiking, hunting, swimming, etc.
But since she does the laundry, and the cleaning, in exchange for my doing the yard work (when I’m nagged enough) and most of the cooking, I think I’ve a pretty damn good thing going. We also both come from a long line of married folks (grandparents married until one passed on, and parents who are still together, 34 years for mine, and about the same for hers), so we’ve a good set of examples from which to learn. It’s a process, and you don’t always get what you want in every respect, but in the end, if you come out better together, than you were before, then you’ve got a good start.
It takes work (like beating off the 800dB Biological clock of hers), but is it worth it? IMO, you bet. It won’t stop me from giving “full disclosure” to all my single, about to marry friends though. They need to be prepared for the adventure ahead!
-Butler
Over 40 guy, married for 17 years, living together for 20, and met my wife 21 years ago. I think TroubleAgain has a big piece of the picture, but not all of it.
We’ve had some very good years, and some rough ones. Last spring, I participated in a few “woe is us” threads. First, I think it is wrong to concentrate on marriages and not long term relationships. The problems that affect one affect the other - respect, money, fidelity, children.
I used to think the problem relationship problems had two primary causes: lack of knowledge about each other (“oh, he’ll want children once we have them”), and the changes people go through with time (“Honey, I know I said I never wanted kids, but now I want one. Right now.”)
However, I no longer think so. I think TroubleAgain is closer to the truth. If both partner’s needs and expectations are met, then they are happy and work out all the “little” issues, like children and money. If most are met, then they are ok. If neither, they feel like DoctorDec. I think there are more differences in needs and expectations than displaying affection.
I found the book “Please Understand Me II”, which is based on Meyers-Briggs, enlightening. (It very accurately describes most people I know, who have read the book.) Mostly, it is aimed at businesses and not relationships, but the differences in personality types affect home relationships more strongly than business relationships. (My wife and I are diagonally opposite types).
Bad mismatches increase tension and create a lack of respect. For example, I like to do things efficiently. My wife likes to do things the way her folks did them. This applies to everything from doing the wash to vacations. It may sound minor, but without understanding over years it can degenerate into both thinking the other one is a a control freak and/or stupid. Reading that book helped me to see where we differed in those senses and see things in a positive light. And that is what keeps relationships healthy. As long as both focus on the positive side of the other, respect is maintained, and the relationship is stronger.
My own relationship is stronger now than last spring, and my wife is going through MP. Once I figured out that stress was making me short tempered at home, I could identify what I found stressful. We were basically living her lifestyle, so she wasn’t stressed at all, other than the fact that my temper was short. She made some accomadations (more affection, etc.) and I have changed in my understanding of why she acts as she does. I haven’t lost my temper since, and life has been good.
Well, My husband and I are both Aries so we are both very head strong. He is way more dominate than I so that helps. When we get into a disagreement one of us will usually leave the room and pick up a book until we are both ready to talk about it. Mind you we have only been married for 3 years so our biggest disagreement is usually over cleaning. or something silly.
SlowMindThinking- I want to ask you something. You mentioned children playing a factor in your lifes’ descisions. This has got to one of the most important descisions that a couple can make and will drastically change a couples life. Well, I am 23 and my husband is 35. We have discussed it and have decided that we don’t want children, but would if I change my mind as I come to age and want children. First, will he be young enough in 5 years or so to be able to have fun with his children? and second, does having children really give life a deeper and better meaning? Also, I don’t want to be left alone in the future should something happen to him. Is it comforting knowing that you have a family to take care of and to take care of you? Also, I know that 5 years is a ways away but should I start planning financially now in case we do decide? Please note that I would never make decision to have children without talking it over with him and us both agreeing. Sorry about asking so many questions.
Ask too many questions?! I’m at work. Which would you rather do - answer questions about something important with a member of the opposite gender, or work? 
So, I’m going to stray from the OP. Sorry, y’all.
First, you’ve got the time about right. Biological clocks seem to start ticking at about 28, and then clang away louder and louder for a good 10-15 years.
Will your husband be young enough to enjoy his kids? Absolutely. We have 5 kids; my wife was 35-40 for their births and she absolutely lives for them. (She is older than me.) Most guys seem to enjoy their kids more as they become more interactive, so as the kids age, the dads enjoy them more and more. I can play any game I want at home, and the books keep getting more and more interesting to read to them.
Does having children give you more and deeper meaning to your life? That depends on you. Many childless couples, Catholic priests, etc. seem to have deep, meaningful lives. However, I’ve known plenty of childless couples who were childless pretty much out of selfishness. (Children are too expensive, we wouldn’t be free to travel, do some activity, etc.) It makes sense to me that we are biologically wired to find having kids fulfilling, and then hardwired to find teenagers exasperating so that we kick them out of the nest. All I can say for sure is that I’m not giving any of mine back and I love them more than you can imagine. (I think the love of a parent for a child is much stronger than any other. Divorces are much more common than leaving your 6 year old at somebody else’s house.)
Is it comforting knowing that you have a family to take care of and to take care of you? Yes, but I’m pretty much an “I can take care of myself, thank you” kind of guy. It is more comforting knowing that however you screw up, you are loved in a much purer sense than your spouse loves you. (We always have alteriour designs, fantasies, etc. Did you ever fantasize your parent’s best friends were your parents?) For some reason, I find it comforting to know that a piece of me will live in them after I am gone (genetically and in memory).
should I start planning financially now in case we do decide? Nah. You should be saving money anyway. Just rely on that. Then, if you decide not to, you haven’t deprived yourself of anything.
Don’t let anyone tell you that if he doesn’t want them at 35, he’ll never want them. Having children never occurred to me, until my wife wanted them. Then I did. Now, I can’t imagine not having them. However, if he were adamantly opposed, then you have an issue. I know at least one couple that broke up for that very reason.
You people give me hope. I secretly thing Doctordec has a point though.
SlowMindThinking-Wow, thankyou so much for your insight. I agree with you that no matter what we need to keep our finances in order. My husband just read the post and we had a great discusion about it. Thanks again.
In 1995 after me and my wife had been married for 8 years, I was in an automobile accident and sustained a traumatic brain injury. After I had been on full life-support for four days, my wife made the decision to remove it. I would live or die, God’s will, but Connie would not see me kept alive like a potted plant (she will not have to make this decision should it happen again, I have a living will in trusted hands now). Things worked in my favor, so began the ordeal.
I was in the hospital for 6 and one half weeks. Connie slept on a cot by my bed for six and one half weeks. When they would take me away for therapy, Connie would go to the library, we were at the Medical University, and study what she needed to know in order to take care of me. The neuroligist followed her one day to see where she went, there were some ugly rumors, and he was excited when he found out, so he and the neurosurgeon guided her education, it was a big deal to them.
When I was discharged, Connie was advised to put me in a nursing home, I would require full time attention. Also brain injury survivors are often prone to violent behavior, she is 5 foot 100 pounds and I’m 5’7" 250 pounds. Connie became my nurse, my therapist, and my advocate. We were constantly together ALL the time for two years, I could not function as an individual. She taught me how to walk and improve my motor skills, she taught me how to read and do math again, she kept me from committing suicide when I got desperate, she is also a good lover.
It’s like this, I would not have recovered as well as I did without my wife. I owe my existance to my wife. I love her very much!!!
That was so sweet, hlanelee. You are very lucky to have her, and I guess she considers herself equally lucky to have you.
Well, Doctordec, I’m 45, been married for almost 20, (19th anniversary day after tomorrow), and together for a few years before that. We’ve been through cancer (hers) and have been raising 3 kids (youngest turning 10), so there is and has been some stress in our lives. She’s doing the MP thing now too, has been in it for over a year. But I still think that marriage is great, our relationship is great; she’s my best friend and always will be. I’m a sample size of one, but count me down among those VERY happy with marriage, and still very much in love with my wife.
And we still get the mushy gooey thing or whatever it was someone called it. There is hope. Our secret? I’d have to say mutual respect and admiration.
The first thing I thought of when I read Doctordec’s post was my mother.
When she was peri-menopausal, life with her was a nightmare. She had a complete personality change. She went from being easygoing, tolerant and sympathetic, to being shrill, judgemental and cold. Everyone had to be very careful what they said to her for fear of setting her off. She also became very miserly. She screamed at me for burning the shortbread one Christmas because it meant she had to buy another pound of butter (Note that said shortbread wasn’t actually burnt, just a little brown). I was so hurt and spooked that I actually ran out of the house and took refuge in a Catholic church nearby.
Now, with time and visits to a specialist, she’s back to her old self again. She has been so warm and caring, it’s like having the mom I knew when I was a child again. But she really disappeared for about four years, there. Whew.
As for my marriage (not legal yet, but soon), it’s only been one year so we’re still in the “honeymoon” phase. But my philosophy is that mutual respect is paramount. I would never, ever be rude to my sweetie. I would never scream obscenities at her, call her names or even just be less than courteous with her. AFAIAC, people have to deal with enough rudeness and thoughtlessness from strangers. If you can make your shared home a haven for your partner, you’ve got it in the bag.