Last night I called my wife in Panama. For a number of reasons I do not travel there nowadays.
She has told me I seem to have a fifteen year-old son by a one-night stand. This is the first word I have had of him. You could have knocked me over with a pin.
She proposes that I do a blood test with him to make sure, and I guess I will although her description of him seems spot on.
The boy lives in poverty, broken home and all that.
OK, folks, please tell me what is The Right Thing To Do.
I propose to go to Panama (I can risk a short trip) and adopt him so that he can get a blue passport and that I support him until age 18. Is that enough, too much?
Thats what i would do, try to build some kind of relationship and keep him out of an impoverished and destructive environment. Not to be an asshole, but will his life be better in Saudi Arabia? I dont know much about that country other than whats on the news.
Are you a U.S. citizen, and/or were you at the time of his birth? If so, then you may not need to adopy him to get him U.S. citizenship. I can dig up the particulars if you’re interested.
Wow. What a shocker! Your wife is in Panama? Are you estranged? I would presume the son is not by her.
I congratulate you for wanting to be responsible, but remember - he will need more than just monetary support, he’ll need a father, particularly if he’s going to be moving to a foreign country.
I know you don’t want to go into detail about the “number of reasons” you don’t go there anymore, but couldn’t you give us a little hint? Otherwise, my imagination is going to run wild!
Remembering myself at 15, I’d say you should avoid personal contact with him for now. If he knows about you, as I imagine he would, he might well be quite resentful. Experience suggests he’ll be more reasonable in a few years.
Why are you just now finding out about him? Has the mother been trying to contact you in the past 15 years?
I agree with the kudos for wanting to responsibility, but you have to question the motives behind this, too. After all, he is basically an adult now, and I just suspect some ulterior motive behind this.
Just use caution, and don’t get too involved right away. If this is truly meant to be, your best bet is to ease into it.
I don’t know about ulterior motives. If I was 15 I’d want to know who my father was, regardless of my life situation. That’s about the age when one really starts to question what your purpose in life is, why you’re here, etc. Lots of doubts, worries, hormones (yikes!). I also don’t know if I’d delay it even if it was uncomfortable. How the heck do you explain that later. I mean, the first fifteen years would be understandable, but now wait another 5-10 until he’s a mature adult?
Is the fact that you’ve got an out-of-wedlock son going to put the whammy on your current marriage?
My first instinct, if I were in your shoes, would be to attempt to contact his mother/custodian to try to find out what is going on with the family situation, but that’s only if the presence of the son isn’t going to wreck the current marriage. Otherwise, mend the marital fences first.
You really should establish contact with the kid. No one wants to be denied. Try to make a go of it, help him financially, and if it doesn’t work, it won’t be for lack of trying. You’ll probably regret it down the road if you don’t jump in with both feet now. Good luck and congrats, dude.
I’m with the ‘contact and support’ thing. One way or the other if he’s your son then getting him out of poverty is the responsibility of his parents…and you’re one of them. Even if it’s just getting him out of his current conditions and into college or somesuch that will be great.
Do NOT go into a country where you might not be able to get out. The old battle cry of ‘You can’t do this…I’m an American!’ doesn’t carry as much weight as one might hope. Maybe you could meet on neutral ground someplace.
Well, I pissed off some people who have long memories. I would rather not expose myself to Panama for a few more years until passions fade.
My wife seems OK with this, God bless Latin Culture! That being said it is critical I do the ‘right thing,’ you never want to wrong a woman or child in front of a woman.
I am making arrangements for a blood test (me here, him there) no word yet on how long it will take to get it done.
I am also looking into establishing a fund of some sort to provide for the young man’s education and health care until age 21.
I am still looking forward to some word about how to get him a blue passport however.
Your main logistical barrier is going to be proving that he is your son. Embassies vary in what kind of proof they will accept, especially after so much time has passed. I would definitely call up and have a preliminary chat with someone in the U.S. Citizen Services section in Panama City. They may want you both to have DNA tests or something, and I don’t know what Panamanian law is regarding formal recognition of children born out of wedlock. But provided you can establish to the satisfaction of the Embassy that he is, in fact, your son, he was born a U.S. citizen. The rest is just paperwork.
The other thing to keep in mind is that it’s not an emergency, but you do need to formally recognize him before he reaches legal adulthood (I forget whether it’s 18 or 21). There was a famous Supreme Court case a few years back of a U.S. serviceman who fathered a child out of wedlock in the Philippines, and denied parentage until after she was 21, but then had a change of heart. The Supreme Court decided it was too late, and they were both SOL. But in a case like this, where you didn’t even know the child existed until recently, I’d hope they would cut you more slack.
What a shock that must have been for you. I cannot imagine what that must have been like. It’s not like someone can airdrop a baby that is from my loins on me in the future and I wouldn’t know about it…unless those probes from the alien space ship are going to come back and haunt me…
I have to commend your wife on handling this so well. Did you know your wife at the time this happened or meet her afterwards?
I would think that if this boy is confirmed to be your son, after the blood tests how reliable are those anyway? , sending over to him a photo album of yourself and a letter introducing yourself to him and the shock of find out about it.
It’s kinda odd that the mother didn’t try to contact you after all this time. Are you in a position of more money now than back then and therefore a bigger cash cow, so to speak? Protect yourself from that angle, will you? I know you will, but I have to say it.
I wish you only the best of luck during this suddenly insane time period in your life.
And the plus side of all of this is that he is potty trained. w00t!
All in all, I am impressed by the sudden onslaught of Daddy Genes. I still don;t know his mane and yet I am all wrapped around the axle emotionally.
I went to the US Counsel here in Jeddah today for some advise. I have to get the guy a Counselor Statement of Birth Abroad, a Social Security Number and a passport. The first step to all three is to get a blood test in Panama from a doctor approved by the Consulate.
Next stop, a call to Panama City to get that guy’s name. Then a darn quick to the Panama, a doctor, my lawyers and the infamous Banco National De Panama.
I feel better now that I have a ‘to do’ list, more in control.
… and click on the US marriage-based immigration forum. They answer questions about this kind of thing ALL the time. We also have two lawyers who do pro-bono work there, and they really are helpful! The forum isn’t just for british expats so don’t worry about that part of it.
Once you’ve established paternity, the rest will be pretty easy.
so don’t worry about that part of it.