So I Have a Son (3)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Well, my wife called my at 01.30 my time this morning to announce the DNA tests had arrived in Panama.

I am not the boy’s father.

How do I feel? I feel everything, happy, sad, proud and ashamed. I am still all confused.

A couple of notes. First, on the power of Group-Think. Francisco, my wife, her dad and I met at the buffet at the El Panama. While he was away loading up on shrimp, Don Homero told me “Paul, you do not need a DNA test, he is your son, I am sure.” Homero wanted it to be true, so did I, so did Francisco. We all reinforced each other and came to the wrong conclusion together.

Next, I did not handle this well. In my fog of belief, I took the young man out shopping for school supplies, on a tour of the canal and some other things. We established a bond that now cannot be. I should have remained more calm and detached.

He has finished his trips to the dentist (he had been opening beer bottles with his teeth) and of course I will pay for that. I also have to pay the lawyers to cancel some legalisms I ordered started in a fit of enthusiasm. I will also pay for the rest of Francisco’s school year at the private high school I got him in. That seems only fair.

I have also asked my lawyers to have his mother break the bad news to him. She was even worse than me in building the kid up. It will be hard for him, but the truth is the best way to go.

I appreciate everyone’s kind words on the previous two threads on this subject.

I am going to bed. Sleep helps sort out one’ s thoughts.

2

I can’t think of a scenario where there would be more conflicting emotions. If it’s not a financial strain (not sure what private school cost is in Panama) you might think about funding the private school bit for another year or two until graduation. Even if you’re not his real dad it wouod be a good dead beyond measure.

Out of curiosity, what did his mom say? Do you feel this was a genuine presumption of your paternity on her part, or do you feel you were being partially played by her, given that she had to know the possibility you might not be the dad as she was (apparently) bopping someone else at the time? Did she say you might be the dad or that you WERE the dad?

3

Ah, Paul, you must be feeling some serious emotional whiplash.

Best wishes going out to you and everyone concerned – I know you’ll move on from this treating everyone fairly and honorably.

4

Paul, even if you are not the boy’s father, you stepped up admirably to the plate during the time you thought you might be. You’ve shown him kindness and generosity and he will certainly always be grateful for that. Do not chide yourself for being rash; be proud of yourself for acting like you feel a father should.

5

I agree. That kind of kindness and sense of responsibility can be hard to find in a situation like that. Think of the people who would rather drag it to Jerry Springer than to grab the bull by the horns.

You may not be his biological dad, but I bet he never forgets you. You’re one of the good guys. :cool:

(Incidently, there’s no reason you can’t still remain friends…)

6

Paul, I say this will all due respect, as you are a fantastic poster whose posts I really value and look forward to: bullshit. Any jackass with a half-functioning testicle can be a father. But any bond or relationship that you make is yours for as long as you want it to exist, and you can assign any value or definition to it that you like, be it “father”, “friend”, or “foe”. Your actions to this point have made you a father that no DNA test can define.

7

Just because there is no biological relationship in no way means that there can be no bond between you. Why can’t you still be friends?

8

Paul, thru out this you seem to have acted with a great deal of honor.

May I respectfully suggest that to continue to treat this kid with friendship would be an act of enormous kindness?

If it is any of my business, which it isn’t. God bless you with wisdom as He has blessed you with honor.

Regards,
Shodan

9

After so many eloquent posts, it seems so lame to just say “ditto”, so I will confine my remarks to-

“Yeah man, what they said.”
You seem like a good man. Keep doing what your heart tells you. So what if you aren’t the sperm donor? You sure sound like this kid’s best chance for a real dad.

It’s none of my business, of course, but this being a message board, I can’t resist the urge to post! :wink:

10

Bunkum. Bullshit. Tell that to any foster-parent and see if you survive. Anyone with a dick can father a child. It takeseffort and love to be a parent.

Never mind his mother; you’ve set him a hell of an example.

11

Warning over killer swan

12

Oh for God’s sake! Would a mod please move the previous post and this comment out of this thread. So sorry.

13

Uh, excuse me while I step around the killer swan…

My stepfather often told me I was the son he thought he never wanted; he had a vasectomy as a young man. Even after my mom divorced him, I still saw him regularly, right up until he died a few years ago. So don’t discount this relationship just because you don’t share any genes.

14

I’m available for Adoption.

$600.00 a month or a minimum car, house, credit card payment (which ever one is higher that will alleviate the blinding financial pain that I have wrought upon myself.) and I am yours to take to the zoo and Chucky Cheeses.

Bonus: You get to be an instant grandfather. Ohhh, look , is that a gray hair in Paul’s head?

Detractors: I am probably no longer Tax Deductible and am past my sell-by date.

I promise to never kick the back of your seat on long car rides.

15

What everybody else says…being a dad is an emotional thing, being a parental unit is a sperm donor thing…If you have a bond towards him, keep it. A ‘chosen son’ friendship is wonderful. Like the others, make room in your life for him, he will have a great example to grow up like. If it isn’t too much of a burden, make some provision for an education, keep contact with him, perhaps if he choses it sponsor him into the US [is that still possible or does there have to be a genetic link?]

16

If there’s no genetic link, then there has to be a legal adoption, and IIRC before he reaches the age of 16.

17

Well, I am back awake now. I am still sorting out my emotions.

I will certainly sponsor young Francisco through high school. The cost is quite low, and besides money is not really an issue.

What is an issue is the relationship with my wife. She (like the rest of us) thought I had fathered a child with another woman. Since our biology will no long let us be parents, that made her very jealous.

My first goal will be to patch up and maintain my situation with her. After that I can devote whatever time I can to Francisco. As I said, the money is a minor thing.

I will keep you posted as events might require. Thank you all.

18

Paul, you are a class act.

19

paul, i’m sorry.

i’m glad you will keep in contact.

the best to you and your wife.

20

I’d just like to second the comment made by Shirley.

Perhaps you don’t have a son. Perhaps you do (it’s pretty obvious that you’re a good father figure, whether or not you’re technically a father).

Either way, you made a friend. Hats off to you, my good man.