Inspired by this thread on a man finding out his 16 year old children weren’t really his, but still being forced to pay child support anyway.
I don’t want this thread to be about the legalities of child support. My question is more basic. Hypothetically, if you were ever to find out that any or all of children wre not really biologically your own, would you feel any differently about them? Would you still love them? Would you disown them? Could you look them in eye and tell them you don’t care about them anymore?
I ask because I was surprised at the number of guys in the other thread (some refernced anecdotally by posters, some the posters themselves) who say that the DNA is crucial to them and that they would no longer feel an attachment to their children if they were to discover the genetic connection did not exist.
My own answer is that nothing could ever change the way I feel about my kids and I would never, ever abandon them or tell them I wasn’t their father.
I would really like answers only from guys who really are fathers. I don’t think it’s possible to understand the parent/child bond unless you’ve experienced it in reality.
I was thinking the same hypothetical after reading, and posting in, that thread as well.
For us non-custodial dads, I think there might be an extra element thrown in. How much could we demand to still be “dad”? I would think at that point, you’d have to have a damned solid relationship with the custodial parent, otherwise you’d be in for double the heartache.
I don’t know what I would do, beside question why the hell the DNA test I took 12 years ago came up differently. Assuming that there was some major foul up and I found out right now … I don’t think much would change in the relationship I have with them.
I just wonder if they would stop calling me “dad”. That would be weird.
My kids are 18 and 20 (my son turns 21 in 6 days… yikes…). The news would not change my opinions or feelings or obligations towards them at all. However, my wife… yeah, my feelings towards her would probably change.
I’ve been a dad for about four and a half months. Yes, I’d still love my child and care about her just as much. And quite honestly I think anyone who says they could stop loving their kids under such circumstances is barely fit to be a human being, much less a parent.
Wouldn’t change a thing. I can’t even imagine it would to be honest. My wife is a step mom and I think she feels the same way about our daughter (who lives with us). In her case there is NO biological connection but she feels that my daughter is her daughter 100%. Being a father or mother has very little to with biology in my opinion–it is how you love your child that is important.
I have two daughters (10 and 6), and it wouldn’t change my feelings for them one iota if I found out I wasn’t their father, because as far as I’m concerned, I’ll always be their Dad.
In my book, fathering someone and being someone’s father are two different things.
From the response in those threads, there are a lot of people with a lot of baggage about child support issues.
To answer the poll, hell no. I’d love, support, and care for my girls regardless of who their biological father is. And I find any mature adult who feels differently to be flawed.
Been there. Child and I didn’t find out until she was early twenties. Mother & I were divorced a long time ago, and mother is more or less estranged from her adult children.
Did it change my relationship to the child? No. Did it have some impact, however slight, on my emotions about the child? Yes. Oddly, I thought she was the one that most seemed like me.
I’m a dad, but I don’t think I’m qualified to answer. Although I will agree that some of the things guys were saying in that thread are shocking.
As of right now, if you told me my kids weren’t mine, it wouldn’t change my feelings towards them. However, if my wife left me tomorrow, jerked me around through court, prevented me from seeing my kids as much as possible, poisoned their minds by constantly saying negative things about me (something I’ve seen in a few ugly divorce cases), and then, 10 years from now, after my relationship with my children were already shattered, I found out that they’re not even mine? I have no idea how I’d react. I can imagine feeling differently then than I do now.
But under normal circumstances, I’d probably be outraged for about 5 seconds but the next time I looked at my kids, everything would become clear again.
I don’t believe it would change anything (my daughter is 9) except for my relationship with her mother (we’re divorced). Donating the DNA was the least of it. I don’t think I’d want my daughter to know until she was an adult, unless there was some kind of genetics issue.
Anecdotes:
An old friend of mine left his wife when he figured out their daughter of a few months was not his. He was (reportedly) willing to stick with her if she agreed to have no further contact with the girl’s father, but she wanted the man to know and have visitation, so my friend walked. I know that this girl (who is now is her late teens) has never met him, I have no idea what she’s been told. If she knows about her mother’s marriage, it must be a weird feeling to know that a stranger was very nearly your father.
Another friend of mine strongly suspects that his oldest daughter is not really his (for a number of reasons), but has stated that he doesn’t want a paternity test because he would rather not know, he feels that she is is daughter either way and it wouldn’t change anything (he’s recently divorced, and the mom is quite erratic to say the least).
I have four boys, three at home. The oldest is a stepchild, and the second oldest is probably not my biological child. I say ‘probably’ because I’ve never cared enough either way to have a paternity test. I’ve raised him since birth, and I couldn’t imagine it being any other way. Unlike the guy referenced in your OP, I’ve known this since pretty much right after the birth.
That said, one of my brother’s former best friend had this happen to him. He disowned the child at I think 14 or so. My brother acts as a father figure towards this kid to make up for it, and has severed contact with his former best friend. Personally, I can’t make a judgment, I know he’s genuinely angry and he was sure entitled to be angry. FTR, he found out pretty much the same way the guy did.
I already know perfectly well that neither of my children are genetically related to me.
I cannot imagine that I would love them more or differently if they were mine by birth instead of adoption. And I am not (just now) saying how much I love my children. I certainly do. I just cannot wrap my mind around the idea that I would feel any differently. I can say the words, but I cannot feel them. The notion doesn’t register.
I grant you, I (and my wife) went into this with our eyes wide open, obviously. I knew from the get-go rather than being surprised by DNA tests, and I am not divorced or anything like that.
But now it is too late for me - I am their father, and I will be until the day I die.
And it has been too late for me, ever since this moment.
I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t affect the way I feel about my two children, but there would be some kind of effect on our relationship. They live with their mother, and I’m fairly sure I would have trouble ever uttering another word to her. That would make seeing the kids difficult, logistically.
I guess since the OP is a hypothetical question, a disclaimer shouldn’t be necessary, but I’ll just point out that I have absolutely no reason to believe my ex-wife was unfaithful. You never know who’s reading…
If I were in the other guy’s situation and my contact with the child was severed, then I would feel like I was getting robbed. IF I still had my normal visitation rights and was treated as the father, then I have no problem with it. I think it really depends on the situation.
My 16 year old daughter is not mine? (I have a 16 year old daughter ) I would be extremely hurt but she would still be my daughter and I would support her.
Just home from the hospital and the test shows the baby is not my child?
Nope…no way. Not my kid. Would not treat it as my kid.
) I would be extremely hurt but she would still be my daughter and I would support her.