Hear ye, hear ye: a cautionary tale about keeping the one-eyed trouser snake in check

The BBQ Pit
1

Right. So one of my oldest friends contacted me tonight with an update on his life. He’s currently being bent over and rogered with great glee and abandon by his hopefully-soon-to-be-ex-wife. He is deep in a blue funk because she has him cynically backed into a corner, and wherever he turns, he’s utterly fucked either financially, emotionally, or both.

Here’s the story: he moved back to his hometown after a lengthy stint in New York. During the glorious homecoming celebrations, he hooked up with a willing 18-year-old with whom he had nothing really in common. Actions were taken, organs were not shielded, urges were slaked, and nature took its inevitable course. Nine months later, a beautiful baby boy was born. We’ll call him “Innocent Bystander,” or just Kid.

By this time, my friend and the Demoness had married for the good of the child. They tried, to all outward appearances, to make it work. However, it became thoroughly apparent that they were doomed. Papers were filed. Conclusions were reached. Everything was going amicably.

Now the Demoness has decided that she will not under any circumstances, work, and she will make her living by leeching off the state and my (very poor but responsible) friend.

Tragic, say ye, but them’s the breaks, yes?

No. The Demoness’s latest game is that she has hinted darkly that my friend may not be the biological father. He wrestled with a paternity test for months and finally decided he didn’t want to know, thus committing financial suicide for the foreseeable future. Why? Two reasons:

  1. He’s the only responsible adult in the child’s life. He’s the only one who will do what it takes to make sure the child is taken care of. The Demoness is worthless.

  2. He considers himself Kid’s dad regardless of whether he fathered him or not, and he doesn’t want to give him up. Yeah. My friend is willing to fuck himself over utterly for the good of Kid. That’s what kind of human being he is.

Furthermore, he opines, and I agree, that there are only two possible courses: either that he does not take a paternity test and keeps shelling out child support to feed the giant bloated leech that has custody of his child, taking his minuscule amount of visitation wherever he can, or that he takes the test.

Taking the test would certainly solve the dreadful mystery one way or the other. He could actually be the Kid’s father, in which case he ends up no worse financially than he is now, or he might NOT be, in which case he could still offer voluntary assistance to help raise the child.

He’s completely convinced that if he were found not to be the child’s father, the Demoness would summarily refuse to let him see Kid ever again out of spite for ruining her scam.

So he’s either going to be driven bankrupt by the child payments or he’s going to be an emotional wreck. Which would you choose?

Keep in mind that in either case, he’s going to be driven out of his mind with worry.

2

Please tell me that he at least was using a condom, and it broke.

3

Actually, in most states, even if kid flunks paternity test, he still may have 18 years of payments ahead of him, as there is a presumption that the husband of the mother is the father, which some courts won’t even overturn with DNA evidence:

http://www.man4justice.com/nyman.htm

4

Oh, crap, I just saw that he didn’t (“organs were not shielded”). Please disregard my above post. This will teach me to be posting when I should be in bed (no doubt a lesson many a Doper has learned the hard way)!

That was an effing stupid thing for him to do, especially these days.

To answer your question, I would take the paternity test, and choose emotional wreckage. He can use the support payments he’s not making to pay for therapy and get over it.

5

I’m afraid I’m not privy to that level of detail. Suffice to say that something happened with someone at that crucial period of time that led to pregnancy.

Theoretically, they’re in the middle of divorce proceedings. You may color me unsurprised if she decides to back out of it, leaving him completely fucked.

6

He’s fucked either way.

7

My frustrated point precisely.

8

Pretty much.

And for some reason, most women I know seem to think that’s the way it should be… that it should be perfectly all right for a woman to lie, cheat, and subvert some poor schmo in order to see to it that her child is properly paid for.

Admittedly, I personally think that if you consider yourself Daddy… and then find out you aren’t, YEARS into the relationship… then one’s grievances should be taken out on MOM, not your kid. I mean, it’s hardly the KID’s fault.

…but I have never understood the idea that a court of law can stand there and say, “Well, the DNA tests say it ain’t your kid, Mr. Jones, but I say it is, and I say you keep paying through the nose until the kid’s eighteen.”

To me, this seems like a fine rationale for a woman to lie, cheat and otherwise screw over a trusting male for financial gain…

…and for an abused, trusting male who has been lied to and screwed over a little too long to go out and obtain a shotgun and ride off into the Six O’Clock News, if you know what I mean.

Experience has taught me that it is NOT a good idea to jack a person’s emotions to the screaming point, and then leave them NO way out…

9

Pretty much.

And for some reason, most women I know seem to think that’s the way it should be… that it should be perfectly all right for a woman to lie, cheat, and subvert some poor schmo, for money.

Admittedly, I personally think that if you consider yourself Daddy… and then find out you aren’t, YEARS into the relationship… then one’s grievances should be taken out on MOM, not your kid. I mean, it’s hardly the KID’s fault.

…but I have never understood the idea that a court of law can stand there and say, “Well, the DNA tests say it ain’t your kid, Mr. Jones, but I say it is, and I say you keep paying through the nose until the kid’s eighteen.”

To me, this seems like a fine rationale for a woman to lie, cheat and otherwise screw over a trusting male for financial gain…

…and for an abused, trusting male who has been lied to and screwed over a little too long to go out and obtain a shotgun and ride off into the Six O’Clock News, if you know what I mean.

Experience has taught me that it is NOT a good idea to jack a person’s emotions to the screaming point, and then leave them NO way out…

10

Ugh. I have personal experience with this.

My brother had a child with a woman who shall herinafter be refered to as the Crazy Fucking Bitch, or CFB for short.

To make a long, ugly story short, CFB got thrown in jail, and he tried to get sole custody of his kid. Now for one reason or another (I’m not really clear on why/how this happened), my brother’s name was not on the birth certificate. But he voluntarily and at his own expense took a DNA test to prove he was the father, and the CFB even told the court that he was.

However, because the CFB had never gotten a divorce from her husband (who had run out on her some ten years before), the court refused to declare my brother the father. Even though the husband, as further investigation revealed, was serving a 25 year jail term for murder, and had been in jail for years before my nephew was born.

It all turned out okay in the end, my brother now has custody of his son, and they’re both doing well, but it was a fucking nightmare for a while there.

11

is there a problem with him filing for custody?

(yeah i know, you have to practically prove the mother insanely psycotic for the father to get custody most of the time, but hey, isn’t it worth it?)

12

Experience here on this subject too. Husband’s ex-wife had the morals of an alley cat, was still married when he started seeing her (although she neglected to tell him that little tidbit) and furthermore, swore up and down that she couldn’t ever get pregnant. Of course, this was before he discovered the one son that she already had.

Longstoryshort is, mr. hopefool being much younger than her and inexperienced, believed all of the above (except the promiscuity bit) and ended up with one of those “gee honey, I’m pregnant” scenarios. We were friends at the time and EVERYONE urged him to get a DNA test. Well, he’d been abandoned by his father and couldn’t, no matter what the outcome, see doing the same to what my possibly be his child, so he could never bring himself to do it.

Fast forward to the almost end of his child support obligation and he still wishes he knew for sure, now that he’s lived for almost two decades with the kind of deception that she’s capable of. Ultimately, like your friend, it wouldn’t have made any difference, he still would have seen him as his son. But, that way, he would have felt less duped and taken advantage of. And sadly, it’s one of those things that almost necessary to do as early as possible to ease misunderstandings and hurt feelings. I mean, not much you have to say yet to a 6 month or 3 year old, but a teenager is vastly different. So, if he’s gonna, get him to do it ASAP.

Good luck to your friend. If his situation is anything like ours, the hell never ends until the contact (or money) stops. Best wishes to him to have endless strength, the patience of Job and determination to overcome her continual mind games, he’s going to need all of that for a very long time to come. Poor guy and baby. :frowning:

13

It could be worse.

14

Good question.

15

I was wondering about the custody question myself. Given the choice between an honorable upstanding father with a job and a mother who has stated she will not work under any circumstances, if the standard is best interest of the child, Dad should get custody.

16

I don’t know where the location of the friend is but I can tell you that in Alabama unless the mother is a crack-dealing whore who beats the kid in front of multiple witnesses on a regular basis most judges will let her keep the kid over the father. Something about a baby needing its mother, blah.blah.blah…

Fair? Absolutely not. But that’s the court system for the most part. It works against those most in need of its help.

Poor, poor kid. Sounds like his father would definitely be a better parent.

17

Dad should get custody. This seems to happen very rarely in the real world. Divorced men seem to get some royal screwings in both your country and mine.

Please note: This is not to trivialize the problems divorced moms have with their deadbeat exs. This thread and this issue just isn’t about that side of things.*

18

Dang it, I forgot to add - get him to take the paternity test. You make a lot better decisions with more information than less. Besides, this hosebeast will stop his access to the child sooner or later, anyway, if she knows that she can use that as a punishment to control him with. Better he takes a chance on getting his legal fathership established asap.

19

My upstairs neighbour is going through a similar drama right now.

Well, somewhat.

They moved into the house about 2 years ago, him and his girlfriend. This was their first “living together” situation, although they’d been in a relationship for a year. After 10 months or so of living together, she finds out she’s pregnant. This came as a total shock, as a previous medical problem had rendered her infertile (or so the docs thought, anyway).

After a pregnancy with lots of problems, she gave birth two months prematurely. The boy turned out OK in the end, luckily.

Now, it should be noted that the girl in question is a rather severe manic-depressive. This bears relevance to the rest of the story, as you will see.

Soon after the birth of their son, it became evident that the relationship was not going to survive, mainly due to her depression, and his inability to cope with it. Nothing he did wrong per se, he just wasn’t up to the task. They agreed to go on one final holiday together, to sort things out, to talk things through.

They had a peaceful three weeks holiday in France, and came back in good spirits. They were going to split up, but it was all going to be taken care of amicably. As agreed, my neighbour drove to the courthouse the day after he returned from France, to pick up the paperwork needed to secure visitation rights for his son.

As he came home, he met with an uncooperative soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend.

She said, “I’m not signing that. My lawyer advised me not to.” Upon which he asked, flabbergasted, “Since when are you talking to a fucking LAWYER??”. Her answer? “For a few weeks now.”

All the while they were in France, supposedly working things out amicably, the little bitch was talking to her lawyer on her cell phone as soon as my neighbour went off (to get breakfast for the family, for example).

My neighbour freaked out, jumped in his car, and spent the night at a friend’s house. When he returned the next day, she was gone, of course having taken their son with her.

Now, there’s one little problem. Under Dutch law, my neighbour, in order to secure parental rights over the child, should have arranged so by court, seeing as he and his ex-GF were not married. It’s a formality, normally - take the form, sign it both, and you’re off. But they somehow had not done this yet (the child is 9 months old).

So, now she’s living at her parents’, with my neighbour’s son. All communication is done through their respective lawyers, and the current offer from her side is “4 hours a week, no sleep-overs”.

He’s heartbroken - she stole his son from him.

In her defence, I did state that she has severe bouts of depression. This, coupled with the sheer medical miracle of her pregnancy, and the rapid decline in the relationship, may have sent her over the edge. For all I know, that is. I’m willing to cut her some slack.

I’m also willing to testify in court to make sure the judge knows my neighbour is a DAMN good father, and deserves to see his son more than 4 measly hours a week - and offered my neighbour full cooperation should he ever need me, legally or otherwise.

People can be such assholes.

20

My ex’s ex ruined his life. At the age of 18, his ex-girlfriend (he had already dumped her because he found out she was sleeping around). Said “I’m preganant.” Being a freaked out 18 yr-old, he didn’t even question that it was his. (Duh! She slept around a lot.) They’d planned on “doing the responsible thing” and giving the baby up for adoption. She changed her mind.

So he never got to go to college – had to start working right away to pay for child support (which got deducted from her welfare cheque anyway). He paid more in monthly child support than I paid in rent. His ex was always really nasty to him. One day she was so nasty he said “that’s it, I’m getting a blood test!” She said “Fine, and if he’s not yours, then I owe you a lot of money.”

He had to pay $1500 to get a blood test (not even a DNA test was necessary) that showed he could not possibly be the father of the now 4-year-old.

She always knew who the real father was – a guy who had been living in a campground at the time she was “dating” him. So she had chosen the guy who was responsible and who had an income.

So my intelligent ex – who was full of potential at 18 – became a highschool dropout who now works minimum wage jobs and still lives with his parents because almost every cent he’d earned went to the boy. He is no longer required to pay child support – in fact, the judge recommended that he sue the lying, deceitful Bitch, for swearing an oath that he was the father when she knew all along he wasn’t (she lied in court too, come to think of it.) My ex refused to do such a thing, figuring it would hurt the boy most if his mother had to start paying him back.

Oh, and FTR he always wore a condom, but figured it had been an accident. At 18 he was just too young and scared to think about a blood test right away.