So, I'm thinking of starting my own little cult...

So, I’m thinking of starting my own little cult…

But, I don’t know where to begin. There’s so much to do, I don’t know what comes first. Here’s my To-Do list. If you can offer some advice, prioritize my tasks, recommend potential followers, volunteer yourself, etc. PLEASE let me know.

Things I Need To Accomplish In Starting A Cult:
** in no particular order * *

  1. Lose my birth certificate so I can claim immaculate conception.
  2. Learn a funny wild-eyed look that makes people wonder what’s going on in my head.
  3. Rent a big warehouse to store all of the worldly posessions of my recruits.
    . 3a. Locate a reliable fence to launder said posessions.
  4. Negotiate a volume discount with a surgeon so that my male followers can be castrated at a discount rate.
  5. Guns. I’m pretty sure we’re going to need guns.
  6. Buy some land that we can have bonfires, orgies, and target practice on. Maybe central Texas…
  7. Make friends with the postman. (This is always overlooked.)
  8. This is crucial: Do I hire an assistant from the ranks of my recruits, or do I have an assistant first. Hmmmm…
  9. Learn the names of some of the closest stars to Earth. This might come in handy if there is dissension in the ranks.


Wanna be my assistant???

Anyway, I think the first thing you need to do is figure out what kind of cult you’re going to have. What’s going to make these people want to follow you? Sure, the immaculate conception is a good idea, but still. Is it biblical, new agey, what?

Secondly, when you look for a place for your compound, you need to make sure it’s hard to find. Don’t want the converts escaping, right?

Thirdly, you need an assistant first. A convert might be extremely willing, but they can always be un-brainwashed. An assistant who knows this is a CULT can help immensely.

Fourthly, you might not need a postman. Cults need to completly cut off contact from outside.

I don’t want to be an assistant, but I will help you coordinate things, if you wish. :slight_smile: And if you get caught, don’t tell them I helped you. Unless you’re famous by then. Then I wouldn’t mind some recognition.


On the other hand, an assistant who knows it’s a cult will not have that “Fear of Braindoggy” in them that will keep them subservient. A clash of egos will result, causing the formation of a heretical splinter group denouncing the Old Ways, and the resulting Holy War will likely do the BATF’s job for them.

If you include massive amounts of sex in the worship rituals, though, I’m in. Very believable symbolic way to celebrate the Mysteries of Creation, you know. Also a good selling point; look how well it worked for the Children of God.

I started a cult in high school. I read Paradise Lost and was ‘inspired’, had a little 8-page ‘Holy Pamphlet’ etc. Only had about a half-dozen members, and when I got tired of it some of them went on to do some fucked up stuff.

You will need a messiah. I suggest finding some Hitler’s DNA and start the cloning process now. Then when you finally make a successful clone, you can have your followers that you’ve very carefully been collecting over the years rise up in rebellion with their messiah leading the way.

Oh, and you’ll need a toga. All major cult leaders have togas.

Or you could be like that cult that was on What’s Happening?!?!?!… Remember?

They worshipped a head of lettuce named Ralph! :stuck_out_tongue:

You don’t get much more cultish than that!

You’ll need some form of direct communication to whatever you worship too. I recommend channeling, as it is a very direct form of communicating, and you get a great inside source.

You might also include re-incarnated souls of former famous people (ie. J.F.K. or Marilyn or Napolean, ect… you get the idea)

Crystals are always in, as well as some whacky diet. Strange clothing is a must also…I can give you some tips in these areas if needed.
*Aenea, who hated growing up in her mom’s wierd new age religion

BTW, if you do decided to include massive ammounts of sex in the rituals, be sure to make sure you get plenty of whipped cream… to represent the cloud-like euphoria all your faithful followers will be in once they have reached nirvana. :smiley:

I’m always up for new things. I’ve been virtually every mainstream and even some not so mainstream religions, why not add a cult to the list?
You can most likely count me in when it’s up and running. Oh, knowing a purpose, the practices, etc… that might help. <shrug>

Thanks, kids.

These are all great suggestions. I thought of something else, though:

Anyone know somebody that can write a nice mind-numbing chant for my following to sing all day while contemplating my greatness ???

Hmmm…I’ll think about the chant–I’m better at obfuscated prophecy, though.

The wild-eyed look is easy. You’ve heard the phrase “light of madness in his eyes”, right? That’s literal. Here’s what you do:

  1. Make certain you are facing toward a light source, preferably placed just above your eye level. Incorporate this into your compound design–track lighting will work if you’re going New Agey.

  2. Lower your eyebrows.

  3. Widen your eyes–without raising your eyebrows.

  4. Turn your face slightly upwards, so that your eyes reflect the light source at your target. It’ll give you a nice manic gleam. A smile enhances the effect.

You can alternatively have a flame (candle or oil lamp) below eye level, between you and the target, and look directly at your target with burning eyes. Practice this in front of a mirror until you get the spacing right. It helps to be looking down at your target. This works better for “evil” cults.

You’ll need a large, windowless room for your “meetings”. You won’t need an air conditioner; keep your followers dehydrated to make them more tractable.

Culture your voice so it becomes hypnotic: you want to be able to give speeches for hours in a monotone. This makes it much easier to brainwash your followers.

Drugs help too.

That’s all I got for right now.