So, just exactly how evil am I? Long story...

The BBQ Pit
81

Hi Whynot, Thanks so much for chiming in. I was hoping you would.

As for how I’m doing, I’m up and down, but mostly up. I’ve gotten some perspective, so things don’t look quite so dire.

However, I have had to resume the ativan, though still just in pieces. I’m probably taking two or three pieces a day. Which irritates me because I thought I had it licked. But it’s still not as bad as the 6 or 8 whole tablets I once needed. Or was permitted anyway.

I’ve looked up a MM Dr in my area and have the number written down. I’m prepared to go that route maybe, because I do not want to need the ativan again. So, I’m watching that and waiting.
We might be able to get actual access to the deli this week. If so, I’m going to be very busy and I’m hoping that will alleviate a lot of the nerves I’m having right now.

Until I gave up my cobra, I had a dr who gave me a prescription for the Ativan and that is still current. He has not required me to come back in so far, so that’s how I’m able to get the pills. Since I cut them in pieces, they’ve been lasting quite a while, but not expiring.

I do want to give up the pot for awhile and see what happens with the menopause. I just want to be honest with myself about why I use it. If those hot flashes come back, I’m picking up my pipe. That’s what happened last time. Or that is what I’ve convinced myself happened last time.
So, we’ll see how that goes.

I just hate that I’m feeling ashamed that I need it or like it or what have you, whether for the actual menopause or simply because I have maybe a degree of mental illness. Or both.
Or maybe that’s all just an excuse for liking to get high. Fuck if I know anymore. Why do I need to apologize for that or feel ashamed? If I liked wine, I’d be preppy and cool and look pretty holding a pretty stemmed glass. But I don’t like wine. I like pot. sigh

But finally, thanks so much for the good wishes. I lost what little bit of faith I had over this last year and became pretty much an atheist. This has not helped my mental state, of course.
But yes, I’m really hoping that this will work out well for us and I will finally feel like I fit somewhere. Before we relocated to this area a couple of years ago and prior to losing my meager faith, I did put in an order with the universe for where I wanted to be in a couple of years. That order included a sandwich shop, not a desk job, so yeah, who knows?
Thanks again, sorry to go on so long.

I’ll start a thread soon for everyone’s favorite deli sandwich or side dish, so I hope you’ll chime in there too if you have a suggestion.

82

Exactly. Stop beating yourself up.

83

not what you’d expect, I didn’t want to participate in this thread - I wanted to PM you, but you don’t accept PMs.

What I was going to say is you sound like a really great person. It comes through in the candid honesty and humility of the way you post. Anyway, liking pot is no biggie at all in my world - I used to smoke all the time for pleasure, but it disagreed with me in the end, and I stopped.

If you could possibly try, it could be a good idea to try, say, a month taking nothing at all, just to check if you absolutely need drugs/pharmaceuticals to get you through life (one of the things with taking something all the time is that it makes it difficult to know when it is no longer required [though of course Lorazepam withdrawal may have side effects - consult your physician]).

And your deli project sounds awesome, and just what you need. I lost my job fairly recently too, and I was lucky enough to end up in a place where I can really fulfil myself; sounds like you were lucky too.

84

Thanks, I know. I’m making progress.
The support I’ve received in this thread has played a huge role in how I’m coping with this. I’m so glad I found the courage to post it and I can’t ever thank you all enough.

You guys may have saved me from a nervous breakdown. :slight_smile:

85

Oh no, I guess my settings are wrong. I need to change that to accept PM’s. I’m so sorry.

And thank you so much for the compliment. I’ve always prided myself on my honesty and that has been one of the most painful parts of this whole episode. The fact that my former employer does not believe me, really hurts.

But I’m making my peace with the fact that I can’t control what they believe.

One or two more days and we will know if the city is going to give us the green light on the deli. I agree that it could be just what I need and I am going to try not to use anything during this time.
There is one new glitch in our plan though that has me thinking maybe we should hope for a way to get out of the lease. Our deli mentor has backed out! :eek:

We just lost a huge advantage that I’m not sure what to do about.

But we’re still chugging and hoping for the best. If we do get open and succeed, you guys have a meal coming on the house. That’s for sure.

Thanks again. Off to change my settings.

86

Sounds bad, but I don’t think it’s bad. Unless by “mentor” you mean “someone with cash”. If the former definition, I’m sure you can wing it. Do your research. You know what makes a great deli - find some that you’d love to emulate (which are not competitors) and talk to them about the pitfalls. Then make it uniquely yours.

87

No, not money. Just the day to day running of a deli. We are trying to mimic a very successful deli from our former city, so not competing. The owner of that deli agreed to let us come in and watch and share vendors with us and stuff like that, but when we called to tell her that we had signed the lease, she was really rude and short. So we are not going to call her again. We suspect that she agreed without consulting her partners. So we do need to learn this stuff elsewhere.

It just makes an already somewhat risky plan a little more scary to me.

I go from, “Oh my gosh, I’m so excited.” to “Holy shit, what are we doing?” with annoying frequency. :slight_smile:

88

My mother ran a successful deli for ten years. One of her “secrets” was cleanliness. It sounds stupid, doesn’t it? Of course your deli will be clean! If you visit other delis, however, even the chains like Subway, you’ll find that while they’re always sanitary, they sometimes look a bit worn around the edges.

What kind of deli is it? A small counter in a larger business where you sell sandwiches, a free-standing business specializing in interesting cheeses and meats, or a speciality grocery?

89

Oh I agree with the clean part. We want a very sanitary, modern look to it. A lot of the eateries around here are old and dusty.

This place was a cafe for years. It’s a suite of it’s own in a larger building. It will seat about 20 people inside and then there is an outdoor courtyard. We plan to have sandwichs, potato salad, seafood salad, chili.
Just that sort of thing. A few sweets.

My biggest worry at the moment is how do we know how much bread to buy for opening day. It’s just too silly, but this just has me momentarily stumped. :0)

90

As the sister of a number-cruncher, I thought you guys already were funny…

not what you’d expect, maybe you can find a decent doc-in-a-box in the area to take a look at the scrips, both of them.

My mother “went onion-clothing” about 15 years ago and has been since, the size=7, bold color=red hot flashes are now down to about size=5 with no fancy formatting but still there. Her sister on the other hand got through it all in a matter of months; she doesn’t get cold as often as she would when she was younger, but no hot flashes. Hopefully you’ll be closer to my aunt than my mom!

91

You’ll need at least 2 slices.

92

Will you be my new mentor? Please. :smiley:

Thanks Nava. I hope so too.

93

Stoned? :smiley:

not what you’d expect, I feel for you. Lacking other options, it sounds like you are using not abusing. Our society is pretty warped- people can abuse alcohol, painkillers and such and stroll around high and mighty. You use what you need and stroll around high. And not mighty at all.

And that’s just wrong.

94

not what you’d expect,

I think a few “trite sayings to live by” may be just what you need:

“Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else.”

“You were born an original. Don’t become a copy.”

“It is not worth an intelligent man’s time to be in the majority. By definition, there are already enough people to do that.”

“Judge not, lest ye be judged”

And my personal favorite: “Rehab is for quitters”

:wink:

95

Thanks Enola Gay and Cartooniverse.

I appreciate the support. I’m sure it will work out, eventually.

96

Ok, it has been less than 24 hours since I have used any pot. I’ve been uncomfortably warm this morning and it’s only 72 degrees in the house. This temp usually has me under a light blanket, but instead I have windows open to cool off.

So, does anyone know if it’s possible that the thc withdrawal itself is causing these and I’m just assuming it’s menopause?

I’m not giving up yet, but this is going to be interesting, I guess.

97

It’s possible that it’s not a hot flash, but simply that your body’s thermostat has changed its settings. Post-menopausal women generally are comfortable at temperatures which men consider comfy but which pre-menopausal women would think of as “I’m freezing here!” At 72F I’d be freezing, my aforementioned aunt (and any of my male coworkers) would be in shirtsleeves.

If it lasts hours, it’s not a hot flash.

98

Thanks Nava, I did google thc withdrawal symptoms after I posted. I didn’t see anything about hot flashing or body temp issues. But I’m not ruling it out yet.

The warming I felt this morning lasted about 20 or 30 minutes. It wasn’t horrible, but it was uncomfortable. So far, that’s it.

Thanks for responding, I really need to learn to google first so I don’t bother you guys too much.

:slight_smile: