I’m pretty sure unctuous does not mean what you think it means.
Have fun with your psychodrama.
Here’s a clue. The bad people hang out in the Pit. If they sicken you, like they sometimes sicken me, give them their space. They’re not going to get any better, probably ever.
You’d be wrong, as usual.
Using this dolly, can you show me where the bad man touched you?
No, no, no. We all “should have been” sodomized with cacti. If we are going to be this tense, we should all be past perfect.
Good one. 
This was my first thought on reading the first few replies. Really, would you tell a kid whose parents found out he was gay to deny who he is or else go live in his car? I hope none of those folks are the parents of teenagers.
SeanHallam try to take the advice of the folks saying you should sit down and talk to your parents. Until you can leave home, you guys are going to have to come to some compromise.
Looks like a guilty dog is barking first.
“He did what to your dog?”
Well, you really are on a tear in this thread. 
Seriously, you’ve probably messed the teen up for life. You should get a loadstar multiplier for that!
I believe our friend is having a bit of fun, besides saying what he believes. The clue was in his first post:
See how he is playing with our preconceptions of what an angry parent would say.
And here he is channeling his father, and every other father of our generation. Note that our fathers were among those men who came back from WWII alive. The dead ones may have had a different perspective on the value of their time in the military.
OK, but I’ll need a leather harness, studded collar, whip, dildo and some used motor oil . . . oh, and a goat.
1.5/10. Lost half a point for not using fuckwit.
2006 called. They said you’re a fuckwit.
“As my family and I do every day.” Really? You’re not a member of the family if you’re an atheist?
Also, did they actually forbid you from being in the house while they were at church? I don’t understand the point of this.
Welcome, SeanHallam.
I applaud your independent thinking and if you are willing to endure your parents’ intolerance in order to be truthful, then it shows you have a strong and uncompromising character.
Ignore those who offer snide comments such as “Get a haircut/job” because they simply don’t matter all that much to anyone. If a parent’s love is dependent on invisible man worship, then it doesn’t really exist.
That may or may not help. I refused to go to church when I was the OP’s age and was promptly grounded. I stayed pretty calm though and didn’t have a problem with discussing or accepting other beliefs- I was agnostic. Being grounded didn’t especially bother me, as I figured the punishment was laughable compared to what governments in the past had handed out to those acting on the basis of conscience. I was a bookish sort anyway, so there weren’t many convincing punishments anyway that could be handed to a studious 18 year old with ambitious parents.
“Go but don’t take communion”, might have been a plausible compromise but nobody thought of it. Our denomination was Episcopalian, FTR.
So what? They took up the responsibility to feed and house him when they decided to keep him instead of putting him up for adoption or aborting him.
Still, it’s best to hide your atheism while you are in the house of such people; not out of respect, but because they are enemies. It’s clear that they are the sort of “good Christians” who don’t actually feel much if any genuine affection for their children; they just look at their children as vessels to shove their religion forward into the next generation. It’s entirely possible they are the sort who’ll have their “godless” child hauled off to some Third World Jesus camp where he can starved and beaten into compliance. It’s dangerous to admit to being an atheist when you can’t defend yourself.
The Lord giveth, and the Lord beateth you into submission until you accept his merciful loving ways.
At least you didn’t tell them the way I told my parents: Left my copy of *Atlas Shrugged *lying around where they’d find it. Turns out, they didn’t care so much about the atheism; they were just concerned that I’d become a Republican.