Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice, as I am currently having some difficulties with my parents. To lay out the situation:
I was raised in a very religious household (Protestant). I am now 22 years old and have just graduated from college. Over the past few years, as my knowledge and critical thinking has progressed, I have found myself less and less interested with religion, to the point that I would no longer consider myself a Christian nor do I believe in the faith (which is not to say that religion = bad. Many good things are a part of and come out of religion as a whole and Christianity as an example. I just do not have faith and cannot reasonably believe those things). So recently, it has come to my parents attention that I do not share their faith, and do things that are against the teachings of their faith, namely sleeping with my girlfriend. My mother has said a number of times that I have ‘broken her heart’ etc. etc. My parents say it is there way or the highway; I must follow their rules, or move out, and unfortunately, due to impaired health, it is not reasonable to expect to completely support myself at the moment. I will be attending graduate school in the fall, but am living at home for this summer.
I would consider myself a relatively good guy. I work hard, do well in school, treat others as I would wish to be treated. I’m not a murderer. I don’t deal drugs. Religion is just not a part of my life and not how I define myself, though my parents obviously see differently. This is becoming a HUGE problem.
I want to be able to visit my girlfriend, and do what I please. I want them to accept me as who I am. What can I do? What can I say?
Thanks for any advice.
NoALittleH
It sounds as though the “sleeping with my girlfriend” thing might be more of a sticking point than your Atheism. (Lots of religious folks have premarital sex. They just don’t share the details with their preachers and/or parents.)
Work towards becoming self supporting. Do what you can to improve your health.
In the meantime, lie.
I had the mirror image of your problem: I was raised as an atheist, and my parents were horrified when I became a Christian. The best advice I can give is that you make an effort to avoid discussing religion whenever possible. Don’t say anything about the difference between your beliefs and your parents’ beliefs, and if your parents bring it up, try to change the subject. I know this may sound as if I’m advising you against having the courage of your convictions, but it is my belief that sometimes the only way to handle disagreements with parents is to weasel out of talking about the disputed matter.
Give the whole situation time. It will probably take more time than from now until fall and the start of graduate school for your parents to start truly treating you as an adult, and giving you the freedom to be “you”.
If you have attacked your parents’ religious beliefs, stop at once. Do not provoke them.
Accept that living under your parents’ roof comes with strings–you may not be able to see your girlfriend as often as you’d like, or sleep with her as often as you’d like.
In all seriousness, many, many parents have problems when their college student children come home for summer break. The Child is used to having the freedom to stay up late, to drink, to see friends at all hours, to sleep around, to eat pizza and potato chips and ice cream for all meals. The Parent knows intellectually that all this is true. But, they can “pretend” their child is behaving appropriately. Then Child comes home. Wants to do what Child wants. Parent wants Child home and in bed (alone) at a reasonable hour, no signns of alcohol use, eat veggies at every meal, etc.
This causes conflict. Even without an Atheism vs. Religion problem. This type of conflict takes time to resolve. There are no magic words that you can say which will make your parents think of you as a grown-up ready to make your own decisions.
Obey your parents’ rules while you are still a guest of their hospitality (at 22, that’s really what you are), work on your health, and do what you please after you have moved out of their house. If you can get along with your parents in spite of religious differences once you are on your own and you can all live with a “don’t ask/don’t tell” policy on how you’re living your life, I’d say just suck it up until fall. I’m not saying lie, but if you were to just not mention certain things you are doing…
I’m not sure anyone’s parents accept them for who they are in all ways. There are many accommodations to be made between adult children and parents. For example, you might be the freakiest freak on Freak Street, but your parents don’t need to know about that and most people feel no need to tell their parents (and I think most parents really don’t want to hear it). I think you’re sort of getting caught between a child under his parents’ rules and an adult making his own rules and living his life by his own morality.
I think there is a spectrum of behavior with being provocative/“trolling”/poking people with sticks on one end and having a complete lack of interest in other people’s points of view on the other. Especially when dealing with a parent/child relationship during that awkward time when the child wants to be treated as an adult–but with Mom and Dad paying for stuff, avoiding the provocative end of the behavior spectrum is a good idea, and has little to do with the courage of someone’s convictions.
With time, separation, and respect on both sides, the parents and child can have discussions about the topic of Atheism vs. Religion. Or they may be happier with a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy.
Anecdote which may promote thread-drift.
My mom has a co-worker who just married off her only daughter. Co-worker has been planning the wedding for almost a year, and frequently consulting Other Coworker. Other Co-worker is Italian (American) and OPINIONATED. She was working REALLY hard at following the “If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all” dictate of ettiquette. Mother of the Bride was never content with anything short of effusive praise for her ideas and skill at saving money. She was very guilty of poking and prodding until a bland polite “It’s nice” starts to sound like “I hate it, I think it looks cheap and tacky, and I wouldn’t use your idea if my daughter was getting married”.
I told my family about a year ago at the dinner table: “Well, i’m not gay. But I am an atheist.”
I think being an atheist is far worse than being gay according common stereotypes. Richard Dawkins cites research that atheists are feared more than any other group in America, despite the fact that they are mostly harmless people who like to think objectively about the big questions of our time.
My sister still tries to get me to accept Jesus Christ as my lord and saviour. I think she’s nuts, she thinks i’m nuts. Actually, she thinks i’m smart but that I am going to burn in hell for eternity.
It’s hard to give any good advice on this one. I would spill my beans if I were you (I’m much happier having done so). But be warned: You’re going to have to roll with the punches.
I’m a fairly “good girl” (not virginal until marraige sort of good but ‘never caused my parents many concerns’ sort of good) and I have fairly “conservative middle class suburban” (not overly religious, but not former hippie) parents.
I’m 40.
Its only in the past few years that my parents have discovered what I was doing at 21, and that I’ve discovered what THEY did at 21.
I hope you are not having sex with your girlfriend in your parents home - that’s disrespectful of them and their rules. And if you are having it anywhere else, there is no reason for them to know. They don’t need to know your beliefs or philosophy - its called a personal philosophy for a reason. And if your rent is an hour spent on Sunday paying lipservice to your parents faith, well, it appears to be what you can afford right now.
Yeah I spilled the beans. It’s all out in the open, and I definitively feel better for having done that, but it has just made things hell around here. I feel they are unreasonable; they feel I am a sinner. Doesn’t make things easy.
My father is a pastor. He has been since, well, since any of his children were born. All three of his children have NOTHING to do with religion. The closest any of his children came to “religion” was my Religion and Culture undergrad degree. (I studied religion academically because it was interesting, nothing more.) My father feels no resentment towards any of us. I have premarital sex with my girlfriend in the house all the time. My eldest sister spent many a year doing nothing but disappointing the parents and extended family she had moved in with. All in all, we’re a fucked up family that is terribly successful.
What I’m trying to say: If your parents love you, they’ll cope. They’ll learn how to live with you. The premarital sex in their house… ok, live by their rules. As for the rest, if they cannot accept your life decisions, tell them you are forsaking them. (Goodluck with the health issues.)
Just for the record, there has been no sex in the house. I was sleeping with her while I was at school before I graduated, and at her place. While I am here I do respect their beliefs and wouldn’t ask to or expect to sleep with her.
I left the church when I was 16, and it was really tough. My parents were Missouri-Synod Lutherans, and my mom especially was quite religious. There was a lot of crying and my mom almost broke my heart, when she said “I understand you feel doubt, but I really want to spend eternity with you.”
In the end, my parents got divorced and my mom’s churchy friends shunned her. She’s since become much less judgemental and it’s no longer a bad point. Be clear but firm that you won’t participate in church or religious activities, but continue to live your life (respecting your parents rules as much as feasible when in the house). Things might work out, but if not, they’ll get used to it even if they never like it.
Their roof, their rules. Sucky but inescapable. Avoid the religious debate, this has very little (if anything) to do with that. It has to do with sleeping with the g/f. They don’t want it. Just make sure they hear nothing of it. You can make that happen by not sleeping with her anymore, or by not making sure they don’t know about it. Your call.
If you want to be treated like an adult, act like one. If they are paying the bills, they get to make the rules. You may as well stop moaning about them being ‘irrational’. Wait till you have to put up with a boss, if you think that’s irrational.
I “uncloseted” as an atheist at 13. My parents never really accepted it, my dad eventually stopped literally screaming at me on holidays after 10 years or so. In my family the older generation seemed to think either I was joking, or I was completely insane. My cousins generally couldn’t care less.
Good luck.
From your parents’ perspective, they’re not actually being unreasonable. I assume they have always been as religious as they are now, and you really don’t have any reason to assume that they would have changed their stance on the things you are doing now that you’re an atheist. You are actually being the unreasonable one; just because you have changed doesn’t mean you should expect your parents to do so too.
I turned away from religion around age 20, so I know where you’re coming from. The good news is, I found a nice atheist girl, and we’ve been married now for almost three years (note: we got married in Las Vegas and quietly asked specifically for a non-religious ceremony; to date, no one has mentioned the lack of “God” stuff in the proceedings). On the other hand, we now have some new issues to deal with, thanks to our new daughter. Thankfully, most of her family is respectful of her choices, but I suspect her grandfather will not be pleased if he finds out that she’s not getting baptized.
Anyway. Most of the time, lack of religiosity is a non-issue for our families. There have been times, however, since I became an atheist when I was expected to attend a religious ceremony for one reason or another. Don’t fight it, just go, and stay quiet and respectful of other people’s superstitions. Stand when you’re expected to stand and such, but I’d pass on things like eucharist and ashes on your forehead. Personally, I feel that open participation in a ritual I don’t believe in is more disrespectful than just staying quiet and unobtrusive. Though we were raised Catholic, I didn’t take communion at my brother’s wedding, because I felt that taking it as a nonbeliever would be very disrespectful and unmannerly. Plus I might have burst into flames.
Which reminds me, Catholicism is actually handy for atheism, because as I understand it, if you were baptized Catholic, you’re considered Catholic until you either join another church or are formally excommunicated. So, you can say you belong to the Catholic church without lying.
As far as the parental reconversion goes, if they get really pushy with trying to bring you back into the fold, you can make your response like I did many years ago: “Look, this just means that I’m asking questions and trying to figure out what the truth is. I haven’t found it yet, but I’m still working on it. And I don’t think God is so mean that he’d punish me for that.” Godly types will often accept that.
Your wish to “be able to visit my girlfriend, and do what I please” while having your parents support you may not be granted. I appreciate what you want, but beholden is beholden.
“I want them to accept me as who I am.” This also is theirs to grant, not yours to expect.
Most to the point, people in general don’t and shouldn’t need their parents’ approval when they are past early or mid teens. A reasonable hope is mutual politeness. A strong and rewarding relationship with mutual approval is very nice if it happens, but hardly the norm.
Could you be blaming this on your athiesm (which IMHO really is proper and correct) to deflect the more unpleasant underlying issue that they want some control over your sex life in return for their support?
FWIW my advice is to focus on your health and independence, or if that isn’t going to happen then focus on some institutional or other support separate from your parents. Sounds like this is the real problem to fix.
Good luck! -an independent and devout athiest
What Napier said.
In their minds, religion = morality = sexual rules. In your mind those issues aren’t connected; in fact they aren’t even important.
Once you are not living in their house & not living off their money (tuition, living expenses, etc), then you can legitimately do as you please. Until then, the Golden Rule applies: them what has the Gold makes the Rules. Whether they later choose to accept your later behavioral decisions is for them to decide then, not for you to decide now.
I will suggest that rubbing the sex thing in their face right now is going to make the religious gap much harder to bridge later when you’re really on your own. And your lifelong relationship with your parents is much more important than the nookie du jour.
My personal bias is that religion is for fools, morality is utterly different from religiosity (though nowadays heavily hijacked by it), and the idea that morality is connected to sex is Dark Ages thinking. So my general attitude is sympathetic to your goals, other than the one of abusing your parents’ hospitality.
They may be intolerant fools, but it is their absolute right to be so and to attach arbitrary conditions to both their hospitality & their friendship / acceptance. And they think this way too. So be guided accordingly.
In any life situation one can always choose one’s actions or one’s consequences. What one cannot do is choose both. Words to live by (at least in my experience).
So, my husband was right about me not taking communion during one of the wedding or funeral masses we are familially obligated to attend. Or is there a different punishment for those never baptized in any church? He has alluded to bolts of lightning at times.
Ewww!