So now I'm a skinhead (lame rant w/o lots of cussing)

The BBQ Pit
1

I needed a haircut, so I ventured out today to get one. VunderWife had previously insisted we go to some place in the mall close to home, and we liked the cuts, so I went back today.

I won’t darken their door ever again.

I’m an old guy, and quite staid in my ways, so naturally I like my hair short. My usual order is “Set your clippers for 1/2 inch, and go to town.” Any other time, and any other cutter would then put an attachment on the clippers, and lop off the long ones, with results that I like.

Said the exact same thing today, but I got more that I bargained for. She started messing with her clippers, and asked me twice if I really meant 1/2 inch. Well, yea, was my answer. I didn’t pay much attention after that, and she went to work.

She was most of the way done, and I happened to look up into the mirror. My hair was GONE. I was left with a 5 day shadow around my bald spots.

Me: “Holy shit!!!”

Brainless haircutter: “What?!?”

Me: “I said 1/2 inch. If my hair is 1/16 inch, I’ll lick your floor.”

BH: “I set the clippers for 1/2 inch like you said”, playing with the cutting head, which had no attachment.

Me: “Anyone else puts one of those comb doohickeys on when I say 1/2 inch, and I get the cut I expect. I think it’s called a #4”

BH: “I asked you twice if you really meant 1/2 inch, and that’s what you got.”

Me: “I always wanted to see what I looked like with my head shaved.”

I paid her and left, but I sure as hell didn’t tip her. I was in too much shock to be monumentally pissed.

I sat and fumed all afternoon, and by early evening, the monumental PO was there. I went back to yell at the manager.

Me: “I want to bitch about my haircut.”

Manager: “What is there to complain about? There’s not much left.” Bad move, you cunt.

Me: “When a customer says 1/2 inch, what does that mean?”

CM: “We cut right down to the scalp.” Sonovabitch, that’s what they did.

Me: “So how the hell do I say I want my hair 1/2 inch long?”

CM: “Tell her to use a #4. I’m not going to refund any money, because she cut your hair the way you instructed.”

Me: “I didn’t ask for a refund. And I’ll be damned if I ever come here again.”

Most of you don’t know what I looked like before, but it’s easy now. Find a modern day picture if G. Gordon Liddy, and mentally make him fat.

2

Chicks dig bald guys. Grow a goatee and take advantage of this glorious opportunity!

3

I’m not sure I follow CM’s logic here. You ask them for something, and they give you something else, and it’s your fault because you used plain English instead of their code phrases? With a bit of effort, you could work that up into a Monty Python sketch …

“I wish to complain. I asked your driver to take me to the railway station, and he took me to Birmingham instead.”

“Yes, well, whenever someone asks for the railway station, we always drive them to Birmingham. It’s company policy, I’m afraid.”

“But what do I do if I want to go to the railway station.”

“Ah, well, in that case, you have to tell the driver that the Suffragan Bishop of Hereford wears water wings under his surplice. It’s all in the book.”

“What book?”

“The company regulations book. It’s all plainly laid out.”

“Well, can I see the book?”

“Certainly” (Slaps him in the face with a haddock.)

“What was that?”

“You asked to see the book, didn’t you?”

“But you hit me in the face with a haddock!”

“Yes, we always hit people in the face with a haddock when they ask to see the book. It’s company policy, I’m afraid.”

(British army Colonel comes on to tell them to stop the sketch as it’s getting too silly.)

4

So very true. If you’re lucky, they’ll all be petting your head.

5

Fucking hell. Good thing you didn’t walk in and say “Cut it off down to my scalp.” She woulda been peeling your flesh back with a skinning knife.

6

I can’t believe you actually paid.