So our friend has vanished. Now what do we do? (long... and weird)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I don’t normally do this sorta thing but we are at a loss. Here’s the story:

We have a friend. Let’s call her Colleen. I have been friends with Colleen for about 7 years, my best friend has been friends with her for about 15 years. She is a smart, funny, attractive woman with a good career, late 20s early 30s age range. Last June the 3 of us, along with some other friends, started collaborating on creative projects, so we hung out at least once a week every week from June to December. In December we decided to take a lil break for the holidays and reconvene after the new year.

January comes around, we start shooting around emails to get the gang back together. She didn’t respond to emails or text messages and didn’t show up to the first meeting. She was occasionally flaky*, and the time of the year was around when her mother died 3 years ago which was hard for her, so we didn’t think too much of it. We figured she was taking some time to herself and would get in touch with us when she was better, which usually took about a week.

A few of weeks go by and she still hasn’t responded to any form of communication. We get a hold of her boyfriend (of sorts) and he says she hasn’t contacted him either in weeks. He got a hold of her father, who said she is OK and not to worry about her, but wouldn’t give any more information. We decided to go by her place, and some guy answered the door and said she didn’t live there any more and he moved in about a week earlier (roughly 3 weeks after we lost contact).

So time goes by, we try to get a hold of her father but he won’t return our calls. About 2 weeks ago, my buddy went to her father’s house. There were no cars in front. All the lights were on, and loud piano music was playing. Nobody answered the doorbell or knocks and they couldn’t see anyone inside. Last saturday we finally got a hold of her father on the phone. He said she is safe and we don’t have to worry about her, that she was on vacation. Here is the conversation (roughly):

US: “We would like to contact her, is there any way you can help us?”
HIM: “The best way would probably be to send her a letter.”
US: “Great, can you give us an address please?”
HIM: “Just send it to her old address.”
US: “We went by there, so we know she doesn’t live there anymore.”
HIM (w/o missing a beat): “Oh just send it to me then.”

At this point my friend kinda lost it, and started yelling at the guy. He has been deliberately misleading us and we are very worried. The father threatened to call the police on my friend for being verbally abusive to which my friend replied “GOOD! Call the police!!!” He backed off, but still refused to give any help.

So thats where we are now. My question is, what do we do? Respect their privacy? Call the police? Which police even, the ones in her dad’s town? I am at a total loss here, so any suggestions will help. Thanks for reading.

*This is a fairly crucial part of this plot: I had noticed some odd behavior in her as early as last september. Nothing major just little things like she would occasionally seem spacey and out of it. Once she was unable to operate the lock on my front door to leave my place. She drank and smoked pot & cigarettes. If she was doing any other drugs she hid it well. Anyways the point is, I noticed odd behavior and last Halloween I told my best friend “I think Colleen is losing her mind.” About 2 weeks before the last time we saw her I said to our group: “I predict we will be seeing less of Colleen.” I had no idea she would completely vanish though.

2

IMHO, kinda sounds like Colleen has gone into rehab or some other medical/treatment type facility.

But with all the emphasis on patient privacy these days that will be hard to confirm without talking directly to her.

3

This reminds me vaguely of a story I saw on one of those primetime news shows about a little girl who disappeared while in her mother’s custody. The father tried for years to figure out WTF happened to her, but the police wouldn’t do anything becuase the mother had custody and she said everything was fine, and the girl was with friends.

I have no idea if it’s a similar situation for an adult, but I doubt the police will be able to do much if her immediate family tells them there’s nothing wrong. Hopefully Projammer is right.

4

The only thing that really raises questions in my mind is that her father told your buddy to send mail to the old address, where Colleen no longer lives. That’s odd. But maybe she is having her mail forwarded to his address.

I agree that it sounds as if Colleen is in some sort of treatment facility, and her father is probably just trying to protect her privacy. You should send her a letter c/o her father and see if she answers. If not, keep in mind that people have a right to disappear.

5

Before pursuing any other course, I believe I might send her a letter at his address.

He could be cranky because he’s embarrassed his daughter is in rehab/institutionalized. He may have been sworn not say anything by her. He may just be cranky.

It only costs a stamp and is worth a shot. Write a nice letter saying how much you miss seeing her or hearing from her. Give her a phone number to contact you, an email address, a snail mail address. Politely ask her to please contact you as you are seriously concerned by her seeming disappearance. Tell her if you hear nothing you feel your only course of action will be to involve the police. Tell her you hope she is well wherever she may be.

And then wait and see what happens. She may get your letter regardless of how cranky her father is, or unable to provide details. She may even respond. Which isn’t to say you’ll get all the answers you’re looking for, of course. But she may call just to say, I’m okay, please don’t ask too many questions, please don’t involve the police.

But I agree, people have the right to up and disappear if they so choose. It is important to determine whether she chose or not though.

6

I’d make a phone call to her place of employment and ask to speak with her. If she’s on a medical LOA, they’re not supposed to tell you, but if you tell her that you’re a worried friend, she may spill the beans.

Other than that, I’d leave it alone. Assuming her father hasn’t killed her and stuffed her in his basement, I think he’d let you know if she truly were missing.

7

I hope your worries are unfounded, HoboStew. If it makes you feel better at all, I dropped everything and moved away for a few months when I was in my early twenties, and didn’t tell my friends of former co-workers where I was. My parents wouldn’t tell anyone where I was, either. I inadvertently scared the hell out of a couple of people, and the situation was entirely benign. (No, I am not going to explain where I went or why, but, as I say, the situation was benign.)

Be aware that your attempts to locate your friend may not be entirely welcome to her, regardless of the reason for her “disappearance.” If she is voluntarily out of touch, pursuing the matter too far may cost you her friendship. I’m not telling you not to follow your gut feelings, of course – just be aware of the possible consequences. BE CAUTIOUS. You do NOT want to run afoul of any kind of “anti-stalking” law.

Walk carefully, and try not to further alienate your friend’s Dad. His behavior may seem suspicious, but he may just be trying to protect his daughter. The first thing to do would be to take him at his word and send TWO letters to “Colleen,” one directly to her old address and one c/o her father’s address. The letter to her old address may be forwarded, or may come back undeliverable. In either event, you will have learned something. I’m not optimistic, but the post office may have a new address on file. If they do have an address and the forwarding time has expired, you may get your envelope back with the new address stamped on it. Again, not likely, but worth 42 cents (or whatever postage costs these days). You could try sending the letter “registered, return receipt requested,” but I wouldn’t. You may just scare the living hell out of her by making her think she’s in trouble for something, and/or piss off her dad. Plus, such letters can always be refused, which would tell you pretty much nothing.

(Section deleted on edit. I thought better of it.)

8

Thanks for the responses people. Rehab/Institution was our first guess too, and while I can see her dad trying to protect her, it seems odd she wouldn’t at least tell her friend of 15 years. They are very close and she has confided in him many times. Her disappearance is really out of character because we are her closest friends. She has all of our contact information, if she wanted to get a hold of us (assuming she is capable of doing so) she would. The shadiness of her father, in addition to him being something of a weirdo in general, is really what is causing us concern.

But your point is well taken, she is an adult and free to disappear if she wants to, but it is so unlike her I find it hard to believe that she would do so voluntarily.

She was self-employed. A couple of her customers (who are friends of mine/my family) have contacted me because she was doing work for them before she vanished.

9

Another potential answer.

You mentioned that she smokes pot and drinks. She may have been busted on a DUI or something similar and is avoiding contact with people she knows on advice of council. Or because she’s in lockup somewhere. Not trying to be alarmist, just thinking out loud.

Personally I’d still lean towards my first impression that she’s getting treatment for something somewhere.

10

A buddy of mine, “Sven”, had a problem with a stalker. The woman was making Sven and his wife’s life a living hell. (There was a restraining order type thing, but it did jack to stop the harassment). Finally, they moved, got an unlisted number etc. Then I lost his new email address. His parents, who knew me still didn’t provide me with any information when I was trying to reach him because the woman who was stalking Sven had previously tricked them by having a man call and pretend to be one of his buddies.

It probably would have been different if I had been there asking them in person, since they knew me, but over the phone they weren’t saying a word. We finally got back in touch when I ran into his wife.

Your friend’s dad might be sounding weird because he feels really awkward witholding information from her friends . That’s gotta be awkward. And if he doesn’t have the greatest diplomacy skills, he’d probably sound creepy rather than reassuring.

11

When my sister left an abusive boyfriend and then disappeared into rehab there was a similar pattern. Including her deciding that some of her long time friends had been complacent in her abuse (either the domestic abuse or her abuse of alcohol) and cutting them off. I think (and still think) her judgment in some of this was very skewed, and that sometimes she made arrangements to cut out healthy people, and keep some of the unhealthy ones.

12

I dunno… I work in the drug treatment field, and although it’s not uncommon for people to be advised to avoid contact with former partying pals, I’ve never heard of anyone being advised to just vanish without a trace and not explain to their friends what is going on. I suppose it’s possible, though. Of course, this assumes that the OP was in fact getting high with her…if not, the typical advice would be to stick closer to your non-using friends. I tend to agree, sounds like she is in rehab somewhere.

13

You can call the courthouse (metro or district or both) and at least confirm a DUI. If she got one over the holidays, odds are you’ll be able to figure out where she’s at. You might even be able to search that online.

14

Very strange and mysterious! I too would be worried. It does sound as if she’s either in rehab or jail. Check court records to see if she’s been arrested.

I do think you’re right to be worried and to try to contact her. Definitely write the letter. Does she have any other relatives you can contact? Also, keep in touch with her boyfriend to see if he hears anything.

I’m very curious about her “career.” She’s self-employed? What does she do? I find it odd that she would just abandon her clients.

Very very strange! Keep us updated!

15

Yeah - our town has an online database of offenders. Including the people from whom we bought this house (jerks!).

Good luck finding some info, that sounds creepy.

16

My vote is for Rehab or Jail.

And you know, sometimes people get so embarassed by things that they cut off contact with people who care for them because they are too ashamed to face them.

I lost a gaming buddy a couple of years ago who just dropped off the face of the Earth with no explanation. He’d been unemployed for a while, was massively in debt, his girlfriend left him and his car broke down. We think he moved home to his parents (300 miles away), but we’re not sure. He just vanished.

17

3 things I can think of:

1: Jail
2: Rehab, like an agressive-intervention kind of thing where they kidnap you in the middle of the night and take you somewhere out West to climb rock faces and crap
3: She’s hiding out from someone, maybe a stalker or someone dangerous.

You always think you can get in touch with someone if they’re alive and well and on good terms with you, but it’s disturbing to be reminded that this isn’t always the case. I hope it never happens to anyone I know.

18

For your sake, I am seriously hoping jail or rehab … my SCA clan had a member that met a man, married him within a matter of weeks, within a month or thereabouts moved to a different state, and no matter how hard we tried to get in touch, her husband blocked us, and all of a sudden we hear she died. And was buried within the week. never autopsied, and her son wasn’t even notified or invited to the funeral.

19

I had a friend in high school. We were very good friends for about two years. He lived right behind my house. We rarely went out together (maybe once or twice a month, but after we got home at night from being with our other friends we would hang out in his backyard for a few hours, every night. His dad got a new job and he told me he would be moving away in the next few weeks. After he gave me that news, we hung out a few more times and all of a sudden one day, he just wasn’t there. It was really really bizarre. I hopped the fence around midnight, went to go bang on his living room window and just as I was about to do it, I realized all the furniture was different. This was about 5 or 6 years ago, and I haven’t heard from him since. Can’t find him on myspace or facebook, don’t have any contact info or fowarding address. I don’t remember what state he moved to. And whenever I try and do some digging around online, the only thing I can come up with is that it looks like he and his family may have moved around to a few different states over the last few years, but I can’t tell for sure.

Still bums me out to know that, as far as I can tell, he just dropped off the face of the earth.

I’m still hoping somday he comes through town and tracks me down. My parents still live in the same house so he could easily just ask them where I live now.

20

A lot of jails will allow you to do a search of their current “guests”. You could rule that out pretty easily.