Er, Jakeline and ME. We’ll also be bringing the bad grammar with us – yeehaw!
Oh, I really wouldn’t come here Labor Day if I were you, Dude. See, the thing is, there’s a lot of Al-Qaida chatter lately about Portland and “9/4” - mention of poisoning the Bull Run Reservoir, bombing the MAX line at several major points, flying planes into the KOIN tower, all of the bridges and hydroelectric power plants on the rivers, and PDX, and car-bombing all of the tourist attractions for miles. They’ve really got it in for us, after what happened with the “Portland Seven,” and all.
Most of us plan on drinking the Kool-Aid on the 1st, so the place will be full of nothing but stinking, rotten corpses by the time you and your friends get here.
I hear there are some great deals on airfare to Seattle, though.
Just sayin’.
Sounds to me like we got a convoy!
You guys in Portland should consider yourselves lucky, in a few years it will be just like you are living in Southern California. 
In all seriousness, just out of curiosity…what exactly do you guys have against Seattle?
Nothing a’tall. We just happen to know how much more they enjoy being invade- er, visited by Californians than we do!
I gave about a hundred blowjobs to get my new place, so I won’t have to live in my car. We’ll be in Portland in 19 days.
I got my lava boots and my staff of ward-suv-bugs. Anything else I need?
Oh, I’m transplanting from Kansas, not California. Other than the constant Dorothy jokes I’m expecting, and the ban on… um… food, I think we’ll do fine.
I get it. Well, I just may have to check out Seattle too in that case.
Get used to using a mountain for instant navigational reference. (A big, beautiful, goddam-I-miss-that moutain.)
Well, at least it’ll still be summer when you visit. Just remember, Portlanders don’t tan, they rust.
Actually, that’s not quite true. The next exit is Tacoma.
Every time I plan to cross the bridge into Portland I have to wear my biohazard suit. I mean, all that stuff that flushes down the Columbia River has to end up somethere, and the confluence with the Willamette River means it never makes it to the Pacific Ocean. It all kinda stops at Portland because of the Willamette Whirlpool. That’s why the Portland airport is right next to the river. It’s all sludge flushed down from upstream. They didn’t even have to add fill dirt. Just packed it down using 55 gallon drums filled with Portland cement rolling it level.
And forget about sex. Even the former chief of police in Portland recently got demoted for just thinking about it.
I moved here in February. What a mistake! It’s a NIGHTMARE!!! The rain! It rains all the time! It’s raining right now! I’m typing this in standing water!
And the sales tax - HORRENDOUS!!!
The people are all mean and nasty - just listen to the beer names: Terminator. Hammerhead. They describe the attitude of the locals.
Good wine here? HAH!
Camping? Don’t make me laugh. Unless you like camping in a dirty parking lot.
Do you have any sort of individuality? You better not - it’s like living on Airstrip One. I had to sell all my clothes, shave, and buy a bunch of suits. It’s like a giant EDS campus.
And the music - I was at this awful place last night called The Edgefield, owned by the Portland Mafia. Yikes! I ran for my life!
And the CATS! Wild cats everywhere, biting and scratching you!
Wanna be an entrepreneur? FORGET IT. Nothing but corporate chains, as far as the eye can see. Oh, how I yearn for the days of seeing an independent business!
Are you political? Boy, are you in for a surprise. Total apathy. They’re going to build a Wal Mart in a neighborhood nearby, and NOBODY CARES!!
I could go on and on, but I have to go spray for locusts.
Hey, you really do live here!
Mostly at the Space Room. 
Sorry, we’ve hit our limit for California transplants in the Seattle area. We’re actually overstocked to the point where we’re storing the new ones in small boxes, telling them they’re in condos.
Try directing all your surplus Californians to Spokane - the only place I can think of that actually NEEDS them.
I just checked out house prices because my daughter is going to grad school in Eugene. Because of the sad state of Oregon, you can buy up maybe half a county for the price of a shack in LA or the Bay Area. Have fun.
And take some people from the Bay Area with you. Traffic here is getting bad again.
Don’t I know it. It is one of the reasons I was considering Portland. I found several 3 bedroom 2 bathrooms houses with 2 car garages and full back yards for rent at the same price as my 2 bedroom apartment with no parking and an elevator that only works sometimes. I found a 2 bedroom house for $200 a month less, and it had a fireplace.
Shame about the ban on food though, I do love to eat.
Old meth labs are cheap these days. I’m renting a nice used meth lab house for just under $2000 a month. It was only used as a meth lab by a little old lady on sundays. Nice place really. The rash, itch and cough hardly bother me at all anymore.
We lost our favourite dog to a sasquatch last night. Well, not all of it, just the head. We were both sad and happy about this. Sad because we loved that dog. Happy because we’ll have illegal meat for a week. Fire up the Dog-E-Q! Rover on the spit!
I do have some good news for you. We might have room for your car after all. They’ve decided to turn Portlands last park into a parking garage (or as we Portlanders like to call them: Condos).
I’m in Philomath, about seventy miles south of Portland. You might not get any more responses from the Portland folks, because I just saw a bright flash and a mushroom cloud up that direction.
On the other hand, it can be hard to tell because of raging forest fires blocking the view, and the fact that the speed of light is limited to twenty six miles an hour in Oregon.
Mmm… Californians. Tastes sorta like Mexican, but not as spicy.
–sofaspud
–so why is Spokane always the dead end for Californians?
Sorry about that, bootleg bean burrito I scrounged outta the trash when I was up in the 'Couve strangling rats for a nickel apiece. Didn’t mean to freak you out, man, sorry…
Knew I should’ve stuck with good wholesome dirt!