Yeah, so now we’ve got this new smell to deal with as well.
C’mon, man, you KNOW it’s a vast improvement! I have no idea what we’re gonna do when it wears off, though…
Don’t believe the bean burrito cover story! The upwelling of uranium-rich lava along thePortland Hills fault line finally got close enough to the surface to get bathed in neutrons from the Trojan reactor vessel that was scuttled at the end of the Wilamette. You’ve got another natural nuclear reactor on your hands. Too bad the whole place is under water - those radioactive steam clouds really cut through the rustproofing of late-model cars.
I had forgotten about the slow light there too. The only thing that I liked about the place was the cool blue glow thrown off by almost every moving object whenever the fog was thick enough (and it always was). A damn good thing, too, because whenever the downtown aluminum smelters kicked in the cost of electricity shot up so high that you could get thrown in debtor’s prison just for rubbing a balloon on your head and sticking it to the wall. And with it being dark 22 hours a day from August to May, you really needed the supplemental light source.
True. The extra methane in the air is adding an interesting crackle to the on-going Willamette River fire.
Just how the hell does water burn anyway?
Now wait just a doggone minute! They’ve cleaned it all up! Really! Why, there were, what, at least three days last year I could go outside without my gas mask!
Note to NAF1138: Don’t even consider Tacoma! If you’re not “bawn and bred” here, the atmosphere will peel the flesh off your bones in nothing flat. And if you somehow survive that, you’ll wake up one morning to find out that your house is at the bottom of a pile of slag from the smelter.* And if that doesn’t get you, the sheer dullness of the place will most certainly do you in.
Besides, would you really want to be associated with a place whose most notable alumni are John Allen Muhammad, John Lee Malvo and Ted Bundy?
*Yes, I know the smelter’s been gone for almost twenty years. We keep piles of slag around just in case.
Oh, yeah? Well, how’d you like to be remembered for Tonya Harding?! :rolleyes:
That’s Mayor Harding to you.
(Ok, so she wasn’t voted in. The other candidate dropped out after some sort of knee problem.)
Let’s see:One (or was it two?) whacked patellae on someone who, while she didn’t deserve it, had a voice like fingernails on a chalkboard;vsAn as yet undetermined number of corpses whose offense seemed to be either a) trusting a psychopath, or b) patronizing the wrong gas station or Home Depot.Sounds like a sucker bet to me. Of course, that could be the toxic fumes screwing around with my thought processes even more than usual.
(Note: the above may seem insensitive to the victims of our local anti-heroes. I don’t intend it that way. While I’m generally anti-death-penalty, I’m perfectly satisfied with Ted Bundy’s fate—in that case, it’s more like putting down a rabid dog. And I feel the same way about Messrs Muhammad and Malvo.)
Dear OP,
By all means, head right into Portland! I vacated the place about a decade ago so you can have my space, and I took my two sons with me, so there’s room for two more of you as well.
Just don’t come to Montana. There’s no, uh, water here. Much worse than no food.
Thing I miss most about the Portland area in the summer: cruising the streets of Oregon City and picking fist-sized, honey-sweet blackberries off the bushes as I walked along. Hot from the summer sun, and almost beyond luscious. What other food do you need?
–Beck
I think someone needs to open up a big can o’WhoopAss™ on the expats!
I was just there yesterday–in any event, I saw what’s left of it. What I dislike most about the aliens is how they typically only take **one bite ** of a guy, then fling him down still wriggling and move on to the next one.
Not to go all Cafe Society on youse, but has anyone read S.M. Striling’s books about post-deus ex machina-plot device set in Portland and surround? There’s a fair amount of overlap between his “fiction” and the haunting personal narratives in this thread.
Must sign off now. Grey-green vapor is seeping through the duct tape seals here in the bomb shelter (which also, it being Oregon, floods even in summer).
That’d be Stirling. I must be overcome by toxins.
Seriously - Rose City… doesn’t it just sing love and romance and beauty? Especially with that subsection of downtown “The Pearl District.” My gosh, how could you go wrong there?
Seattle’s downtown is where the term “Skid Row” comes from. And they have far fewer serial killers per capita than the state to the north. Plus, here, you have to pump your own gas.
Rose City does sing love and romance and beauty, but I hear a rumor that they ban the eating of food and the having of sex…not sure if I can hang with that.
Plus, I think that Downtown LA is actually where Skid Row comes from…and even if it isn’t, I am used to the poor. Have you ever been to Los Angeles? You can’t go more that 3 feet without running into a bum (mostly actors, but I digress).
You do make a good point about the gas thing though…always wanted to be forced to let someone else pump my gas for me. It really plays into my profound sense of laziness.
OK then, Seattle-ites(?)…Seattle-ers(?)…people of Seattle, tell me why I should move to Portland and NOT your fair city.
People of Portland, convince me that Seattle is paradise on earth. Because frankly, no matter how bad you make your own city sound…I live in LA. I got nowhere to go but up.
You know that whole thing about how the Vikings named “Iceland” during a bad year, but most of the time, it’s a really lovely place? And how “Greenland” was given that name mostly as a Viking propaganda campaign to try to promote its colonization?
Same thing goin’ on here with “Rose City” and “Skid Row”, if ya catch my drift. 
The Pearl District? It’s a buncha old warehouses, I shit you not.
Hey, you ever ask yourself why Seattle is featured in so many TV shows & movies, but you hardly ever hear a word about Portland, except in the occasionally abysmal Madonna flick?
Plus, here you aren’t even allowed to pump your own gas! You have to sit there and wait for the pump monkey to get around to you, and then he usually spills gas all over your car, and forgets to put the cap back on, etc. Sheesh!
Psst, amarinth - the “state” to the north of you - would that be British Columbia? 
Whoops - I meant to say “occasional abysmal Madonna flick.” Madonna flicks are abysmal all the time. 
Oh, and here’s some unbiased gushing about Seattle inanother thread .
Until you find out what they expect in return…
Have we mentioned the mildew? Or the field burning? Because the air quality here makes LA’s look good.
Oh, yeah - this can be the worst place in the U.S.A. to be if you have hay fever, by the way. Seriously, recently all but 1 of the top ten worst places in the country to be for allergy sufferers on that day were in the Willamette Valley.
You don’t believe me, check out Shoshana’s location. It’s no lie.