So the Ujests are working on their Last Will..

In My Humble Opinion (IMHO)
#1

And we come to the section about Funereal Plans.

Personally, what I want done with my body after I’ve checked out, I’m not sure is legal. I want a funereal pyre. *I am not kidding. *

**1. **Does anyone know/have any connections with the mortuary business or knows a fireman.

I personally think I (my survivors) should be able to pull a burning permit, douse my dead body with an accelerant, plop me up on the pile of wood and crappy furniture I want to throw out during my life but just couldn’t bear too, and strike a zippo. I mean, within an hour, two on the outside, I would be toast. Friends and family could sing songs, roast marshmellows and hang out while I join the choir above.

Oh, I want this done on my property, since we live in the sticks. And have my ashes scattered here too. I refuse to have my hard earned life insurance money go towards a burial plot.

My husband thinks I am very weird.

2. What are your funeral plans?

#2

All I know is, I have had cold feet (literally) for too much of my life. I want to be buried in slippers. Warm, fuzzy, comfortable slippers. I want warm feet in the afterlife.

Also, I think it’s damned creepy that we spend so much on a coffin that will be buried in the ground and never seen again (hopefully). I’d like a cheap casket–and better yet, one made of wicker or something so I can just rot naturally. It’s doubly creepy that they design graves and burials to keep one’s formaldehyde-soaked corpse preserved for so long. Let the worms feast, for christ’s sake!

I realize we’re using too much acreage in burying bodies, so I ought to give up the idea of a cemetary plot, but I’ve always loved cemetaries. Also, I don’t want my family stuck with an urn of ashes. Maybe cremate me, then bury the urn with a small, tasteful marker? Then I get the plot, but don’t take up much room.

Finally, take the money saved on the funeral trappings and have a great party that celebrates my life. Serve beer.

#3

Slice my corpse up and hand it out to anyone who desires some (To the tune of John Prine’s Please Don’t Bury Me). Then burn the remains (if any) and dispose of the ashes as any of my friends or family desires. I guess Mrs D or the kids get first dibs on how to dispose of me. Maybe in a garden somewhere. Would ashes increase the soil ph? Stick me in an urn on a mantle? Whatever floats your boat. Definitely don’t waste any green space on burying me. And don’t spend a cent more than necessary on casket or other funeral trappings.

Somewhat contradictorily, tho, I have not agreed to whole body donation. Take my lenses, organs, whatever. Grind me up for dog food or fertilizer. But for some reason I don’t want my whole body preseved. Irrational, I admit.

I hope there would be a hell of a party, where someone would be able to say something nice about me. Or at least acknowledge that something was “different” than it would otherwise have been as a consequence of my existence.

#4

In the tradition of my family, I’m going to be cremated & put into an urn, which will then be placed on top of the TV. This all started when my older sister was killed in a car wreck, 18 years ago. She was cremated, but the local graveyard had no room in the mausoleum for another urn. They were building another mausoleum, and offered to call us when it was done. My mother kept the urn at home, on top of the TV, and by the time the mausoleum guys called my mother was used to the it and didn’t want to give it up. It’s been in my parent’s house ever since, moving from TV to shelf to bookcase and back to the TV.

When my grandfather died, my grandmother did the same thing. So now we have 2 urns in the family, both enshrined upon their respective televisions.

I have this picture in my head of my entire family getting cremated and ending up on the TV. Eventually, my great-great-grandkids will end up with twenty or thirty urns, and by then they’ll all have flat screen TV’s that hang on the wall so they’ll be no place to put them. I plan on having my will written up so that something dire will happen if they (gasp) put the urns in a mausoleum or some such appropriate place - I want 'em in the house, preferably atop some entertainment device.

#5

Hey Athena! If enough of my relatives kick, will I have an excuse to get that wide screen home theater system?

#6

My ideal scenario for disposing of the corporeal me after death would be to have my body fed to the lions and tigers at the local zoo. For some reason, I find it very satisfying to think that I could be part of the food chain in this dramatic way. If that doesn’t fly with the zoo people, then I like the more traditional being eaten by worms ending. I keep meaning to find out if embalming is required in the state where I live, because the idea of embalming is sort of repulsive to me. I would prefer to rot naturally.

I would never be cremated. Well, I would never want to be cremated, but I realize at that point I have little control over the matter, so I just hope that people respect my wishes on that one. I had a bad experience in a crematorium as a young teenager.

#7

In an old-west-style pine box. :smiley:

#8

Ok, I wanna be cremated, and put into a cardboard box which would then be buried in a place I hold dear to me with a small marker or plaque over the site. I don’t exactly feel like dealing with necrophiliacs in the afterlife. :smiley:

#9

ahh, so many way to deal with the corpse.

duck duck goose, see if there are any hindi associations in your area. they have funeral pyres and may have some info.

crankyasanoldman, i knew a man who was buried in his pajamas, robe, and slippers. everyone at the funeral said he looked so comfortable. he was also buried in his favourite tree. he had to have the tree cut down due to damage, and decided to have it hollowed out for his coffin. perhaps you have a fav. tree? also if you are buried within 24 hrs there is no need for preservatives, they may even let you go longer if you are kept refrigerated.

personally, i’m with the cremation crowd. quick, fast, and no embalming. with today’s on-the-move family you can keep up with them where ever they go. no need for cemetary upkeep.

i was briefly interested in the body farm. a place in tenn. that does exp. with bodies to help in solving murders. my phobia about bugs stopped that idea right quick.

i think it is great that you are updating your wills, so many people just put it off. don’t forget to name guardians, and have a “gok” file with info on alleries, medications, and a brief medical history on each family member. the “gok” file is esp. handy when there are unexpected er incidents.

#10

Ah, good idea–this reminds me, our local med school needs cadavers. They mostly get old guys, and having a younger body would be a good thing. They treat them very respectfully, and at the end of the year the entire med school attends a memorial service honoring all the cadavers and their families. My med school friend said it’s incredibly moving.

Still, the idea of them slicing me up is, well, disconcerting.

#11

This is what hubby and I will be doing when the time comes. We’ll donate whatever can be used, and give to med schools whatever’s left.

–tygre

#12

I want to be taken to a taxidermist and stuffed. I always told my ex that and he said he would have me made into a lamp. I figured that way if he brought home some cute young thing to replace me, I could just fall on her and she’d go running :wink:

When my dad passed away, his wishes were that he be cremated and his ashes put into my brother’s grave. Easier said than done. The cemetary/funeral home gave us a hassle but we finally got our way. My brother’s headstone is a stand up one so we had a beautiful marble base built with dad’s name on it.

The cute part is that on Remembrance Day, the cemetaries put Canadian flags on the graves of Veterans. The first year you have to call and request it and the cemetary workers were confused when I said that my dad’s grave is in the children’s section. They finally checked it out and sure enough the Canadian Flag waves in the wind on Remembrance Day on his grave.

#13

Ideally, I want a good friend to steal my body and bury me naked.

Failing that, I want my body donated to science or something similar.

And my absolute last resort would be cremation. And I don’t want to sit around in some damn urn, either. Dump me out in a forest or something.

#14

I really want to be a skeleton in a high school or college science class. You get dressed up in cool outfits all the time, get to go to all the parties, hang out with good looking medical students…

Failing that, I’ve heard of a place that will take your ashes and make ceramics out of them. I can see myself spending eternity as an ice cream bowl. I told my husband that, because he’s such a big guy, I can probably get a beer stein and an ice cream bowl out of him. I really like the idea of us being handed down as a set of heirlooms, too.

#15

Do I Have the Body Disposal Plan just for you!

From Reader’s Digest ( and, I think Outside Magazine as well. I saved copies of the article from one, but cannot locate them at the moment.) In the ancient kingdom of Mustang ( Nepal or Mongolia, I think it’s the latter.)Very few outsiders have ever been there because it is so remote.

After you die, the monks take your naked body and wrap it up in linen and take you out to a field. The area of the town just before the field is decorated with little triangular flags that resemble the used car lot ones, only no color.

The monks unwrap your body and go over to a spot and blow on long “ricola” like horns for a bit summonsing…you guessed it, vultures, who then come down and have an all you can eat buffet on what remains of you, then fly off.

The thought is that when the vultures fly off, they carry your spirit to the heavans. The triangular flags have written on them prayers of the locals and when the vultures depart, they carry the prayers too.

I don’t remember what is done with the bones, however.

I *really * wanted to do this for my funereal for the longest while and shared it with my husband. His comment was, “By the time I get your body to Outer Podunk, even the Vultures wouldn’t have you. How about if I just chuck you out the back door and see if the pidgeons will do the job.”
It just doesn’t seem as mystical using pidgeons.

#16

Shirl, if you need my OFFICIAL name, let me know. “I leave to “PunditLisa” all my Unca Cecil books…” MAY work, but some idiot may come by and claim SHE is the real PunditLisa. It’s best to be precise.

I guess I’ll be buried in the Catholic tradition. Though I wouldn’t mind having 6 strapping Welsh colorguards (in uniform, of course) to carry my casket a la Princess Di.

#17

lucretia, i can just hear the comments around the house with “relative dishware.”

“now, john put the mashed potatoes in aunt cora.”

“mary put the cheese and crakers on uncle harry.”

do you happen to remember the name of the company? i can’t wait to torture my cousin john with the new uses for his ashes. he didn’t seem to appreciate the kitty litter joke.

#18

Pundit, nice try, but I’m splitting everything between the Flatearth Society and Millard Fillmore Society. :slight_smile:

Turning ashes into serving dishes…be still my heart.

How totally cool and twisted is that?

I must have a link!

#19

Shirley, I don’t know where you live, but in California I’m pretty damn sure they won’t like the funeral pyre idea.

  1. Burning flesh stinks.
  2. Smoke from burning body is probably toxic by state
    standards.
  3. Hi Opal!
  4. An open fire won’t be hot enough,long enough to consume
    your whole body. Maybe if you kept it burning for
    several days (ok, SOMEONE would have to…)it might work.
    Otherwise, what will you do with the rest?
  5. Many jursidictions want to know what you are going to do
    with the body. I mean, if your husband shows up with the
    pick up and wants to slide you into the back, people WILL
    ask questions!
  6. Have someone invite me, OK?
#20

I think it’s pretty cool, too, and a great method for picking a second husband if my beloved Bluesman should go before me. Any man not willing to sit down and have a beer with my late husband would be instantly disqualified.

rocking chair, I wish I knew the name, or had a link, but I only remember hearing about it from a friend a few years ago. I’ve never attempted a search, though, so it might be out there.