Sorry, it’s not that kind of story, but as long as I got you here with that detail, let me milk it a little. This was world-class cleavage.: she was in her twenties, her neckline rivaled anything I’ve seen outside of a stripclub, and she had HUUUUUGE tits in a comically extreme pushup bra. I’m talking like 48DD, or something on that order. It was almost silly. Every heterosexual guy in the car took one look at her and had a single thought: “Motorboat.”
She was also the most obnoxious person I’ve encountered on the J train this month (I hate travelling on the J, except I usually get a good story every few weeks.) She was the mother of a 2-year-old girl who she has with her, and a stroller, on the train. This was rush hour, two people standing for everyone sitting, and when she barged on, she asked the guy next to me if he would join the standers so her little girl could sit.
Somewhat surprisingly, the guy got up meekly, and the little girl sat down. She was two, so she didn’t know how to behave on a public conveyance—she started kicking the person on the other side of her, and after a few stops he got off the train too. The mother took his seat. The little girl then stood up, ran around the car a little bit, vacating her seat, which no one took because that would cause a scene when the little girl returned and the mother asked the person (as we all understood she would) to give up the seat for the little girl again.
So this kid is running around the subway car, sitting in people’s laps, kicking them, running into them, having a grand time, and her gargantuan-titted mother is -–yakking on her cell phone, not paying the slightest mind to her little girl, and now I’ve managed to move over, so the mother is sitting with about three empty seats between her and me, and people are still standing in the car.
This continues for quite a while, and we’re all looking at each other. I can’t tell you how rare it is for a seat that hasn’t been peed on to stay vacant for more than 3 seconds on the J train at rush hour, but none of my fellow passengers wants to get into an argument with this colossal waste of DNA, still making social calls on her cell while her child rampages the length of the subway car, finally returning to her seat (and the two empty seats on either side of her). She is (I haven’t mentioned) singing some incomprehensible song at the top of her lungs the whole while, with nary a “SHhhh, honey” from the mom.
The child decides to lay herself down flat on the subway seats, now literally occupying all three spaces, and begins to kick me. I move down another few inches, and she follows me down the bench, still kicking me. People in the subway are smiling at me, sympathetically, as if to say “Hey, what are you going to do?” I actually am amazed at people’s restraint, and am somewhat astonished at mine, because New Yorkers aren’t exactly known for their good manners and their tolerance, me least of all. But we’re all giving the mother dirty looks, which she is ignoring masterfully as she jabbers into her cell phone, narrating her trip in such a way that she seems genuinely clueless how reviled she is on this subway car: “Oh, we just left Myrtle Avenue, how many stops until we get to you? That long? Oh, dear, this is a crowded subway, and it’s very boring. We’re going local, I think. OHHH—“ as her little girl gets up, and runs fullspeed into a subway pole, and bounces flat on her face. Does the mother help her little girl? No, she continues narrating, as the child wails and shrieks, as strangers picks her up and return her to her seat, “she just fell down, she’s a very bad girl, no, that’s her, crying. SHUT UP, SHUT UP, oh, she won’t stop crying, she needs a nap, no, I don’t know what stop we’re coming into now, let me look….” And on and on, as the child pitches a fit.
My question is: does cleavage cause obnoxiousness, or does obnoxiousness cause cleavage? World-class, in both categories.
