At the pub yesterday evening, a bunch of us got into a discussion about words for cattle. Although the question of a general term for a single cattle-type animal didn’t come up* (see page 100 of Return of the Straight Dope; the search engine can’t find it), we were left with another question: what exactly is a ‘prairie oyster’?
The first guess was ‘a lump of cow-droppings’, but that didn’t seem right. Another guess was ‘the testicles removed from a newly-castrated, uh, steer’. (I think). Yet another guess was ‘a cow’s vagina’, but that was a little out there.
So… what’s the Straight Dope?
*We had no problem with the names of cattle in Esperanto…
generic name of the animal: bovo.
calf: bovido. According to Merriam-Webster Online, “the young of the domestic cow”.
cow: bovino. “The mature female of cattle, genus Bos”. Also, “a domestic bovine animal regardless of sex or age”.
bull: virbovo. “a male bovine, especially an adult uncastrated male”.
steer: eksvirbovo. “a young male animal castrated before sexual maurity. Compare stag, a male animal castrated after maturity”, also, a man “who attends a dance or party without a companion”. Sigh.
heifer: juna virbovo. “a young cow; especially one that has not had a calf”
Slight hijack, but this gives me the opportunity to share a joke I like:
Guy goes to Mexico and while there visits a restaurant. He sees “prairie oysters” on the menu and asks about them. The waiter confirms that they are, indeed, testicles. “However, senor, people who try them here really like them. I recommend them. There’s a bullfighting ring next door, so ours are always fresh.” The guy figures “what the hell” and orders them. He’s surprised by their size when the dish arrives, and is amazed to discover he likes the taste – they’re juicy and tender.
He goes back the next day to eat prairie oysters again. This time, though, he hates them – they’re small, and tough, and gristley. He calls the waiter over to complain. The waiter shrugs. “But, senor, the bull does not always lose.”
There’s a restaurant/bar here that specializes in “cowboy cuisine” (and also has the biggest best beer selection in town). Every year they have a “testicle festival” and serve up prairie oysters. They have t-shirts and advertising that say things like “I had a ball at…” or “go nuts at…” One of the festival menu items is “mixed nuts” which is beef testicles chopped up and fried with walnuts.
While WE are branding and castrating, we just throw the balls right on the fire used to heat the branding irons and eat them grilled with a bit of salt right there…no batter, no other seasoning…we’ve always called them Rocky Mountain Oysters.
You can also get pork fries in the midwest. I ordered them one time not sure of what they were. As soon as I ate one I knew exactly what they were having had Rocky Mountain Oysters before. I didn’t really like them but I ate them all anyway. Then just for fun when the waitress came by to see if we wanted desert I asked her, “So what are pig fries anyway?” She stammered and was very reluctant to tell me. After a few awkward seconds I let her know what that I knew what they were. She was relieved that she didn’t have to explain. Good fun.