I am wondering if this board would be as divided as my friends and family… Why am I asking a question in the pit? Well, my mother, the glorious Coleen, is the most selfish, soul destroying succubus that I have experienced this side of Norman Bates’ mother.
Over the 27 or my 29 years I had anything to do with her she: kicked me out of my Grandmother’s house to live on the streets for three months when I came out of the closet at 18, between 13-15 beat me when I disagreed with her which lead to me living with my Grandmother, engaged in verbal abose when she wasn’t trying to hit me.
In adulthood she has attempted to control my life by telling me what to do, criticizing me for what I do, ignoring any concept that I might be dating and trying to convert me to heterosexuality, and demanding my time when I need to focus on school work.
It gets better. So, she denies any of this happened in my childhood and claims I am either making it up or over dramatizing. Even though she and the family agree that I do have a photogenic memory.
So, I chose to cut her off after her post Xmas rant of 1998.
I told her: no contact of any sort. No phone calls, no e-mail, no ICQ, no showing up spontaneously at my home… nothing. My grandmother(her mother) and aunt(her sister) have tried to get me to talk to her. They think family unity is more important than my sanity.
Is family unity more important than the sanity and health of one member?
Nope. I rarely talk to my mom and never talk to my dad (for various reasons) and haven’t for the past couple years, and I’m happier and more well-adjusted than I’ve ever been. Better than therapy, and cheaper, too (especially without the added gifts to buy at Xmas/birthdays).
I don’t really know the whole story from what you’ve said here, although it does put your mother in a very bad light. I don’t want to pass judgment on you or her, so I will simply ask you a question in return:
If something happens to her, do you honestly believe you will have no regrets about cutting her out of your life?
Two years is a long time for someone to chill out. Maybe she understands now that you’re serious about being tired of her shit and that you will not stand for it. Maybe she will treat you better knowing full well she may lose you again once and for all.
However, if you are truly happier (which you seem to be) without her in your life and have no regrets, then don’t subject yourself to any more of her abuse. If your health and sanity are truly at stake, then no, the family unity is not more important. Parents get divorced for lesser reason than those and never speak to each other again. Just because you share the same bloodline does not mean you should have to suffer.
It would be nice if you could have both.
Don’t rule out therapy as a way to try to grasp sanity. I’ve dabbled with it myself (in group formats) and I’d be the first one to admit that I could use some in depth work. I get along well with my parents so I don’t have a frame of reference to address your situation, Hastur (my theraputic problems don’t revolve around my family), but isn’t there a part of you that wishes you could accept your parents and vice versa.
In short, I guess, make sure you got your head on straight (no pun intended), then maybe think about if/how you might like to reconnect with your family.
Disclaimer: The above represents my WAG as it applies to sanity. I’m no expert, but I do have a respect for family, so I guess that’s bleeding through.
I was married a month ago. She chose to send the first card in two years on the weekend before my wedding which said I Miss You and Love You. This was prompted by her therapist who felt she should countermand my wishes because I’d be over it by now. I doubt she has been honest with him about what she has done.
She would not be good to my husband. As she has morphed from being a liberal feminist democrat into being a fundamentalist christian republican, she is intolerant of the fact that I am gay, and she is far from happy that I married my husband in a pagan handfasting.
Her pattern is that she is nice when you don’t want to deal with her and then after you are reeled in, she starts being abusive again. She’s never stopped being abusive…
we have no contact with my husband’s father and his wife. She’s a psychotic child abusing bitch who WILL NOT come into contact with my kids. She’s evil.
And he’s not much better. He didn’t come to the funeral of our dead baby as he didn’t see why we were having a funeral.
These two people are out of our lives permanently. There’s nothing they could do which would make it OK for them to return. I believe by allowing contact they would just resume their abuse. Sure there’s some sadness about it - it would be nicer to have a functional family. But the truth is they had 40 years to sort it out and they didn’t.
I think it is possible to forgive and make peace within yourself and still not allow close contact.
I cut a couple family members out of my life several years ago for excellent reasons, which I still do not regret even though one has since died. One of the life-altering epiphanies I had in my twenties was that I was not obliged to love or even like all the members of my family simply because of an accidental relationship. Some people are poison to you, and you have every right to remove them from your world, especially when you know they will try to damage your marriage. I’d cut out my entire family if they wanted to harm my mine.
If you are still of the same mind two years later, you are right to keep her away. If you were going to have any regrets you’d have some hint of it by now. She worked that hard to kill off any affection you may have had, she’s got to work at least that hard to get any of it back.
Right now I’m in the process of cutting my parents out, and I couldn’t be happier. Of course, my mother refuses to let go. She’s called up my friends to get my phone number when I refused to give it to her, and while I was house sitting/packing my things, I found a receipt from the pizza place I worked at until three days ago. Apparently she ordered one in the hopes that I would be the delivery boy. She doesn’t seem to realize that
A. She has no intrinsic right to have me in her life.
B. That “mothers love their children” (as she always says) doesn’t give her the right to meddle in my life.
Wow, that felt better than last week’s therapy session.
I have no frame of reference either, since I get along decently with all my relatives.
I don’t think you have to have contact with someone who causes you so much pain, mother or not.
However, IF it will help your grandmother and aunt, maybe you could muster up some vague politeness to your mom, in a very controlled and limited environment. Like, you see her for half an hour, say “Hi, how are you”, talk about the weather, and then LEAVE. No other contact, only unless it is prearranged and agreed upon. Sounds stilted, and it is. But if that would make your aunt and grandmother feel better, maybe you could consider that? It is just an idea. But if the pain you would feel by seeing your mother (even under such controlled circumstances) would be more than the pain your other relatives feel by you completely severing ties, then hell no. Don’t see your mom, no matter how much your family urges you to.
I say write her off and don’t look back. Especially given your age and the fact that you’re married. Do what you have to do.
Apologize to your grandmother and aunt and assure them of your love for them, but point out to them that you’re an adult and you’re in a committed relationship. You have family responsibilities of your own now. If there’s even a chance that your mother might revert to her abusive ways, then you have a responsibility to stand up for yourself, your husband, and your commitment to each other, even if it means cutting your mother off. This responsibility far outweighs any duty to maintain a facade of “family unity.”
Also, I think it can be very healthy to get a little real distance from an abusive family member. Especially if you still need some time to heal yourself and get past the old injuries. Cut off her access to you, work through the old injuries, and try to get beyond it to the point where her opinion ceases to matter to you any more.
In the meantime, by all means, stand up for what’s important in your life. I believe that you absolutely should refuse to make a place in your life for anyone who would show contempt for you, your husband, or your commitment together.
And yes, I’ve written off a parent. It’s a long story, but I have no doubt whatsoever that I’m a whole lot saner, healthier, and happier than my brothers and sisters who keep going back for more.
BULLSHIT! That’s the one Oprah, feel good book like that makes me insane. They don’t all do their best. Some are nasty, abusive sub-humans. Just because they gave birth to you does not give them automatic rights in your life. End of story.
No, it’s not more important. Move on, don’t look back, and get some therapy so your own self-esteem doesn’t suffer from her abuse. Let her live with the consequences of her actions, which is a life minus one son.
It’s making me sad to read this thread because I have also stopped speaking to my parents. My dad is a verbally abusive alcoholic and my mom supports him no matter what. I have had years of therapy to deal with how much they fucked up my life. Finally I realized that I do not have to keep the family together anymore. It hurts a lot to not have a family, especially during the holidays, but it’s better than the alternative. My two older sisters don’t talk to my parents anymore either. I am glad to know that there are others who understand what it’s like. A lot of people don’t understand.
One of my sisters has two kids and I see her showing the same behavior as my father (but without the drinking). It scares me to death to think that these girls will grow up just as screwed up as we did. I am fairly certain that I will never have children of my own. It’s just sad.
I’m also one of the posters here who has had a difficult time with my parents. My story’s a little different, though. I cut off all contact with my Mom for about 12 or 13 years. There were a lot of reasons…I pretty much though she was a psychotic bitch as well.
Eventually, things got better. Time heals all wounds? I dunno. I came to see that she hadn’t had an easy life, either. No matter how she pretended otherwise, my decision really hurt her. We played a long and complicated game of “who’s to blame”, but I guess we both were.
I wouldn’t change it. I did what was right for me then, and if I hadn’t, I doubt we could have ever really been able to restablish contact. I changed, but she changed too…
In the end, I guess I just forgave her. Anyway, we have much better contact now, and it’s on a level that both of us can accept. So, if I was to give advice, which is seldom a wise thing to do, I’d say do what feels right to you and stick to it. Above all, don’t compromise your integrity, cause you need it. She sounds like a bad mom, man, and it sounds like you need to protect yourself from her.
A lot of posters have said it better than I could, but here’s my input anyway.
“Family unity” is a hollow facade if it depends on someone being abused. True fact: we don’t choose our blood families, and some of them can be toxic, damaging abusers. The blood tie doesn’t justify anything of the sort.
The carefully controlled meeting is a great suggestion, if you choose to try one more time. But perhaps you should precede it with a written statement to all parties beforehand. Lay out the ground rules for any future interactions: no abuse, courtesy to you and your husband, no preaching, accept you as you are or no dice.
I have very few family still living, and I’m fabulously blessed in my sister. But that’s blood family. But “family of the heart”, friends we choose, can be true family, too.
No one has a right to attack and abuse another person. Until and if your mother agrees to change how she treats you, there is no tie worth preserving. I’m just glad you have a loving husband, and friends–here and elsewhere–who accept you as you are.
I’m not going to echo, “me too” here, personally, I think you should continue to keep her out of your life… but.
From the above, she is at least making some attempt – regardless of how feeble the attempt may be – to get in touch with you. I would respond to the card (in writing so she doesn’t have the opportunity to verbally manipulate you) but make it very clear that you have not changed your mind, re-state the reasons you don’t want to see her, and tell her what you want/expect from her. “If you can’t respect me for who I am and respect my relationship, then you have no business in my life. When you can show us respect, we will talk to you.” (Or whatever it is you want from her.) In short, give her the opportunity to reform and change herself, which she will probably not do, but at least there’s no ambiguity – everyone knows what the rules are.
I think this is the higher moral ground for you: you’re laying down the ground rules and not compromising being true to yourself. Leaves the ball in her court, with no one to blame but herself for her own inadequacy and lonliness. You also satisfy your grandmother and your aunt that you’ve at least responded, but choose to stand your ground on the decision you made not to spend time, energy or effort on a defective parental unit.
Damn. TVeblen just said the same thing. Oh, what the hell…
Hastur , what then do you mean by a photogenic memory? I think a photogenic memory would be different to a photographic memory but I am damned if I can think of WTF a photogenic memory would be. Other than aesthetically pleasing
