So what is the mythical healthy relationship?

[Rachellelogram]

@WhyNot

Co-dependent doesn’t mean asking for validation from others. Co-dependent means being excessively nurturing and/or passive towards other adults who don’t require it, to an extent that it adversely affects one’s own quality of life. People can be confident in themselves and their decisions and be co-dependent.

You can be co-dependent AND seek the input of unqualified people, but the one is not a sign of the other.

Interesting. I always assumed they were part of the same condition, but doing some googling shows that although they CAN be co-morbid, they don’t have to be. Ign’ance fought, yo. Thanks

[Spice_Weasel]

I don’t know how this happened for me, but my husband and I get along fantastically well. I’m still amazed that I found him, and it’s been 10 years. Maybe that’s because healthy relationships come naturally to both of us (we’ve seen the alternative, and it’s not pretty.)

I think part of it is guarding it with your life. I’m not a religious person, but if I hold anything sacred its my marriage. If you learn to recognize the signs early, you can prevent a minor problem from becoming a disastrous one. But you both have to be willing to change.

I also think people often try to make things work when they just aren’t compatible. Having similar values, political orientations, financial goals and even recreational interests can be incredibly helpful. I have seen a lot of trouble in relationships where people don’t have these things in common, and every day becomes some kind of challenge.

I have always found it relatively easy and stress-free to live with my husband, and maybe that’s just lucky. But I have to believe the kind of person you choose has a lot to do with it.

[raspberry_hunter]

Someone I know well went through two unhealthy relationships before finding the healthy one (to whom she got married and is still married today). I also went through two (admittedly less unhealthy from the outside, but still unhealthy) unhealthy ones before finding my healthy one. The difference in both cases has been that we can be ourselves with our partners, and our partners actually inspire us to be better people. With the unhealthy ones, we were either mooshed into a role that wasn’t really us, or became worse people, or both.

[billfish678]

@rachelellogram

Not really. People who are confident in their own actions and opinions don’t need to ask for the input of unqualified strangers. People who are co-dependent and indecisive do..

Oh please. You know who else never asks another person’s opinion about something? An arrogant ass who is wrong as hell and too dumb to even contemplate the possibility they might be so. And you know who some of the smartest people are? Folks who realize they might not know everything and that even a random internet idiot might actually throw out a good idea or point they would have never thought of every now and then.

:dubious:

IME there is a rather poor correlation between confident and right. Hell it might even be a negative correlation.

[Zsofia]

@WhyNot

At the risk of being accused of projecting, this is where I was in my (unhealthy) marriage. I had no idea that it was so toxic, because I’d gone numb years ago. Partly because of stuff like this:

(not picking on you, dear, it’s said by a lot of people without qualifiers)

I heard that and thought that the “work” of my marriage was just how relationships are. I guess I’d never had a “healthy” relationship to compare it to. Turns out that the “work” of a healthy relationship isn’t the same as, nor nearly as consuming as, the “work” of an unhealthy relationship.

Now, I do “work” on my relationship like realizing that I forgot to mention to my SO that I have plans this weekend and that was stupid, but when I tell him, he says, “Oh. So I’ll take the kids fishing and you’ll join us when you’re done.”

Then, I did “work” on the relationship like realizing that I forgot to mention to my ex that I have plans this weekend and bracing myself for the storm, sending my son to sleep over at a friend’s house so he’d be “out of the way” and creating cover stories and pretending I’d gotten a last minute job and calling up thirteen babysitters on last minute notice 'cause Og forbid he spend unplanned time with his own child.

But until you have a healthy relationship, you don’t realize that all that stuff is ridiculous and NOT what healthy people mean when they say a relationship takes “work”.

Word. (Again, at least, yes, for me.) Many people spend a lot of time in relationships carefully NOT seeing the red flags. By the time they can no longer ignore/rationalize/deny the red flags, there’s probably so much more fuckedupedness in the relationship that they AREN’T posting, it’s probably not worth maintaining.

Man, when you’re right you’re right.

[Dangerosa]

@WhyNot

At the risk of being accused of projecting, this is where I was in my (unhealthy) marriage. I had no idea that it was so toxic, because I’d gone numb years ago. Partly because of stuff like this:

(not picking on you, dear, it’s said by a lot of people without qualifiers)

I heard that and thought that the “work” of my marriage was just how relationships are. I guess I’d never had a “healthy” relationship to compare it to. Turns out that the “work” of a healthy relationship isn’t the same as, nor nearly as consuming as, the “work” of an unhealthy relationship.

Now, I do “work” on my relationship like realizing that I forgot to mention to my SO that I have plans this weekend and that was stupid, but when I tell him, he says, “Oh. So I’ll take the kids fishing and you’ll join us when you’re done.”

Then, I did “work” on the relationship like realizing that I forgot to mention to my ex that I have plans this weekend and bracing myself for the storm, sending my son to sleep over at a friend’s house so he’d be “out of the way” and creating cover stories and pretending I’d gotten a last minute job and calling up thirteen babysitters on last minute notice 'cause Og forbid he spend unplanned time with his own child.

But until you have a healthy relationship, you don’t realize that all that stuff is ridiculous and NOT what healthy people mean when they say a relationship takes “work”.

Word. (Again, at least, yes, for me.) Many people spend a lot of time in relationships carefully NOT seeing the red flags. By the time they can no longer ignore/rationalize/deny the red flags, there’s probably so much more fuckedupedness in the relationship that they AREN’T posting, it’s probably not worth maintaining.

Your memory would be better than mine on the topic, but although a lot of us saw some unhealthy stuff in your previous marriage, I don’t remember a ton of “dump him!s.” (A few, not a ton) Because you weren’t complaining about it and because it was a marriage involving a young child.

There is a big difference between “I’ve been seeing this guy for two months and he gets cranky if I make any plans that don’t involve him.” And “I’ve been married for ten years and have a six year old and a two year old and my spouse is cranky because the house isn’t clean.” The first is "you don’t have much invested in this and that rings creepy, and you are posting about it on a message board…do you want us to say “see it through?” The second is “yeah, that happens with a couple of little kids, try and help out more, give the kids little jobs, and remember that this will pass as the kids get older.”

As to a healthy relationship - you get enough space to be individuals while being able to act well as a couple. You have mutual respect and share mutual responsibility. You recognize that not every moment - or even ever period - is going to be perfection, and you try not to betray the trust of the relationship by posting on an internet message board when it isn’t perfect, unless its a “things your partner does that drive you crazy” thread and its “not putting new toilet paper onto the roller.”