By most standards, I am a grown up. I am a professional. I have my own practice. Investments. Putting a down payment on a house. Professional standing. I give advise on Serious Grown Up Issues to grown ups. Vote. Involved in community.
But I don’t feel like what a grown up is supposed to feel like. I don’t feel any different from my teenage years. Still occasionally day dream about being an astronaut or winning the World Cup. Waste time on Star Wars/Trek, Nat Geo Channel. Nearly killed my self in Karting the other day.
Uh… Never? As long as you’re meeting your responsibilities you’re as grown up as you need to be.
Running home to mommy to fix all your problems is childish
Thinking you don’t have to work because some Prince Charming will sweep you away is childish
Driving a go-kart in your spare time with your own damn money is perfectly adultish.
I think I was in my late 20’s when I realized my clients were looking at me like I was an expert in my field. Then I realized I actually was an expert in my field. It kind of snowballed from there, and now I do feel like a grown up, which to me means:
[ul]
[li]I feel like I generally understand what is going on in my life[/li][li]I no longer feel like an impostor in the “grown up” world who is going to be found out some day[/li][li]I have a certain amount of financial security, so I’m not always wondering how to may my bills [/li][/ul]
I’m 33 and have a nearly 3 year old kid, so it’s about damn time.
Very similar to this. I know a lot of people that will say “never!” as way to mean “keep a fresh perspective on life and don’t act old.” Being adult doesn’t mean you have to act old or even have everything perfectly together (who does?).
I take the question literally. I would say people start feeling “grown up” when they expect to be treated and respected like an adult. When I was in college, I expected to be seen/understood as a college student. When I started my first “real job” I did not really expect the other adults to treat me as their peers. I was still young, learning, and frankly, a bit scared.
Now I am 32, have a house, a wife, and kids and have gained confidence in the work world. I expect people to treat me as an adult. I “feel grown up” because if I were to receive less respect that other adults receive, I would be upset. I would not have been that way at 25.
I can really relate to what you’re saying. The way I put it is that I do a very convincing impression of being a fully responsible adult. I say and do all the right things to put this across.
But inside, where it counts, I’m still in my early 20s. My conduit to this feeling is music. I’ve been playing guitar and singing in bands for decades now, and when I strap mine on and step up to the mic, the years melt away. I still genuinely feel the emotions of the songs I sing and play in the same way I did when they were contemporary — which in many cases is 50 or more years ago.
This works for my other passions in life. I still pursue them in the same way I always have, and they still excite me in the same way they did when I first latched onto them.
What you’re “supposed to feel like” is something that you should define for yourself. The hell with what anyone else thinks or says about it.
I’m right on the cusp of this life stage (just turned 30) and it feels great. I recently came to a realization, like yours, that I have a lot of skills now. I’m not completely different than the girl who went away to college at 18, but I was incredibly inexperienced, naive, and unconfident back then. I called my mom for financial advice. I asked friends for personal advice. I had never had a full-time job. I didn’t know how insurance, investments, or general finances really worked. I didn’t know how to be a good partner (although I craved a relationship). I had a serious case of impostor syndrome.
I have moved way past the uncertainty stage, thank freakin’ god. But I still spend plenty of time playing computer games. And sometimes I eat junk food for dinner, because I can.
I am a grown up because
[ul][li]I can have all the candy I want. Unfortunately, I don’t want all that much candy anymore.[/li][li]I can stay up as late as I want. Unfortunately, I doze off in my chair after 9pm or so.[/li][li]People at work ask me questions as if I knew what was going on. Fortunately, any old answer will do if you say it confidently because nobody else knows the real answer anyway.[/li][li]And I don’t have to make the bed or eat tuna casserole if I don’t wanna. [/ul][/li]Regards,
Shodan
I felt grown up as soon as I started teaching, because it became very clear that while I didn’t feel like I was the same sort of person as my mom, I certainly wasn’t the same sort of person as a teenager, either.
And I always wanted to be a grown up. I like being an adult, like being taken seriously.
There are definitely ways in which I am different – I am more mature in figuring out what people are all about, and how to relate to them. I know I can probably figure out solutions to problems. I can live on my own and I have a retirement account and some savings.
But like the OP, I still feel like a kid inside. The most embarrassing part is feeling like that kid and getting butterflies around boys I think are cute, and then remembering that they are seeing a middle-age lump and not the me I feel like in my head.
I think part of it is not having had kids. That’s got to make you feel older since it’s such a responsibility. And I have had a succession of jobs but am still not sure of my true vocation and lifetime commitment to a kind of life.
I still don’t feel like a grownup, but there was a specific thing where I realized I had no one to run to for help and at least one life depended on my actions. That was the first time I felt like an adult.
I am 65 and still entertain the thought about maturity. When I compare myself to my father and his peers and other men I knew from that era it seemed they had a more mature precense about them. Looking back on it I think they may have just accepted thier place in life and given up on anything dramatic changing. I have often been complimented on my maturity when it came to handling things but I also know I am very immature when it comes to viewing myself and what I plan on doing. I am only saying immature based on what is commonly thought of as mature. I like the way I think!
When a close friend discovered I read Harry Potter, he decided I had a mental age of 8. “Twelve”, I corrected him.
There was a famous Russian mathematician (I think it was I M Gelfand) who, when he met another mathematician assigned him a mental age. Any decent mathematician had a mental age below 20. I think he had it right.
I feel grown up whenever I carry out an important matter without totally screwing up and needing rescue. Like traveling halfway across the country without losing my wallet or my hotel key. I also feel mature when I can handle a minor crisis (flat tire, clogged toilet, sick cat) without crying.
Otherwise, I feel very much like a kid. Eh, I can wash the dishes tomorrow. Yeah, I just add pizza for the third time this week. And on Saturday, I will be sleeping in as late as I want. And staying up as late as I want.
The only way in which I feel adult that makes me feel different from my teenage years is to look at my achievements and degree of independence. Degree, certification, home, marriage, career, etc. have all been accomplished. Furthermore, there’s no safety net; if I screw it all up, I’m really and truly screwed.
As a teenager, I had some accomplishments, but they’re kind of “practice accomplishments” - doing well in a competition, getting a good grade, etc. They don’t generally change your life in a long-term way and failure has relatively small consequences. I was still mostly dependent on other people. Over time, I became less dependent on others and accumulated more real accomplishments. There’s point at which a sign pops out saying “Congrats, you’re an adult!” because it’s a gradual slope.
As a kid, I sometimes had the idea that adults were fundamentally different from me, but the older I get, the more I realize that’s not so true. If there’s any true difference it’s that adults don’t “free play” the way kids do; when adults play, there’s still some kind of “purpose” to it. An adult will never just crawl into a cardboard box and pretend it’s a pirate ship.
I felt grown up when I stopped questioning myself all the time, just went with it. Maybe because “it” had worked before. But inside I think we age in dog years, maybe turtle years. Pinball is interesting just like politics. We still hope we’ll get picked…for whatever. Often, when old people act silly, people say they’re in their second childhoods, but I think they’re still finishing up their first.
