My friend is going through a typical nasty divorce. Moneykidsmoneykidsmoneykids…bleh. IMHO they both are making their lives difficult while their lawyers are getting real happy. Anywho…
My friend has a new woman in his life. They were old work buddies and after the separation, he hooked up with her and it has gotten serious. He gets the kids every-other-weekend, and they stay at a small summer house out in the country. Today we were planning a trip to visit them for a weekend to get our kids together, but ran into a problem. “We won’t have enough beds. Me and the kids share the main bedroom, and new woman sleeps next door, so only the couch…”
“Wha-huh? new woman sleeps next door? Why?”
“Because the kids shouldn’t see her sleeping in the same room as me.”
“Why?”
“Because, it would be too shocking.”
“Oh.”
His oldest is 5, the youngest 1.2. I hadn’t ever thought about things like that. Adults do what adults do and the kids get told to deal with it.
What was your experience like in this situation (either as adult or child)?
By age 5, I’d seen dogs doing it. I’d seen cows doing it (with bulls, eh, can’t remember cows doing it with each other). I’d seen donkeys and horses doing it.
But I had no idea that the fact that my parents shared a bedroom was in any way related to my existence.
Heck, I’d shared the bedroom and even the bed with cousins and friends a zillion times and the only thing to come out of it was a lot of hushed chat, some giggling, and the occasional bout of waking up because the blanket’s gone.
I’d understand it if it was somehow a weapon for the divorce proceedings, but for the kids? Nah…
While I don’t think that kids generally find it shocking, as such, I do think it is important that your friend establishes his relationship with the lady friend firmly before the kids are involved at all, especially seeing her come out of the bedroom.
If this ends up being a short-term fling, and then he has another and another afterwards, it is terribly confusing for the kids who also have to ‘make’ and then break relationships with the women too.
My philosophy has always been that, while the kids can be introduced to the new partner, they only ever see Dad and she as a full-on ‘couple’ when either living together or marriage are on the immediate horizon.
In other words, keep kids and girlfriends/boyfriends quite separate. Seeing your friend only has access every other weekend, is there any reason for the lady to be there at all?
As a kid, I can say I was glad that my mother’s dating was kept to a minimum and behind the scenes. Generally it’s considered not a good idea to bring your beau’s in to your child’s life until you have reached some sort of stability, and even then to keep it fairly neutral (outings to the park, etc.).
Why? Kid’s don’t “get” adult relationships, and can’t really be expected to shoulder the instability that comes with them. They don’t understand how people can appear and disappear from lives and can’t seperate their parent’s social lives from their own. It can be depressing, maddening and confusing to have someone you’ve really come to like and consider to be part of the family to disappear without an explaination you can make sense of- especially for a kid who is dealing with divorce already. It can also make things difficult should the kid not get along with your date. Additionally, a parade of strangers can open the kid up to abuse.
As they get older, it’s also unseemly to have mom giggling like a school girl over her new crush or see dad chasing skirt. Many of my friends hating having to deal with their parents romantic ups and downs at an age when they were just learning about their own sexuality. It’s too much to deal with, too out of the kid’s control. Kids need parents who can be parents, not parents who are needy and exposed, which is how romance often leaves us.
Once again, none of my friends had positive experiences with their parent’s dating. I was personally thankful every day that I didn’t have to deal with those things.
After dating long distance, I moved across the country to live with my boyfriend. He has 3 elementary-school aged kids. So the first weekend they visited, all was fine until after they went home to their mother’s house, and 3 minutes later my boyfriend gets an angry call from his ex, screaming about how the kids were surprised to see us go off to bed together in the same room. I think most of the “surprise” was on her end though, in the form of jealousy.*
To be fair though, I don’t think my boyfriend did a good enough job of explaining to his kids beforehand who I was or the nature of our relationship. But nearly a year later, all is well and they have been completely fine with it.
*Side note: I couldn’t believe what a hypocrite this girl was being, considering the fact that while she was still married to my boyfriend, and he was overseas in the military, she was shacking up with another guy, having him live with her and her kids in base housing, and eventually got pregnant by the guy (while still married to my BF).
So when I moved in with him, it had been a year after their divorce is final, and she has the nerve to get in a tizzy over us living together? What a cunt.
I’ll second that. I am recently divorced (well, it seems recent enough), and my 10 year old daughter will not meet anybody I choose to date (when I choose to start again) until the relationship seems stable enough.
Kids need stability, especially more so in a divorce situation.
Before the divorce is even final? That is very early IMHO.
Presumably your friend slept in the same room with his wife while they were married. From the kids’ perspective, that would be perceived as this new woman taking the place of mom. Try to untangle that in kids’ heads!
I was a child of divorce in the early '70s. At that time there didn’t seem to be a lot of knowledge of how to do it right, without traumatizing the kids. These days, there is a lot more information available. If your friend hasn’t looked into it already, I suggest he spend some time on Amazon (or whatever the equivalent is in CZ) and get a good book or two on getting a divorce without ruining the relationship with the kids. What you mentioned about battles over money and the kids themselves already sounds like a red flag.
What you said about the adults do what the adults do, and kids just deal, is a little harsh, but I can agree with you to a point–when the parents are still married. Divorce tends to pull the parents out of adulthood a little bit and back into some situations more like adolescence. Kids aren’t equipped to deal with that.
One key question: What do you want to teach your kids (about sexual morailty, etc.)? And what rules are you going to expect them to live by (e.g. will they be allowed to have friends of the opposite sex sleep with them, whether at age 8 or 13 or 18)?
IANAL, but based on legal advice I received in a similar situation, even having the woman stay in the same house overnight when the kids are there can be used against him in a custody hearing.
