Kids and divorce

In My Humble Opinion
1

hey my wife and I are about to split and we will be sharing custody of our children with me having them for most weekends, school holidays etc probably about 30% of the time. Anyway this thread is not about mine or her feelings but about the kids. They are 12 and 13 and we have a very strong relationship and yes I do get along with the mother.

I currently coach my son in basketball so will continue to spend a lot of time with him and my daughter and I are currently working our way through the Margaret Fulton cookbook with a goal of her cooking Christmas lunch 2013. So I think that having these planned activities helps?

So what tips or traps can astute dopers give me in regards to how to keep the kids in a good mental state?

I may start a separate thread on how to get back in the dating game as well but my focus is on ensuring my kids are happy and well adjusted for now.

2

Live as close to their mother as practical. Especially as they enter their teen years, their peers are more important to them than their family, and having to maintain two different sets of friends because your two houses are far apart sucks. (Of course, I’m basing that off my own experiences; maybe it’s different now with texting and Facebook.) Try not to take it too personally when, as will inevitably occur, one or both of them doesn’t really want to come spend the weekend with you because their friends are all going to the beach. It’s not you, it’s not the divorce, it’s just how teens are. If they lived with you full time, they’d be doing the same thing, and it’s entirely developmentally appropriate. Find a way to be flexible with your schedules so that visitation works for them, as well as you.

Consider referring to your homes without using the phrases “Dad’s house” and “Mom’s house”. I always kind of wondered…if that’s Mom’s house and that’s Dad’s house…where’s MY house? We (my ex and I) refer to our abodes by the street name, instead: “Is your book at Main Street or is it at Fifth Avenue?”

Everyone tells you not to “bash” or “badmouth” your ex, and they are absolutely correct. However, your kids are old enough to understand that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, and if you pretend to always be delighted with your ex, it’s going to cause some ugly cognitive dissonance. It’s okay, within reason, to express frustration or disappointment with her actions…just try not to harsh on her as a person. “Mom forgot the permission slip again? sigh Okay, print off another copy and I’ll sign it.” is okay. “That stupid bitch, she’s always been an irresponsible…” is not.

Let their teachers know what’s going on. They may - consciously or unconsciously - act out in school as they process all this change, and it’s only fair and kind to give the teacher a heads up. If s/he knows, s/he can more effectively help them through this.

Mostly, when the ex is really driving you crazy (and she will, sooner or later) take a deep breath and remember that you once loved this woman enough to create life with her - twice. She must have some good qualities, so try remember them. The kids are the important ones now, and you *can *be a good coparent with an ex. My life is my cite - my parents were very good with me, and my role models for my successful divorce and coparenting with my ex.

3

Couple things I have noticed as a teacher, and from friends growing up:

  1. Don’t allow the kids any say in which parent they spend time with. For a friend of mine growing up, every single time she went to her dad’s, her mom took it personally, as a rejection, which then made my friend feel guilty and was one of the reasons she never had much of a relationship with her dad. If they’d just accepted the court order as The Law, they both would have been happier–her mom could have blamed the Court, not her daughter. If you have to negotiate a certain weekend or whatever, always have replacement time–don’t just skip visitation. And don’t cancel visitation for simplicity’s sake: it may seem silly for them to stay with you Friday night and then you get up at 8:00 AM to drive them back almost to their mom’s to go to a school thing or whatever, but that’s just part of the deal. Efficiency isn’t the goal in childrearing (probably the hardest lesson for me to learn as a parent thus far).

  2. Accept that all of you are suddenly going to see a steep decline in your standard of living. There’s no way around it (unless one or both of you are moving into another combined household). What supported one household will now support two, however it’s divided. Whatever issues you and your wife may have with your own sudden relative poverty, you’ve got to find a way to deal with it without freaking out your kids. On the other hand, it may not be realistic for the kids’ lifestyles not to also take a hit–I’ve seen people who were determined not to let the sudden economic disaster of divorce affect their kids (it’s not their fault!) but ended up in huge financial messes because they were trying to sustain something unsustainable. That leads to years of scrambling, fighting a losing battle as they rob Peter to pay Paul. I cannot emphasize this enough: sudden financial stress and insecurity in the wake of a divorce is way more upsetting than sudden poverty. Stress, anger, and resentment about money is a lot harder on kids than actually doing without things they used to have. Get a handle on your new financial reality ASAP accept that it’s just part of what’s happened–for all of you.