How Did You Make Your Divorce Easier On Your Kids?

In My Humble Opinion
1

Obviously being positive toward and about my soon-to-be-Ex is the most important single aspect of a less-damaging divorce. Seeking to compromise rather than defeat. Encouraging our kids to have a good relationship with him. Got it (in principle, anyway ;)).

What about the details?

Our son loves this house and is stuff-oriented. I’m planning to leave the house, though, it’s too expensive and too much work for me.

I think I can find a good apartment with some benefits (park, pool) that will highlight the fact that the kids and I are embarking on a new adventure. Most of the trips and activities we’ve done have just been the three of us, with Daddy at home by himself, so that won’t be any kind of shock.

What do I take with me? I’m looking forward to downsizing, and to getting away from the second-hand, worn, broken stuff we’ve accumulated over the past 20 years.

Is it better for kids to see their house looking pretty much the same way it always has, when they come back on the weekends to visit Daddy?

When my parents divorced, my Mom took pretty much all the good stuff. Her place was nicer to visit, but since I’d moved out 3 years prior she had no space for ME (which, obviously, won’t be an issue here, I’ll have bedroom/playroom for my kids).

I just remember so clearly how my Dad, in our old house, was left with the dregs and didn’t do much with them. I always felt such a sense of loss when I’d visit him. It was a fresh reminder of how things had fallen apart.

2

Sorry about your divorce, fessie.

Kids are resilient. They don’t care if the bed is old or the house is small. They just want attention and love.

As you already said, the very best thing you can do for your kids post-divorce is to try and maintain a civil relationship with your ex-husband. They are as much a part of him as they are you, and respecting him will go a long way towards restoring their feeling of security.

As Judge Judy says, love your kids more than you hate your ex.

Best of luck to all of you.

3

Thanks PunditLisa. :slight_smile: I’m not “outing” myself completely just yet ;).

Our son is very “stuff-oriented”. Been that way since he was a baby - he’d line up all the Little People in rows, like a chorus. I can picture him dragging a box of things from one household to the other.

I just dread the initial shock. It’s going to be awful for them - though, perhaps, since Daddy is currently on an upswing I may be able to time it to leave next time he hits bottom.

4

I have no advice, fessie, but just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear–it’s tough. Good thoughts coming your way.

5

I’m very sorry to hear this, fessie. I went though the same thing a few years ago. No matter what you do, there will be difficult times sorting out all the ‘stuff’.
My ex was the one who left initially, and I stayed in the house. When we sold the house and I moved to an apartment, I took nearly all the furniture, so it’s all the same stuff, just in a new place. I like to think that helped a little bit.

As with any type of move, it’s a good time to go through everything and weed out what you don’t really use or need anymore. I had my kids go through everything, telling them they could keep what they wanted, but that they had to get rid of some stuff, because there just wasn’t room for everything. They were pretty good at pruning old toys and junk, but my storage locker in the laundry room is filled with boxes of things they wanted to keep.

My daughter doesn’t live at home anymore, but she was here for Thanksgiving. She went through some boxes, and took a load of things back to school with her. We had this weird circular argument about her clothes, though. She’s got two drawers full of things, plus clothes in the closet.
Her: I want those clothes, don’t get rid of them!
Me: Then take them with you.
Her: No, I don’t want them.
Me: Then I’m going to get rid of them!
Her: No, I want them!
:smack: :smiley:
And I’ll echo what PunditLisa said: Love your kids more than you hate your ex.
Bitch about him all you want to friends and family (or here), but keep it positive in front of the kids.

6

If this is really your spirit talking then I’d say you’ve got the hard work behind you because it sounds like you’re evacuating a hopeless situation rather than leaving to punish someone.

As far as what to take? Take only what is essentially “you” and travel light. The fewer memories there are in your new place that ties you to the ex the easier it will be for you to return to who you should be. Kids for the most part take their cues from you when it comes to sorting out change. If you appear panicked or despondent, they will be less confident that the split was a good idea.

Another thought: be mindful of the physical distance you put between the two homes if the kid(s) are going to be shuttled back and forth regularly. There will be times when they’re at one parent’s house and will be missing the other. It really does help them to know that they could, if they really wanted to, walk to the other house. The mere accessability of the other parent is often sufficient to quell the need to actually access them.

Stay positive, don’t let anyone entertain thoughts that this might be temporary, and NEVER badmouth the ex, they will find out and you will hear about it.

Good luck to you!

7

My kids’ daddy used to be a raging, violent man. I used to tell the kids “you don’t have to love what your Daddy does, but it’s okay to love him”. Twenty years later, now that he’s mellowed out a lot, my daughter has rekindled a relationship with him. I think my advice helped.

My kids were very small when we split up, so what I took/didn’t take is not pertinent to what you’re going through.

Good luck fessie. There are a lot of us here who’ve been through this same journey (both guys and gals). For every question or situation you run across, I’ll bet someone here has an answer. :slight_smile:

8

When they come back on the weekends to visit Daddy is, honestly, Daddy’s problem. Do not make your decisions about what to keep and what not to keep based in any way upon that, because there is no guarantee that he will in fact do that. Keep what you need, what you want, what you want to give to them when they are older, what you can get, whatever, and leave the rest.

It will not be surprising for a child to want to take stuff back and forth – I knew a woman who fitted out a secondhand suitcase with elastic loops to fit all the weird stuff her son wanted to take back and forth, so it all had its very own place. Let him do it.

It will also not be surprising to find that things from one house appear in the other – when this happens, it is important to remember that this is not theft, it is a magical attempt to have a bit of the other parent around for comfort.

I used to have a sheet around here of tips for parents during/after divorce, I will look for it this evening. One of the things to remember is that “don’t badmouth” is only the beginning. One of the other things to remember is that they don’t know how to do this either so they are likely to be hyperalert to you and take their cues from there. So, resist the urge to ask them in great detail about their time with the other parent. Do not talk in great detail about how much you miss them when they are gone, they would prefer to think you are happy. Be casual during transitions.

Try very hard not to project: how you felt is not how they will feel and what they will see is not what you saw.

9

I realize it may not be possible, but if it is, keep the house. For you, this may be “a new adventure”, the ability to cut away from some unhappy ties in your life, but for your children, who have no choice or control in this matter, it is a massive upheaval in their small world that is largely centered around you and their schoolmates and local friends. One person’s adventure is another’s catastrophe, and moving to a new place, being separated from easy access to friends, et cetera, can accentuate the stress of a divorce.

I don’t mean to be critical of your decision to divorce, which may very well be the best thing for all concerned, but try to look at this from your childrens’ point of view as well. The more stability you can provide them, the better. And while it is all well and good to want to be cooperative of the ex-spouse for the childrens’ sake, don’t go so far overboard as to apologize for negligence (implied in your above statement) or abusive behavior. Children do need a caring and preferably low conflict parenting environment, but they also need to know that their own distress about being ignored or treated poorly is reasonable and justified.

Whatever happens, good luck to you.

Stranger

10

Is this wise? Wouldn’t it be better to leave when he’s on the top of his roller coaster pattern? That way he’ll be his most stable and competent? Would you want to set up separate housekeeping with him taking the kids and being the sole adult in the house occasionally when he’s at his low point? And he may be more rational/reasonable to work with regarding divorce proceedings when he’s at the top of his game(so to speak). Timing a stressful moment to co-incide with a low point in his cycle seems like asking for more trouble than you need, and more drama than the kids deserve.

I’m sorry for the loss of what you had which brought you together, and I feel sympathy for the loss of the future you had hoped for, but I’m glad you’re taking the steps you feel are best for you and the children.

Enjoy,
Steven

11

I’m going to give you some advice that may go against the grain–

Take care of your own needs first.

Of course the kids needs are ultimately the first priority. I’m not arguing against that. But as others have said, kids take their cues from you, and a happier mommy leads to happier kids. A more relaxed mommy leads to happier kids too.

If you feel that the house is too much work and too expensive, then by all means move into an apartment. It’s great that you’re taking your son’s unique needs and feelings into account, and it’s obvious that you’re not going to make him get rid of too much of his important “stuff,” but getting rid of or leaving behind a lot of your belongings will make you feel so much better. And it will probably make the kids feel better, too, in the long run.

I moved out of the house and into an apartment, and it’s fabulous. It’s so much less work, and I have so much more time and flexibility to spend with my son or on myself or on the things that I couldn’t do when I was married.

Yes yes yes!

Inigo also makes a good point about living in close physical proximity to your ex. I’m not sure walking distance is necessary, but it’s so much easier for the kids to go between two houses, and so much easier for the parents, if it’s no big deal to swing by the other place for something important that was left behind or whatever other reason.

Here are some other tips:

–Call your kids every evening when they’re with Daddy, and have him call every evening when they’re with you. Some folks on this board have said that phone calls between the kids and the other parent are intrusive and so forth. That’s idiotic. It makes the kids feel like their world is less fragmented and reinforces the idea that the other parent is still available to them. Also, it gives you an opportunity to talk frequently with your ex, allowing you to easily coordinate custody details, share information, and even check that the kids aren’t trying to play you against each other. The kids benefit from seeing you talk to your ex in a civil manner and also know that you’re still a parenting team.

–Invite your ex to see your new apartment and especially the kids’ rooms. If he moves, make sure you do the same. It’s easier when you can at least visualize where the kids live. My ex won’t come see my place, which is too bad. My son is glad that I at least know what his other room looks like. This might be extra-important to your stuff-oriented son.

–Make sure the kids have a photo of their dad in their rooms. Encourage your ex to do the same.

–Consider having the kids talk to a counselor or go to some sort of support group for divorced kids. There is probably someone at their schools who could talk to them and steer you to resources. It doesn’t have to be any kind of big-deal therapy, but they should have a chance to express themselves to a truly neutral third party.
Oh–and a general divorce tip–make sure you have your ex’s social security number. I’ve needed that for so many silly paperwork things.
Good luck. It’s hard to do what you’re doing, but if it’s necessary, it’s sooooo worth it. PM me if you like.

12

Well said, my friend.

You may not grieve for the loss of the marriage, fessie, but you will grieve for the loss of what could have (and maybe should have) been. This doesn’t mean that leaving the marriage wasn’t the right thing to do. So let yourself grieve, but don’t let it make you second-guess your decision.

13

Oh sweaty Jeezus is this ever spot on! Long, LONG after you get over the daily BS that split you up, this little bitch of a demon will still be around gnawing relentlessly at your ankles. Still does for me anyway and I’ve moved on, remarried, am perfectly happy, etc. But I still feel the loss of the future I had been planning on even as I hope for my new one.

14

You missed the previous thread where we convinced her its probably best to let go of the house. She can’t afford it, its too big, and fessie’s husband hasn’t been the most supportive of husbands or daddies - the kids may benefit more from the clean break than the stability.

15

Awesome. Thank you SO much. All of you - and Stranger, you make good points. I am keeping them in the same school regardless of our move, it’s a charter school and I drive them every day anyway. Green Bean, thanks, and I love the point about photographs. Marienee, I’ll look forward to reading that when you have time.

Inigo, beautiful. I will. That’s exactly right.

Hokay - now to find a job! :smiley:

16

Dangerosa, love ya, as usual! :cool:

17

No. The effort to keep the house for the sake of the children is financially risky at best and ruinous at worst. The trauma of moving is as nothing to the trauma of dealing with a parent who is attempting to maintain a previous lifestyle for the sake of the children. If there is going to be an upheaval it is better to do it all now rather than now divorce and later lose the house and have to move anyway – or lose their mother’s time and attention because she is busy trying to maintain a mortgage payment/maintenance costs/etc that were initially entered into on now radically altered premises.

A house is in the end just a thing. This is not a bad thing to learn.

18

This advice may not be worth the paper it’s written on (and it’s not on paper), and it may be something that doesn’t even need to be pointed out - but while I agree on the “no badmouthing daddy,” it’s also important for the kids to know, if they ever get angry with him, that it’s ok. For example if he fails to pick them up when agreed? Don’t badmouth him, but don’t make excuses for him either. Don’t become your own worst enemy by trying too hard to be nice to the ex. I don’t know if I’m saying it clearly, I’m thinking about all those times my parents put some pedagogic principle ahead of their children’s peace of mind (respect for authority, not pampering the kids, whatever).

“No badmouthing daddy” is important. But your kids have already been angry at Daddy more than once, they’ll be angry at Daddy (and at you I imagine) again, and that’s a perfectly fine feeling so long as no knives are involved.

19

I divorced my first wife who I was childless with, and stayed married to the second one that I have children with. :stuck_out_tongue:

Sorry, serious question, puckish answer, I couldn’t resist. I hope I am never in such a situation. Sometimes when my problems with my wife seem intractable, I think about how to do a separation properly and I can’t think of any way to make it easy on the kids. I hope you figure out a way to make it work.

20

My preference would’ve been to make it work - but the promises that were made a year ago have not been kept. He’s had 11 months to deal with issues that he agreed were problematic.

And now it’s become crystal clear that the kids are suffering. It’s sad, but I have no excuse for not acting.