Ahh Dopers. Sad day for Fessie.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I followed Belrix’s divorce and Dinsdale’s near-miss. It is LONG past time to stick a fork in my marriage.

Too, too much conflict; emotional infidelity; inability to manage finances; unmet expectations; serious lack of affection; excessive criticisms and judgments and complaints. That thread a while ago about “What ended your marriage” shocked me, I’d been putting up with lots of those things for years. I thought that was normal. Except I’ve also wanted out, over & over & over again. And then returned. The lure of the familiar, unique qualities that we DO share. I thought if I kept working at it, it would improve.

Except now our twins are 5 1/2, they’re old enough that THEY are having problems with him.

I knew it wasn’t OK when he’d snarl at their simple requests, or answer their questions with sarcasm. We’ve fought over that, too. I’ve given him books to read (and Dope threads to follow). It’s helped for brief spells. There have been good months - but lots and lots of bad ones. I’ve kept working at it.

Last month we went Trick-or-Treating without Daddy, because he’d had a big fit over our son’s wearing pants with a hole in them under his costume. Daddy was on the couch pouting. We went out with friends. And I noticed my friend’s husband darting to catch their child when he stumbled; I can’t recall mine ever doing that.

And then last week my daughter mentioned, totally out of the blue, that she “wants to tape Daddy’s eyes shut so he’ll crash his car and be exploded. I want Daddy to be exploded.” She’s in kindergarten.

So the appointment with the therapist is today. NOT because the kids need to change - my daughter’s the sanest one in the house. They need another advocate, and I need a witness. I’ve known all along that this is not good. I just couldn’t figure out the logistics - and I have trouble trusting my instincts. Because my mother’s crazy, seriously crazy. Only no one ever acknowledged it, until I’d moved out and she started trying to kill herself.

My concern is, what do I do about my kids time? How do I manage to spend all of their non-school time with them, as I always have, and also pay the mortgage so we don’t have to leave this house? I don’t want them to leave this house, it’s the only home they’ve known.

When I looked up the figures on child support in Indiana, it seemed to me it would roughly equal the mortgage. Part-time office work (I don’t have a professional degree, but I know Excel and Word) would pay about half of what we need (to live on, pay the rest of the bills, save for repairs). I think it could swing it OK on a full-time job…but my son, especially, clings to me. He’s the one who gets more of Dad’s foul tone. He doesn’t want to spend 2 hrs/day someplace else.

Maybe someone who’s been through this could tell me - would the Court support keeping the kids in the house, and keeping me at home after school? At least for the next year?

Is my son likely to become less clingy once a separation takes place? Six months later? A year later?

I swear, my daughter’s remark blew my mind. That - and the way my son relaxed, a couple of weeks ago, when Daddy was sick with the flu and stayed in bed for 2 whole days. Not having him around calmed our son. It shocked me, seeing that.

2

You’ll need to discuss this with a lawyer licensed in your jurisdiction. It is possible that you may be eligible for some type of alimony/spousal support for some period of time, depending on the circumstances and law governing such things where you live. You will also want to discuss whether you have grounds for divorce, wish to pursue a no fault divorce, custody/support/visitation and how marital property is divided in your state.

3

I’m sorry to hear that fessie, and happy for you as well because on the other end of a difficult process is something better for you and your kids.

Kids are pretty resilient. They might BENEFIT from moving out of the home where they have memories of Daddy - particularly since it seems like he’s been emotionally abusive to them. They might benefit from more caring caretakers in their lives modeling good behavior if you need them to be in afterschool care for a few hours. There lives will change, but the aggregate change will be for the better.

4

Ah, Fessie. My heart was hurting for your kids just reading that. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling for your little ones. We find out things about our partners we never really knew before we had kids, huh?

I think you are doing the right thing, and I think you can do this. Moving may be hard at first, but it may be what needs to be done if you want to stay with them after school and help them through the hardest times. It’s also possible that your son’s clinginess results from your husband’s behavior towards them. That may lighten a bit when the anger isn’t floating around and he feels more secure. As for the financial things, I can’t really say. If you haven’t worked for a while and he’s been the main source of income, you may get some spousal support in addition to child support. I hope so. Talk to a good lawyer. And best of luck to you and your kids. I think it’s wonderful that you’re looking out for their emotional health.

5

Sounds like you already know the answer, at least to that point.

6

Thanks. :slight_smile:

I did talk to a lawyer a year ago. Very nice man. The first thing he said was that I needed to get a full-time job (which would’ve meant 40 hours of daycare). Then Daddy went on Paxil and things improved for a few months…

Excellent points about memories, that hadn’t occurred to me. Very liberating.

The modeling behavior thing — that’s what has changed things for me. Beyond my kids’ remarks and behavior (I didn’t mention that our son often hits his father, with real venom). The friendships I’ve made in the past year, these women I now know, have changed things for me 100%.

If you ever meet a woman in a bad marriage and wonder what to do to help, be a good friend. You don’t even have to discuss the marriage. Just demonstrate to her that she is worthy of being treated well: liked, respected, enjoyed. It makes an enormous difference.

7

I’m sorry to hear what you and your kids are going through. Divorce may even help your husband and make him a better father. He probably wants out, too but feels obligated and this makes him unhappy so he takes it out on you guys. He may be a better dad as a part time dad.

As horrifying as your daughter’s confession that she wants her daddy exploded is, I can’t help but smile a little at her creativity.

8

:slight_smile:
I think you’re right - I’ve said it to him a dozen times. He doesn’t WANT to be here. So go. Just go.

We have a therapy appointment for next week. On my birthday, of all things.

9

I can’t speak in any absolute way, but moving out of the house probably wouldn’t be the worst thing for your kids–it’s more important that they’re loved than in a particular house. My parents stayed together but when we were small my mom considered leaving pop (I didn’t know it till I was an adult) and I think even if we had moved into a tiny apartment, we wouldn’t have had his oppressive presence in our lives. I didn’t wish my father death but we were so much more relaxed when he wasn’t home.

Granted, you would probably have to split the proceeds with him, but a house sale could give you a small nest egg to at least feel more secure in the shorter term.

I’m sorry you are going through this, but given what your daughter said, it sounds like it’s the only thing to do.

10

I am sorry to hear your news. Nothing that I can say will make it easier on you, but you will be in my thoughts.

11

I am really sorry to hear this sad news. Someone recently helped me see a tragic event in my own life in a different way. They said, ‘‘It might have been difficult, but it was the beginning of your new life.’’ Maybe this is an opportunity for you and your children to have a new life free of strain. I hope you have all the support and encouragement you need as you go through this difficult process.

12

Leaving the only house they’ve ever known may seem traumatic to you right now, but consider that people move all the time, under happy circumstances, and kids can be right put out by it. It doesn’t mean they’re scarred for life, or even particularly emotionally devastated by it at that moment. (I remember my daughter wailing, at age 2-1/2, the night we moved and she had a new room and a ‘big girl’ bed, “I can’t take this any more!” Poor dear.)

That said, I have been through a divorce with small children and the positive results produced by the lack of strain were remarkable to behold. Therapy, yes. We went to a counselor for several weeks until they were pronounced sound. A trip back a year or so later for two sessions was beneficial.

(For more context from me, I remarried a year later and my two became a big brother and sister the following year. They are terrifically adjusted, love their brother, love their step-dad and love me. Happy endings are possible.)

Also, two hours a day in daycare doesn’t sound bad to me at all. But then again, I’ve always worked full-time. Good luck.

13

But that was a year ago. Now your kids are presumably in school (or about to be) for the better part of the day.

14

fessie, I’ll second what everyone else is saying about the negative effects of moving being a lot less than the benefits of getting out of a crappy home environment. My mom moved us out of an abusive environment when I was around 6, and I still remember the vast feeling of relief at not having to walk on eggshells and be afraid all the time. The fact that we were in a different house was completely minimal compared to that.

I’m sorry you’re having to go through this, but I’m glad you’re getting out. Your kids will thank you for it someday. I have thanked my mom, more than once.

15

fessie, check your pm’s.

16

I’m so sorry, fessie. I can’t offer any real advice beyond what you’ve already received, but know that you’re in my thoughts and that I wish you the very best. You deserve to be happy and cherished and supported. If you don’t have that now, then you deserve to be in a better situation where it could be possible.

17

An old joke, but I like it: Why does divorce cost so much? Because it’s worth it.

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve got this hard time looming ahead of you, but I think you and your kids may be much happier when it’s done. Best of luck, dear… ((fessie))

18

It’s been said “all good things come to an end” or something to that effect. In your case, the good thing might be your home. Moving is much less stressful on little ones who haven’t just spent the last several years in school and are moving away from their best friend. At 5 1/2, they will bounce back quickly.

Hurtful words can linger in our thoughts for years, maybe forever. Getting out of a bad situation can be quite freeing.

Hang in there and come visit us here when you need a few hugs!
((Fessie))

19

fessie, I have no practical advice, but would like to offer you hugs, good vibes, prayers, best wishes, and anything else I can!

I know your kids are used to having you there all the time, and you are used to being there. You are a wonderful mom!! You can continue to be a wonderful mom, even if they need to be in daycare part time!

My mom was always there (when I wasn’t in school) when I was growing up, and you know what? She was a sucky mom. Being constantly available or not is not what makes a good parent, so please stop thinking it does! Your children will always remember what a great mother you are, and when they are old enough to look back on this time with some kind of clarity, they will remember that you were the one to take them out of a bad situation.

I’m sure it won’t be easy, but you will get through this!

20

fessie, I divorced when my kids were six months old and 3 years old. We moved into a house trailer (in a different town, even) and lived there for a few years before I remarried. They were in daycare all day long. But you know, those were some fun times - we didn’t have much, but we had each other; and my being gone 40 hours a week didn’t seem to faze them one bit. They are now 24 and 21 years old, just normal young people with nary a scar to show for it. I agree with the above advice that moving out of the house is not going to matter at all.