Doing the right thing sucks. (Long and probably really depressing.)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Another weekend visit with my three kids is past, and as always, I am sitting home feeling absolutely miserable.

The background: My ex-husband and I split in December of 2001, very nearly 3 years ago. We have 3 children, an 8 year old boy, and two girls, 7 and 3. The youngest was 8 months old when he announced he wanted a divorce (classic “other-woman” story).

At the time of the divorce, I had given up my job to stay at home with the kids. My van had just bitten the dust, and I had no family support worth mentioning. For all his faults (and they are many) my ex is a good father, and he has a great family backing him up. Looking at the situation then, it appeared to me that I had two options: keep the kids, and go on welfare, and struggle to build everything from scratch; or let him keep the kids, provide them a good home, with the only family they really knew (minus me, of course.)

So, after much soul-searching and agonizing, I made the decision to let him have them, without a custody battle. To this day, I firmly believe that it was (and is) the right decision, as much as it kills me, and as hard as it was to come to that conclusion. To admit to myself that I couldn’t give my kids what they needed was without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

So here we are, three years later. Now I have a great job, but a broken car, which means I’m at the mercy of anyone who will lend me their car for the weekend (my mother or brother, generally) so that I can go get them from the other side of the state. If you’d ever told me that a two-hour trip would prove to be a big obstacle in seeing my kids, I wouldn’t have believed it. Surely two hours is no big deal. But without my own car to get me there, it’s meant that I get to see my kids once every few months, instead of once a week. (If I had a reliable car, I’d be there at least twice a month, no doubt about it.) I talk to them on the phone all the time, but nothing replaces being with them. And nothing eases the pain of hearing “When do we get to see you again?” every time we talk.

Nothing softens the blow of knowing that I didn’t potty train my own daughter. I didn’t sign the older two up for their first year of soccer. I wasn’t there on the first day of the school year, and I probably won’t be there on the last. I didn’t get to take them to Disney World for the very first time. I couldn’t even afford to buy them Christmas presents last year. My youngest child is growing up with probably no memory of me ever having been the full-time mommy. And now, the ex’s fiance (not the woman he left me for, thankfully) has been dubbed “Mommy-Susan” (name changed, for no real reason) despite the fact that the ex and I agreed that we wouldn’t have the kids calling anyone else Mommy or Daddy. But the reasonable part of me knows that it’s probably not anything he can stop; the fact is that it’s Susan that she wakes up to, and it’s Susan that tucks her in, and Susan who gives her medicine when she’s sick, and to a three year old, that is pretty much the Mommy.

I went to their soccer games yesterday, where I stood behind the ex and fiance, watching as they cheered on team members by name. I watched as parents from the opposing team shook their hands, and congratulated them on a good game. I watched my daughter take a kick to the shin, and then I watched as Susan rushed to her side ahead of me. I got to watch another woman comfort my child, because she happened to get there first.

Then I got to take them home for the night, and spend a few precious hours with them. Hours where there were scarcely minutes where we weren’t hugging, or holding hands, or kissing, or doing all of the things we couldn’t do for the last few months. My daughter confessed to me that when her father had presented them with the choice, “Go visit Mommy, or spend the weekend with Daddy (who happened to be on vacation this week)” she was torn and confused, and had a hard time choosing. My son said that it wasn’t a tough choice, but he did have to think about it for a second. The baby put her hands on her hips and told me very matter-of-factly “I said, ‘I want to see my mother!’” And I am slightly ashamed to admit that it made me feel really, really good.

This morning they all woke up in very quiet moods. The baby asked me when I was taking them home, and I said “Later.” She frowned at me, and said “Is it later yet?” Stricken, I asked her if she wanted to go home sooner. “No,” she said, to my guilty relief, “I don’t want to go home at all.” (I’m sure there are some reading this thinking that this is an awfully well-spoken 3 year old, but I swear, these are her words.) When I asked her why not, she said “I’m not happy there.” But she wouldn’t give any reason as to why. And to be honest, I’m sure that it’s not even the way she feels. As a child of divorce myself, I know the thrill and romanticism of visiting the non-custodial parent. Everything seems so cool because the parent sees you so little that the time you do spend together is full of fun things like the movies, and eating at restaurants, and a very lenient view towards things that would otherwise land a kid in trouble. But still, to hear my child tell me she’s not happy at home, and that she wants to be with me, is like a bittersweet knife in the heart. The older two agreed that they were sad that they had to leave again so soon. All through the day, the baby asked me why she couldn’t stay with me all the time. “You’d miss Daddy and Susan then,” I reminded her. “But I can visit them!” she explained. How do you make a three year old understand the logistics of divorce and custody? All I could tell her was that I knew it was hard, but that she had a great Daddy and Susan, and all kinds of friends at home that all loved her. She just gave me a sullen look.

Later, it was “Later” and I loaded them into the car. The baby gave me a wide-eyed look and asked “It’s later now?” I could only nod, and she burst into tears. She sobbed that she didn’t want to go, and I struggled desperately with the sudden urge to turn the car around and drive as far away as it would take us. My other daughter joined in the tearfest, and apologized profusely that she had ever been confused. I told them in no uncertain terms that they should never feel guilty for choosing what they wanted, and that if they had chosen to stay with their Dad I would have understood completely, and that I would not have been upset (which, of course, is a bold-faced lie, but what can I do?) My son just stared silently out the window. I tried singing in my “man-voice” to make them laugh, but it didn’t work, so we just drove in sniffly silence. Finally we got to the meeting point, and they all climbed out of the car. The girls had calmed down, and were happy to see their Dad and Susan again. I gave as many hugs and kisses as I could fit in, saw them safely seated in their own car and thanked them for a wonderful weekend. The baby was teary-eyed, but calm. Her sister nodded sadly. I looked at my son, the stoic one, and was destroyed to see his eyes bloodshot and watery with the effort of holding back tears. I said one last goodbye, and climbed into my car. I looked over at them, to see tears just streaming down my poor boy’s face. I wanted so desperately to run over and take them home again. I wanted to tell the ex that I’d changed my mind, that it was all a huge mistake, and that I wanted to have them full time. I wanted to scream, I wanted to plead, I wanted to die. Instead, I just broke down crying as they pulled away, turning my face so that my son wouldn’t see me. And then I drove home, missing them already.

The entire way home, I had to tell myself that I had done the right thing, and that it isn’t even feasible for me to have them now. I don’t get home from work until 8 at night, and I have to leave the house at 7 in the morning. Even if they lived with me, with that kind of schedule, I’d still never see them. I tried to remind myself that if I had been raising them these last 3 years, I wouldn’t even have this job in the first place, and it’s a phenomenally good job that I love. Somehow though, that just made me feel worse. I told myself that they were happy (no matter what the baby claims) and they were wonderful, brilliant, beautiful children. But that only reminded me that there wasn’t very much credit that I could take in that. All I could see was that this stupid divorce is still hurting my kids long after I have healed from it.

All I know is I want my babies back. I don’t want to be replaced by someone else. I don’t want my daughter to have no idea what it’s like to have me as her Mommy. And I don’t want my kids to cry because of me.

2

As a father of one (8 years old), and also, like you, someone whose parents got divorced, I can understand your pain. Though as a father not a mother it’s not as intense as what you’re feeling. For what it’s worth, I think you’ve probably done the right thing by your children, although that has come at the expense of your own happiness and fulfilment with regard to the most important thing in your life.

Are you perhaps putting yourself under too much strain though by attending games with Susan?

Anyway, you sound very brave and determined to do the best for your children.

3

(((HUGS)))

I don’t know what else to say. Been there, done that, got the scars. I think it’s harder on the parents than it is the kids. I have first hand knowledge of this, having been involved in divorce as both a child and then, years later, a parent.

Divorce sucks, but sometimes it’s better than the alternative.

4

Thanks, guys. Deep down, I know it’s the right thing, but it doesn’t make things much easier. Fortunately/unfortunately, this is the only soccer game I’ve been able to get to (and probably the last one I’ll see this year since the season is over at the end of the month) so the Susan thing isn’t a constant thorn in my side. And I am grateful that they have a someone like her in my life, and not the fairy-tale type stepmother.

Still sucks though :wink:

5

:frowning:
Ouch. That really sucks.

At least your kids love you and want to stay with you.
And if it makes you feel better, I can imagine Susan trying to get the kids to do something, and have them scream at her “You’re not my mommy!”

So I doubt she’ll ever be able to replace you.

6

TellMeI’mNotCrazy, you had me weeping.
I agree with John Carter that divorce is probably harder on parents than kids.
I was going to give you an account of my life as a child of divorced parents, but I tend to get verbose and then self-conscious, so I’ll just give you the short version: My sister and I turned out just fine. The worst part for me now is knowing the emotional anguish my parents felt. It rips my heart out to imagine spending only two days a week with my son, and I know that’s only a little taste of what they felt, and what you feel.

Is there any chance of you moving to the town where your kids live? I hope you can get your car fixed soon so you can see them more often.

7

What a sad story. One of the worst things is that you had to give up your youngest when she was still a baby.

What is the visitation schedule? Do you have a set schedule for seeing them? I think this is what you should do. You need to be able to have them every other weekend, or at least twice a month. You say you have a great job; can you save up to fix your car or to buy a new used car? Does your ex pay you alimony? If you had kept the kids, he would have had to pay you child support, right? Couldn’t that have helped you keep the kids?

8

Unfortunately, I don’t have a set schedule for seeing them, mainly because of the car situation. I do have a great job (and am in the process of saving up for a used car that can comfortably fit the four of us without my son having to sit in the front seat with the airbag) so hopefully that will be resolved by the end of the year. Ironically, one of the biggest obstacles to saving that money up is the fact that I am paying a not-insignificant amount of money in child support every month, as well as trying to catch up on the months that I was unemployed and not paying.

If I had kept them, yes, he would have paid child support, but as I saw it, I still wouldn’t have been able to provide for them very well, and I probably would have had to move them to a less expensive area - and away from the ex and his family. I couldn’t see doing that to them.

As for moving closer to them, I truly wish I could, but as it is, my daily commute is 2.5 hours each way; moving to their area would easily make it 5.

9

I have no kids, never been married, etc, but I just wanted to say you made the right move.

I think it’s very classy of you to put their needs ahead of yours, or any squabbles with the husband. From my experience with divorce (parents of friends), the kids are usually used as bargaining chips and pawns. Kudos for not doing that.

10

When you do get a car, are you going to arrange for a set visitation schedule? Many divorced couples I know with kids have very regular, set visitation schedules. Also, perhaps with your new job you could afford to have them live with you again soon?

Also, are you saying that you travel a total of 5 hours every day to work??!!?? :eek: If you don’t have a car, how do you get to work?

11

Once I have a car, yes, we will return to a regular schedule - likely every other weekend. To get to work, I use the bus and train (I work in Manhattan). And believe me, while I am quickly approaching the point where I could afford to have them live with me, I still can’t see that it’s the right thing for them. They have their own lives, with friends, and routines, and things that are important to them like soccer. I can’t see that just because I might be ready, that they are. On top of which, there’s the fact that I do indeed spend 5 hours a day commuting; they’d end up spending most weekday evenings in the care of a nanny, instead of their current situation of almost never needing to be with an outside caregiver. All that coupled with business trips (I recently had to spend a month in London) and it’s just not a job that is conducive to raising kids alone.

As far as I can see, the decision is a permanent one. Rather than ping-ponging them around as situations change, I’d rather know that they were in a stable, and as happy as the situation allows them to be. If they were with me, they’d miss their Dad after all, and he has played a monumental role in their lives, especially over the last 3 years.

12

has no words, offers hugs instead :frowning:

13

((((TellMeI’mNotCrazy))))

FWIW, I think you are doing the right thing. I have not had your experiences, but as a mother myself I ache for the pain I hear in your post. I have no real advice to give you but please know that your words fell on an understanding ear. You are a strong woman.

Sharron

14

Any chance you can move closer to your ex? That way you can go to the soccer games and school plays and such.

Please investigate it. Don’t fall back on, “My work is here.” Your babies are there, and there are other jobs there.

Please, for the sake of your babies, look into it. I’m not saying you should quit your job and sleep on the floor of your ex’s living room, but see what job opportunites are available there.

After all, your heart is already there. We just need to join it with the rest of your body.

15

The only reason I moved from that side of the state to this one in the first place was because I was absolutely unable to find a job to support myself and pay my child support over there. My job isn’t stopping me from seeing my kids every other weekend; I could certainly take a day off to go over and see a school play or recital. The obstacle is the car, which should be a non-issue before long.

16

This is good.

17

I’m very empathetic to your situation. I am a man. I let my ex move out of state so that my children could grow up in a lower cost of living area where they could afford a house, etc. I drive 8 hours to see my children as often as I can. It is very hard emotionally but in the end, it was the right thing for me to do.

The most important things are that your children grow up safe, healthy, as happy as possible and knowing that you love them. It seems that you did right in the safe/healthy dept. It sounds as if Susan cares about your children’s safety. It would be difficult for you to keep an eye on them with your work schedule. Do you think your children are happy on a day to day basis? They are obviously sad to have to leave you. But do they have friends and activities where they are now? If so, and I know this hurts, then it should make you happy that they are happy. I think it will ALWAYS be sad when you leave. I drive the first three hours with tears and snot streaming down my face. In my heart though, I am glad that they have a mother who loves them and takes them to soccer and dance class and everywhere else that I never get to see. I have never seen my youngest play soccer and that hurts. I’ve never seen my oldest dance and that hurts too. My kids went away on an overnite church retreat this weekend. I wanted them to call me so badly last nite and tell me all of the fun things that they did. I haven’t heard from them yet. It has depressed me all day that they had more important things to do. Sometimes it is so hard that I feel like giving up and not trying at all. But the last part…the part where you show your children that you love them…that is the most important part of all. I want them to grow up without all of the emotional baggage that I carry from my parent’s divorce. I will not involve them in “grownup” discussions. I stress that their mother is a great/pretty/wonderful person…which she pretty much is. I make it clear that I will always be there as quick as I can if they need me. I don’t really discipline, but they never really needed that anyway. But I don’t hesitate to speak up if I don’t like their behavior.

I think (and I may be reading into this) that your biggest problem is that you are being replaced. That must be so hard, probably even harder for you as a woman. My only advice is that you refrain from badmouthing Susan in front of your kids. They have a relationship with her. You do not want them to be fearful of saying the wrong thing in front of you, that they like or even love her. That’s OK if they do. They can love you too. Hopefully, you can be enough of a force in their lives that they grow up knowing love from “both” of their families.

I am so sad for your situation. I wish you much luck and determination. I would always be available if you needed to chat with someone. I wish there was some group for us parents who can’t be with their children. It feels like we are the only ones sometimes. You can email me at zydecat@optonline.net - or not it you want. I wish you all the best.

18

TellMeI’MNotCrazy, I can’t tell you how much I admire your courage and self-sacrifice to do what’s right for your kids. I have a niece who’s under a year old, and I see her every 2-3 weeks. I can’t even imagine going without seeing her for longer than that.

Also, good for you for keeping up and even paying back your child support, as well. You sound like exactly the kind of parent I hope I’ll be.

Without the divorce. :wink:

Or the childbirth part. Nope, gonna let my wife do that.

19

Tough, tough situation.
I think your doing the absolute right thing.
The old adage of “Quality time, not quantity” seems to be exactly what your doing.
I admire you for keeping a level head in such an emotional time. I think you knew inside that “taking the kids and driving as far away as you could” would just result in a worse situtation for you and your kids.
Kudos to you for keeping an open and civil line of communication with your ex. The ugly battles between parents are what can really hurt the kids.
As you get on your feet you know things will improve and you’ll be seeing more of them and they’ll be wanting to see more of you.
They’re all just a phone call away and you can ask them how their day was. (Get them some calling cards.)
Take LOTS of photos when your together with them and make sure they get these.
Kids these days can be pretty damn independant but they always, always need to know they have parents that love them. It sounds like your kids do.

20

{{{HUGS}}}

Beyond that, the only suggestion I can make is would it be possible for your ex to drive the kids to your end of the state for visits some of the time? I know it was your decision to move away because of the job, but still, I’d hope he’d be willing to work with you on that. It is, after all, his fault that the kids can’t be with both parents - it was his choice to have an affair, and leave you without any means of support.