I can’t directly speak as a divorcé, but my parents divorced when I was 16 and I’m the “step-dad” of three children.
Here are some lessons I’ve learned:
Always make sure that your children feel welcomed and wanted at both places. If you cannot afford a separate bedroom for each child, make sure that at least have a special place in the house that is just theirs. Never use the ex’s place as a punishment (i.e: if you keep doing X, you’ll go live with your mom/dad).
Don’t ever badmouth the ex which will probably include the reasons why you divorced. This can be one of the hardest things to do, so make sure you have a person you can vent to in private. Unfortunately, this has backfired on my step-dad, he never mentioned his ex-wife in anything but nice words to his two sons. His ex-wife is still filled with piss and venom about the divorce twenty years ago and did nothing but badmouth his name to the boys. One of them now hasn’t talked to him in five years because of what his mother has said. It’s actually pretty sad, but my step-dad still hasn’t changed his position.
If possible, make sure parenting rules are followed at both houses, i.e. If bedtime is 9pm, it’s 9pm at both houses.
That said with number 3, make sure that if you’re the weekday parent, that you’re not overshadowed by the weekend parent. The weekday parent gets the not-so-fun task of making sure that they go to school, do homework, get to sleep at a regular time, and all of the mundane stuff. The weekend parent has more time to go to a ball game, the zoo, etc. That’s not to say that this is a competition, but it can be a challenge to make sure that they have fun at weekday’s parent house (and make sure they have chores/do homework at weekend’s parent too). It doesn’t even have to be an adventure, our kids love the fact that once a week, they’re the chef of the kitchen and we make a recipe out of a cookbook together.
Work out any issues with the ex in private, make sure the kids are not even close to earshot. Also, make sure that you are both on board with scheduling. This specifically includes birthdays and holidays where traditions may have to be tweaked. Settle all of this as far in advance as possible and keep a visible calendar so the children don’t feel surprised about any changes.
Listen to the children. This really should be number one. Kids are people too, and if possible, try to get them involved on some of the new decisions (you may regret this). If you’ve narrowed down the apartment search to a couple options, let the kids see them and get their opinion. Who doesn’t love to be asked their opinion? Also, make sure that they are able to maintain relationships with friends who lived by their old house.
Know your limitations. Even if you are the one who wants the divorce, there are still going to be hard times when you miss “whatever”.
One thing that I did with the two oldest was sit them down and explain that their mother was not being left with nothing. I explained about splitting bank accounts and other assets, that I was leaving her both cars and nearly all the furniture, and was providing child support for the two younger kids. I don’t know if it put their minds at ease at all, but it was worth a shot.
First court date was a few weeks ago, final hearing’s in February.
And I insisted that HE leave. Whether I can keep the house depends on the bank’s willingness to refinance. So I don’t know yet.
But — wow — the relief!!
It’s wonderful.
On a related note, the Huffington Post can bite me. Their new “Divorce” section looked like it should be a useful/insightful resource. It isn’t. All divorcees aren’t just bored and looking to hop into someone else’s bed. And sometimes children thrive when their parents give up on their marriage and move on with their lives.
And apparently I’m supposed to be despondent? I’m not. Even the Kay Jewelers Christmas ads fail to depress me :).
I used to be sad. Stuck. Limited. Misunderstood. Judged inadequate. Failed.
Now I’m free
And I’m painting my kitchen lavender. Looks totally fabulous.
My neighbor divorced her no-good husband some years ago and moved into an apartment, starting new, etc. and she was SO happy after being miserable for so long. I think it was confusing to her kid to see mom being this new, happy person, and in new surroundings. But it worked out relatively well because after she was free, she had energy and incentive to get up and get on with life, and that apartment did become a happy happy home. As long as you pay a lot of attention to your son and help him work his way through this bad time, I think you, too, can have a happy happy home, your feelings should rub off on him. Good luck!
Thank you!
And you know, our son is doing worlds better! His father is giving him the attention he always wanted. He loves to spend time at Daddy’s. To which I say, I’m delighted for you to be there, and I’m still available whenever you want me!
His twin sister strongly prefers my company at this point and doesn’t want to stay tyhe night at his place. I hope their relationship improves, and in the meantime we’re having fun.
And the calm is nice - ONE child is SO much easier to handle than twins. Mine are in first grade and a when they get going they’re a force of nature! I had a stomach virus the other day, spent most of it puking in the bathroom. Meanwhile the twins trashed his bedroom. Oranges! Oranges on the floor, curtain yanked out of the window, crayons and Pokemon everywhere. My Mom had come by to check on me & noticed how much fun they were having. Goofballs
I was reading this thread not noticing it was a year old until I got to your update.
It sounds like you already have a plan laid out for moving forward, but if you don’t mind some more anecdotal advice . . .
. . . my folks divorced when I was 21 (9 years ago). Dad moved out of state for work, and they both sold the house and split the income. Mom ended up renting for quite a few years, and finally bought a home three or so years ago.
I was talking to mom the other day, and she’s been saying that her biggest regret in dealing with the divorce was selling the house. Obviously, depending on what you owe on yours, your income, etc etc, it might make a lot of sense to sell.
In mom’s case, because she really wanted to own a home again, she’s now in her mid 50s with a fresh mortgage, and it’s tough financially.
At the time it felt good for her to both move and get that ‘new start,’ and was the simplest way to become financially independant from my dad, but it ended up being a major decision that will affect her finances for the rest of her life.
Aaanyway . . . I’m a “things” sort of person like your son. I got rid of a lot when we sold the house, but I also kept a lot of things, and my folks were good enough to keep some boxes for me in each of their apartments/houses (and still are), and I’ve been slowly taking some things back as I move into more spacious and more (semi)permanent living situations.