So why am I still Single?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Many married (or otherwise spoken for) women claim incredulity and cannot comprehend why I am single. Modesty forbids me to enumerate the attractive qualities they ascribe to me, but I assure you they are both extensive and flattering.

And yet I’m ignored by most single women that I know, both in real life and on the boards (with a notable exception, you know who you are!).

This isn’t a whine or a complaint. I’m very happy with my life and with who I am. It’s a request for information. According to some, I should be innundated with interest; clearly this is not the case.

People here should have some basis to answer this question: I’ve posted almost 1300 messages on this board and my web site is part of my profile. I’m interested in brutal honesty here; I assure you I am sufficielty self-confident to hear your opinion. And I’m not interested in being defensive; you may say what you will without fear of dispute (at least from me).

2

You’re just lucky, I guess. :wink:

3

Let me ask a few questions… I could probably do a search and find the answers but I’m on my way out to lunch and don’t have time.

How long have you been divorced?

Have you dated since the divorce? How often and how many different women?

Do you know what you want for yourself in the future? What kind of goals do you have set for yourself - remarriage, more kids, different job, different house, etc.

We need to hook up on ICQ and chat about this because I know what it’s like!! Talk to ya soon! :slight_smile:

4

Because you live too far away.

5

Single Dad - Could it be that you’re flirting-impaired? That perhaps women are coming on to you and you don’t recognize it. I no that has happened to me. I sort of need to be hit over the head with a baseball bat (with the words “I’M INTERESTED, STUPID!” printed on it) before I get the picture.

StG

6

I know I’m a newbie here but I have been reading the board for a few months and your posts have always stood out among the many. I have looked at your web page and I have to say I’m impressed. You have beautiful children and are happy with your life, you are obviously a lucky man and you are a cutey also! :wink:

Maybe you just haven’t met anyone who would appreciate you like you should be. I say just kick back and enjoy your life like you already seem to be doing and see what happens. I know I dont’ know you personally but that’s my opinion. I’ve been told though I know what I’m talking about. :wink: If I were single and lived in Colorado I would definately be looking you up!

7

It’s a well-known fact that women only fall for assholes. Find yourself a nice girl, make it perfectly clear that you’re only out to get laid, hit her, tell her she’s fat, hit on her roommate/sister/best friend as much as possible, then ditch her. Once word gets around about what a cock you are, BAM! You’ll have chicks all over you.

8

It is a mystery. I could never figure out why it wasn’t until after I was married that women at work flirted with me. Try digging out your old wedding band, put it on, and go out to a singles bar and see what happens.

9

I’ve been separated since Sept. '90; The annullment was final in Feb '91.

Yes, I’ve dated since the divorce, about couple dozen in-person dates. I’ve had one semi-serious close-by relationship and a couple of serious long-distance relationships. It’s been three or four years since my last significant relationship.

Yes, I know what I want. I like my career, but I plan to move and change careers when my youngest child is grown (n about 5 years) and my space and income needs are no longer paramount. Once they’re grown, my geographical location is not important.

I don’t want father any children (my two children are adopted), but I have no difficulty with someone who already has children. I do want a serious monogamous relationship; marriage is certainly an option.

10

Seems that you have a lot going for you. I see many factors, that could complicate. When I was first divorced I had two young daughters. I had to consider that they were watching who I dated, and I had to be certain not to set a bad example. You too are probably more selective than you might be if you were not a dad, but that’s a good thing.
Also though your “cult” experiences were not that bad, it might just be a little “icky” to some women, especially ones with strong religious up-bringing, or closed minds (again not a bad thing). I think it is mostly the fiction we are all taught that there is someone for everyone, and you need someone to be happy etc. that screws up the minds of most of us, and contributes to much misery.
I would not be so concerned with what is wrong with you since there are a lot of wonderful guys that are lonely, there are also a lot of ass-holes who are loved by beautiful talented women. It’s just the way it is.
Happy Hunting
blueslady

11

I suppose some women might steer clear because of your username. Some aren’t interested in dating someone with kids already. (those type of women wouldn’t be right for you anyway).

The distance would be a big factor. Long distance relationships are hard to do.

But mainly I think it’s because no one wants you to be forced to change your name to FormerlySingleDad.

I don’t know why the women you work with wouldn’t pay more attention to you. Have you tried asking any out? A lot of women still have the notion that the guy is supposed to ask.

Honestly, I don’t see any reason why women wouldn’t want to date you. You’re intelligent and articulate, have a nice sense of humor, a healthy sense of confidence. You all seem to be sympathetic and willing to see things from other people’s point of view. Seems like you’re a good catch.

12

Seriously though, SingleDad, AndYrAStar and RonaldBarnhardt are on to something that really is attractive to the majority of women:

  1. High sense of self worth

  2. Unavailability

  3. Women tend to be attracted to the “asshole” type, not because women like jerks, but moreso that the asshole in question appears to be quite a catch. He can’t be bothered to follow her around like a faithful puppy dog. He has too much going on in his life. He’s highly sought after - his calendar is full. He’s mysterious. Is he interested? She’s not really sure. He seems dangerous, kinda cagey.

That “nice guy” finishes last is really quite true in the overall sense. Women want a challenge, not the easy man. Exhibit some sense of mystery, don’t be too easy to have, too easy to meet, to easy to figure out.

  1. The married man is sexy because somebody else found them attractive enough to keep forever. Also, he presents no real threat and can be flirted with playfully, with no expectations, no commitment issues. He’s also a challenge. Plus, when a man is married, he tends to relax a bit and the look of desperation is gone. Desperation and wanting can be sniffed out a mile away. Self-confidence and cockiness is called for in high dosages.

Be an “asshole” as far as that goes, play hard to get, develop some machismo and some mystery.

Trust me, women don’t want the quiet sensitive nice guy. We wanna be thrown on the bed and told what to do.

Generally speaking, of course. :evil

13

SD, I really don’t know what to tell you. I hear the same thing a lot myself, but I have one obvious attribute (my weight) that I can point the finger at.

You don’t strike me as being needy or desperate. You don’t have a chip on your shoulder. You aren’t shopping for a list of traits while ignoring the core personality. From your pictures, you are attractive (I dig the beard), and from your posts, you are scintillatingly intelligent, witty, and compassionate.

I’d be making arrangements to kidnap you while I was in Denver, but I don’t want to leave your kids high and dry. From what I wrote in lswote’s ill-fated thread, you pretty much meet all the criteria of what I’d want/need in a man. The only thing I can think is that maybe St. Germain is onto something. I’ve known men who had to be tripped, dragged back to a cave, and tied up to get the hint.

I’m telling you, if it weren’t for the geography, you’d have to beat me off with a stick.

14

I definitely don’t want an asshole… been there done that… but hey, feel free to throw me on the bed :wink:

15

Since you asked, I don’t think this is the case. If any single woman says she has actually tried to flirt with me and I haven’t picked it up, I would change my mind.

This was a problem for me when I was younger; I was very shy about showing a woman I was interested. I figured this out, though. The fact that I do go on dates at all, however, shows that I’m at least sometimes capable of picking up on interest.

Thanks for the suggestion, but I’m really not capable of even trivial deception.

I appreciate the implied compliment (that I’m not an asshole) but I’m not interested in a woman who would fall for one.

That is certainly the case, and that’s what I’m doing (and quite happy to do so). I’m just curious about the disparity between the opinion of the married women (that I’m such a great catch) and the reality of the lack of interest from most single women I meet.

16

I know I had the devil’s own time trying to get any females to give me a second chance. Most women see guys who are overweight as not worth an effort. So I really didn’t bother after a while looking, gave up, got depressed and everything. I was still a big flirt, and did it a lot online. That’s where I met my wife. :slight_smile: Naturally, she wasn’t from the state I live in, she’s from Kentucky. Naturally she was in a point in her life to make a big change in her life. She stayed. Or I didn’t return her :wink:

My problem was women here in my home state just didn’t care. Pathetic. I had to import one :slight_smile:

17

lucyfur: There’s no denying that while I certainly have a high sense of my own worth, I’m not unavailable, mysterious, coy, macho, nor dangerous.

Not to be immodest, but could the disparity described in the OP occur because a woman forms a relationship with such a guy, and then realizes that she’s missed an opportunity to find someone sincere, open and honest? After a woman starts a relationship with the unavailable, mysterious, coy, macho dangerous guy, it seems logical that he’s going to remain unavailable, mysterious, coy, macho and dangerous, and he will still have a full date calendar.

An interesting story: About 10 years ago, I met this woman. We talked a while, I asked her out and she agreed. We had a wonderful date, lots of talking, laughing, eye contact, touching. I walked her to her apartment, and she invited me in. Once we were inside, she acted like I didn’t exist; she even turned on the TV and started to watch the news. I became confused and left. Puzzling over this rapid change, I decided to call her up and ask why she had suddenly become so cold to me. She said that she was hoping I would rape her (no exaggeration; her kink was forcefulness to the point of non-consensuality).

The really drippingly ironic aspect to this story is that this woman was a hard-core leftist radical. Among other things, she told me she was considering becoming a “political lesbian” because of the inherent oppressive nature of the male sex.

18

Okay SingleDad. Next time we go out, I’ll keep a watchful eye on you. If I catch you not noticing inbound flirtation, I will immediately alert you to it.

Although it is 100% platonic in fashion, I find your personality to be distinctively attractive. You exude intelligence and a quick wit to boot. I am proud to be in your acquaintance.

For the record, that chick was freaky. I certainly hope that you tore that number up.

19

SingleDad - Unbelievable regarding your whacked out victim-wannabe, it takes all kinds, I guess. Wow!

If you’re going for quantity of women to choose from, and the possibility of getting laid more, turning on the asshole personality is a must. Women dig it. They’re turned on by it. Not many will admit to it. It isn’t politically correct. But a little bad boy, danger is called for in these scenarios.

I am not advocating that you turn into a monster, that you beat women. Let’s move past the initial, knee-jerk response to hearing “asshole” type. It’s more of an attitude adjustment. Don’t give over too much, don’t bend to her wishes. Open her door for her, sure. Buy her a rose. Call her ma’am, or little lady. Think Cowboy. Think strong silent type. I’d say, throw in some of this dark mystery. Add it to your repertoire like seasoning. Don’t become a jerk. Just add a little spice. Read a romance novel, one of those really sappy formula types, and you’ll get a sense of what type of romancing a woman is really looking for.

Remember, I’m not advocating you really becoming an “asshole” in the overused sense in our society. I’m advocating men becoming less pussified than they have been lately. We want men, not snivelling ladies.

SingleDad - I don’t know you, and am certainly not calling you pussified, but I do know what attracts the ladies. Many won’t admit to this, but I will.

20

As I read through this thread, I came up with three possible responses. I couldn’t decide which one to post, so I’ll give you all three:
Response # 1: The SDMB “inside-joke” response

From the Hags of the Straight Dope thread:

SingleDad, don’t you know by now that whining is not what ladies look for in a man?
Response # 2: The wink-wink-nudge-nudge-hint-hint response

SingleDad and phouka sitting in a tree!
f-l-i-r-t-i-n-g!
Response # 3: The honest and caring response aka the real response

Ack! Whatever you do, don’t “be an asshole.” Strong, smart, intelligent women don’t want that. (Unless they have “issues” or something.)

The the nice guy does not finish last. He just appears to be trailing behind in the first couple of laps. The asshole might be a better sprinter, but the nice guy has the endurance. (whoa! holy double entendre!) In the end, the nice guy will finish first while the asshole is collapsed by the side of the track, puking, wearing one of those silver space-blanket thingies.

My wonderful husband is a super-nice and sweet and friendly guy, and couldn’t act like an “asshole” if he trained for a year. He wears his heart on his sleeve…and his face…and his words. And ya know what? He ended up with me, and if I don’t say so myself, I’m the gnarliest wife ever. (now that’s an inside joke between the two of us, but lemme tell you, when he calls me gnarly…well, he means it in the very best sense of the word.) If you don’t believe me, ask Billdo.

As for the disparity between the apparent opinions of the married and the single women:
It is simply this. The women who are or have been married will a much better idea of what makes a good husband/partner. There’s no better school than experience.

Somebody made the point earlier that a married woman is also much freer to flirt. This is absolutely true. If I wrote “I’m gonna hop the next plane to Denver…” you would instantly take it as the innocent flirt that it was. A single woman might be afraid that you would think that she is a psycho stalker or something.
I’m sure you will find a great unattached woman who is smart enough to see you as somebody who is an excellent prospect for a long-term relationship.

And you’re not alone, BTW. The greatest single guy I know is still single. I can’t figure that one out either. :confused: