Dang! We’ll just have to paint the whole area yellow, then, so there won’t be any nonyellow objects for GL to pick up.
Of course, then GL will see that we’ve painted everything yellow and won’t go near the place. Drat. We’ll just have to paint the whole Earth yellow while GL is sleeping.
In that Marvel What If?, Frank Castle’s family were (accidently) killed in the collateral damage from one of the Avenger’s battles. So instead of having a berserk hatred of gangsters, the Punisher goes after Marvel’s superhumans, good and evil.
And he kills them all!
ALL! Not just the moderately powered ones like Daredevil, but all the big guns: The Fantastic Four, Thor, the Hulk, Dr. Strange, etc. etc. DR DOOM only presents a modest amount of difficulty!
I believe that the Punisher is Marvel’s answer to Batman in the “no special powers but unbelievably competent” category.
So you want any superhero killed? Transport the Punisher to the proper dimension, and hypnotize him into thinking that that hero is responsible for his familiy’s death.
(Of course Punisher VS Batman would be the ultimate battle; maybe DC and Marvel could collaborate on a one-year rampage through both universes story arc. p) )
Put Nightcrawler’s ankle in a bear trap in a really dense rainforest. If he teleports anywhere, he’ll wind up spiking himself on a stray branch. If he teleports straight up, he’ll be too woozy from the broken ankle pain (It’s a big bear trap) to do anything but crash land, break the other leg, and be in essentially the same dilemma all over again.
As for Captain Marvel–sew Billy Batson’s lips together and smack the shit out of him with a bat.
As for Black Canary–peanut allergy notwithstanding–last I heard, the “Invasion” altered her Sonic Scream so it’s so strong, her head will explode. If that’s been retconned or changed, I don’t know about it. So just hit her toe with a metal baton, and when she screams, well, flying brain slurpee!
Colossus? Bind his waist, wrists and ankles with piano wire. When he tries to transform to his larger metal form, he’ll bisect his torso and lose his hands and feet! Hmm, might want to slip one around his neck, too…
Oh yeah? I’d like to see you come up with a better sadistic masturbatory fantasy, Mac.
Or is it the peanut oil that bothers you? Yeah, it all starts to make sense now; you’re no doubt one of those fundamentalist anti-legume reactionaries. Well for your information, peanut oil has a long and distinguished history in America, having been invented by noted supergenius George Washington Carver, pioneer of agriculture and masturbation technology.* The first diesel engine was powered by peanut oil; bet you didn’t know that, did you? Even today, peanut oil is used to manufacture such diverse products as soap, paint, furniture polish, insecticide, and even nitroglycerine! So you could also use peanut oil indirectly to kill superheroes, by attacking them with nitroglycerine. If you’re confronted by an insectoid mutant, why not try some peanut oil-derived insecticide? What’s that? You say you were able to destroy that earth-based elemental by dissolving it with soap? Thank peanut oil, which is responsible for that thick, foamy lather. And after the donnybrook is over, peanut-oil furniture polish will renew the deep luster of your secret lair’s expensive hardwood floor.
Peanut Oil: It’s Not Just for Killing Superheroes Anymore.
*Some of these facts may be lies.
Wow…Which issue “What if” was that in, exactly?
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(Of course Punisher VS Batman would be the ultimate battle; maybe DC and Marvel could collaborate on a one-year rampage through both universes story arc. p) ) **
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They DID do a Punisher vs. Batman crossover once, apparently. I saw the paperback collection in a local used book store…I didn’t see who “won,” though. But I’m guessing it was a “draw”…does anyone here remember?
There were 2 - one in which Punisher met the Jean Paul Valley Batman, and one with Bruce Wayne. I recally that Bruce handed Frank his ass pretty readily, but I’m not too sure what happened with the other Batman.
The Punisher story is a stand alove graphic novel titled Punisher Kills the Marvel Universe.
I’d like to step on the Atom, and feed his corpse to my cat. The character irritates me.
Krokodil, Nightcrawler got out of a similar deal once in Uncanny X-Men #146 or 147, IIRC. It was the storyline with Arcade and Dr. Doom collaborating and folks like Havok, Polaris, and Sean Cassidy (Banshee without powers at the time) had to help out.
Nightcrawler was imprisoned in Doom’s castle after being knocked out or drugged, he had no idea how far underground he was so he “bamfed” straight up, at least a mile maybe more, as fara as he could manage anyway. He then “bamfed” up in small teleports to counteract his falling velocity and to steer himself toward a nearby lake. He still landed hard but he got out.
Now if the same trick were tried on Magneto’s Asteroid M base in space (is that thing still around, I’m out of the loop comicwise), it might work.
As for the Atom or Ant-Man or the Wasp or any other shrinking hero I’d try a combined attack of Sentinels and poisonous homing nanotech machines. One threat is so large that it could be overkill, but while fighting the giant robots, send in billions of attackers even smaller than the hero in question. They couldn’t withstand attacks by both, if they tried to hide inside the Sentinels, the nanobots would follow, isolate, and destroy them.
*widdershins,
I remember that story well. Victor neglected to break Kurt’s leg with a bear trap, which would make a decisive difference. Also, Kurt kept BAMFing upwards until he hit an updraft, which required a degree of concentration that one or two broken legs would make difficult.
Asteroid M was destroyed in the Avengers vs X-Men miniseries in the 80s. There could be a new one, though.
I’ve got it! Lock them ALL in a room and play loud American Rock and/or Rap music. They’ll all break down, go nuts and start killing each other!
Oh, wait. That would only work for Iraqui superheros. And maybe Captain America whose tastes might not have moved with the times.
Oh no it wouldn’t! Asteroid M is an orbital asteroid base. Or-bi-tal. Pop quiz, hotshot: how fast does an object have to be travelling to be in a Low Earth Orbit?
[sub]answer: about 7800 meters per second, or 17500 miles per hour[/sub]
Aquaman is begging for a desert grave. The new makeover with the watery hand is lame. This is the third time they’ve tried to sex Aquaman up - the blue costume, the harpoon hand and beard, and now the Lady of the Lake hand. Time to dry him out, I think.
And Martian Manhunter needs to be ripped to shreds by Despero, and buried in a tomb on Mars. A green Martian dressed in a cap, crossed suspenders, underpants and pirate boots has no place outside of the 1950s.
Ben Reilly, the “Spider-Clone.”
Yeah, he’s dead already, but he’s one corpse that needs double-killin.’
A “Dust Buster” with a bayonet would probably suffice, I suppose.
You just hit on one of the things that really bugs me about the new JL cartoon. The guy is a shapeshifter but he assumes a green skinned “super-heroish” appearance just as inhuman as his supposed “natural” appearance with the pointy skull.
Regarding Martian Manhunter
I seem to recall a alternate future where he was killed by having all his atoms split one by one. This process provided power for all of Las Vegas for a year! Seems that’s the only way to kill a shapeshifter like him. At least, that’s the only way I can think off.
Sorry, a miscommunication in my post, tracer. The “trick” I was refering to trying to kill him by trapping Nightcrawler so that he couldn’t safely teleport “blind”. If he tried the same tactic, to teleport straight “up” as far as he could to avoid the possibility reappearing inside another object, being in space and going from a room in a pressurized space station to the vacuum of space wouldn’t be too healthy for him in addition to the velocity problem you mentioned. I should have elaborated more.
I still say that if you can lure Nightcrawler into a dense forest it won’t hamper him as much as Krokodil believes, even if you do manage to injure or break his leg in a bear trap first. Now if it were done in the Danger Room where there was a scenario involving the room’s shape and dimensions constantly changing and perhaps diorientating him with gas and disguising the shifting space in the room with holograms. All of that on top of a broken leg might work. But if you had the facilities of the Danger Room (or something similar) at your disposal, why use mere bear traps to break his leg?
Punisher: Shoot him with a REALLY,REALLYREALLY REALLY REALLYBig gun.
And wear Really Good Armor.
What’s with every super hero getting beefed up lately, esp the ones with worthless powers?*
It’s like around 1980 someone at marvel said “Wait. All the flash can do is run fast! Unless… he has super vibratory powers that can asplode stuff! BOOM! No deaths for him!”
Wonder what other superheros we can rescue from worthlessness?
Aquaman: “All I do is talk to fish. Yeah, that’s about it. Good thing one of those fish is the Leviathan! Ha! Who’s laughing now, Dr. Evil?”
You can take it from here.
Furthermore, why have a “Justice League” or “Superfriends” without any kind of weaknesses? If any of the superheros could manage the villains by themselves, why band together? Are there really THAT many violent alien races keen on conquering earth for our vast supply of Roseanne episodes? Why are there potentially earth destroying threats on a daily basis now, but not before the heroes got together?
There’s only one conclusion: in order to ensure their own continued employment, the “Justice League” is contracting out alien races/natural disasters to threaten the earth. Discuss.
*Note: I am not a comic geek, so most of this stuff is mere conjecture extrapolated from what I overhear. So don’t bite my head off just cuz I didn’t attend “ComicCon '63, when Spiderman got magical powers by licking peanut oil off Wonder Woman to save her life.”
My personal favorite would be the Mr. Snow charactor from the title Planetary. Taken from the “Iceman” superhero concept, about as wimpy as they come (he gets a score of -3 on the Robin-o-meter of superhero wimpiness), give him excellent writing and you have one of the most powerful men on the planet.
Kill him? simple teleport him into space, or something.
Oh, you meant getting their powers beefed up. I thought for a moment you meant “why are they so much more buff than they were in, say, the early 60s”. 
I think the “weakness” thing is a bit of a cliche that it avoided nowadays. Superman no longer has to worry about every mugger finding a piece of kryptonite, the newest Green Lantern’s ring doesn’t inexpliciably fail against yellow objects, Wonder Woman is no longer powerless against any man who can bind her wrists and coat her with peanut oil. 
Yes, it does seem as if superheros don’t spend much time capturing bank robbers dressed in pinstripe suits and carrying tommy guns like they used to. I’m not sure exactly why, but if you take the premise that comic books are a modern form of morality tale, then it seems that our culture no longer has the same fears and concerns of previous generations. Sure there were always stories of alien invaders, but they were pretty much stock characters for the heroes to beat up and run out of town on a rail. The current “apocalypse a year” ultra-dramas would suggest that we’re much less secure than previous generations. Before we feared something threatening peace and order- now we fear something threatening our very survival.