When I was a kid, I declared myself His Supernal Majesty King Matthew I, by the Grace of God, King of the Most Serene and Excellent Kingdom of Nikhedonia, Duke of Cubiculum Borealis and Nabob of the Nikhedon Islands.
His Divine and Imperial Majesty God-King Richard, Lord Of All He Surveys, Master of the Universe.
Which is, in fact, what I am.
It would depend. If I thought I might soon be overthrown, I would call myself President-for-life of the Revolutionary People’s Democratic Republic of X.
If I thought I could make it stick, I would go for Emperor of A, King of B, Principe de C, Arch-Duke of D, Grand Duke of E, Duke of F, GrossFurst von G, Furst von H, Landgrave von I, Margrave von J, Marquess of K, Count of L, Viscount of M, Freiherr von N, Baron of O, Lord of P, Knight of Q, Esquire of R. Also a string of military and naval titles and academic initials.
I always liked Grand Duchess. Then I can use a lorgnette and wear ropes of pearls to work.
I decided to jazz it up a little:
Sovereign of the Gulf Coast, Scourge of the Waifs, Scintillating Jewel of the Everglades, All-Knowing, All-Seeing Chief Emissary of His Noodly Appendage, HYPNO-TOAD the First, Last and Greatest, Alpha Dog and Omega Man, Enduring Visage of Plenipotentiary Might, Living Standard of Magnificence, Baron of Modesty.
Galactus.
I will of course be referred to by my adoring public as “Go Fuck Yourself”, thus utterly confusing any attempted coup-organisers when they ask who exactly is in charge here.
A masterful strategy, first advocated in Machiavelli’s classic text The Go Fuck Yourself.
His Serene Magnificence, Master of All He Surveys, Keeper of the Peace
And for less formal occasions, Himself.
Most of North America and Parts of Europe: The Boss.
In Hawaii: Da Boss
In South and Central America and parts of Europe: El Jefe
You get the idea.
I’ve always wanted to be an Empress.
Beware… you may be mistaken for the incumbent Vice President of the United States.
For myself, I’m tempted to go with “His Grace the Duke of Fraestead, WILLIAM, Lord Silvertharn, Protector of Sulbran-Ult,” the name of my AD&D paladin long ago. But for some reason “God-Emperor” just has a ring to it…
His Royal Tip Toppyness
His Majesticness, Wargamer the First, Sovreign of the Seas, Lord of the Lands, Ruler of Quantum Space, Protector of the Freedon Marches, Defender of the Faiths, and Devout Patron of the BBQ Grill.
That should just about cover it.
Imperatrix Bruin, smiter of Trojans.
I always liked The Lady. Classic simplicity.
The bigger your title, the more rinky-dink your country. Everybody knows that.
I will settle for Viceroy, First Lord of the Admiralty, and Chevalier du Fromage*.
*Knight of Cheese
The Chosen One, Anointed by God, Supreme Potentate, Biggus Dickus!
“Viceroy” means you’re representing an absent monarch, not that you are one yourself.
I always thought the KKK had a penchant for creating clever names. I’d go with Imperial Wizard.