So You've Co-opted a Human: An Ownership Guide for Cats

It was late last night – must have been a quarter of three in the morning. I was soundly asleep when I was awakened by a noise. It wasn’t loud or disturbing in any way – it was barely even audible – but it was one of those sounds that you immediately recognize as familiar, even mundane, yet completely out of the moment’s context. That’s what tweaked my brain out of its slumber. It was a soft, periodic shushing noise accompanied by a whispering murmur. A turning of pages and a silent reading of passages to oneself. But there was no one awake to be reading – and there was no light by which to do so in any event. Slowly, cautiously, I grabbed a small flashlight that I keep by the bed, aimed it in the direction of the sound, and turned it on.
Tilly, my youngest cat, was so startled that her spectacles leaped from her head; the book she was reading dropped to the ground. After a deer-in-the-headlights moment, Tilly turned and bolted off to parts unknown, embarassed beyond her ability to dismiss with a simple look and a sniff.
How remarkable, I thought as I rousted myself out of bed to have a closer look at the book. It lay open on the floor at the foot of the bed; Tilly hadn’t managed to read very far in. I turned it over. The simple black Times font on the front announced its title:

So You’ve Co-opted a Human: An Ownership Guide for Cats

The careworn cover was plain and unassuming. The pages were yellowed and dog-eared. There was no attribution, no picture, not even a description or blurb on the back. Curious, I turned to the preface.

Well, I thought as I closed the book and tucked it into a secure spot for later review. This certainly explains a lot.

Yes. It does. :smiley:

I bet if I looked hard enough, I would be able to find a copy …
maybe under the bed ?

Shucks…my cats keep a copy of the book right by the litterboxes. They have been very open about it all.

Ah, this would explain why our 13 year old cat only recently started using his “laryngitis” meow; he only just read “Chapter 23: Using Pity for Fun and Profit.

One of the top whimsical OP’s of all time! Mindfield, Thanks :smiley:

Heh, I’m fairly certain my cat co-authored that book!

Either it hasn’t been translated into French yet - or at 13 weeks he’s too young to read :wink:

::claps enthusiastically:: Bravo!

Oh, he can read. He’s merely too young to be good at it yet. Make no mistake though: He is practising. Don’t be surprised the next time you suddenly lose your desire to eat the rest of your tunafish sandwich.

If you suspect your cat has been getting out at night to prowl the lecture circuit, you just might have something there.

Are you sure that isn’t the “public” version they allow you to see? Does it look like someone took a sharpie and redacted the hell out of it?

Thank you. ::bows:: I’d do a book signing, but there is a very large manx following me around all of a sudden, and I fear for my life.

Niiice kitty. Goooood kitty. SweeeAAAAHHH OH GOD GET OFF ME!

Meow?

Mindfield, you fool! Now you and everyone who’s read this thread is doomed!

Beautifully written Mindfield

Unfortunately, I cannot take more time to respond to this since my feline overlords are trying to look over my shoulder. They have been going on instinct thus far and if they ever get their hands on this book I am doomed also.

Tilly says you will suffer the wrath of Catilla the Hun for that remark.

Au contraire, the revelations this book may hold may unlock the deepest secrets of catdom and give us the power to–

Wait. I have to go feed the cats. We’ll pick this up later.

Thank you. I have ensconced this thread in the sound of a plastic grocery bag being shaken vigorously. You may now speak freely.

If there is a copy around here, Dax has chewed it to shreds. I have to keep an eye on her in the office because she chews books.

Great OP, by the way!