Solve the World's Stupidest Family Argument

Please be warned I said this was stupid.

I shall start with the genesis of this argument/conversation. My wife and I were watching “When Good Pets Go Bad” or some such dreck. One segment featured an Animal Control officer attempting to subdue an agitated cat. He looked less than up to the task. The cat was clearly getting the better of him. I opined that he was a wuss and no seven pound kitty should be a problem. My wife felt otherwise.

I started the maelstrom by saying I thought I could handle X amount of cats bare handed if my life depended on it. She scoffed and named a much lower number. So as to preserve impartiality I will leave the numbers out of it for now. This boast gradually evolved into a supposition with very concrete rules.


The Rules

If you were locked into a gymnasium with your average sized house cats how many could you overcome. These cats would be posessed of an unearthly desire to do you harm in any way they could. They would not, however be sentient and capable of planning and guile.

You would be wearing: Jeans, an undershirt, a flannel shirt, work boots and a baseball cap. No weapons are allowed. This is a theoretical fight to the death.

Please note that I love cats and have two of my own. This is an incredibly stupid scenario which has engendered answers all over the map. I am only seeking to develop a doper consensus to settle the matter. No harming of cats is stated or implied.

So how many?

I think my answer, not to brag, is more suitable than any number.


Well I don’t suppose there is any why to it. It is more in the spirit of the Atomic Badger vs. Batman style of post.

This one however stemmed from an unwise boast on my part that spiralled out of control. I then proceeded to defend my position against all logic. It is just one of those things that needs to be put to rest.

I currently have 5 rather large cats. Granted, they love me, but I can wrestle them all to the ground and subdue them in no time, pill them or trim their nails. I’ve captured them outdoors too, on the rare occasions when they try to escape my clutches.

But seriously, I think I need clarification. What exactly do I have to do to the kitties? Grab them and put them in a cat carrier? Give them a pill or a shot? Just subdue them? Catch them? Please clarify.

Less than one, just the cat dander would kill me in under a half hour.

Achoo! Achoo!

** A A A C H O O O ! **

So as not to get too morbid here lets say you have to toss them in a big wire cage.

I sympathize, that’s about how my battle with a single shrimp would go.

When my daughter had to catch one of her cats to take it to the vet, it took four of us.

Work boots, eh?

Several dozen, assuming the rules allow me to swing the boots by their laces.

Not to hurt them, of course! Just to stun them!

When I saw this thread, I opened it just to see if “stupidest” was modifying “argument” or “family.”

Anyway, sounds like the animal-control officer was trying to capture the cat alive. That’s a different task from killing it outright. Cats have claws, and they can inflict a goodly amount of pain. If it were a life-or-death struggle, sure, you could kill it. But first you’d have to catch it, and that’s where the cat would have the advantage.

It would make a biiiiiig difference if I had to not hurt them. If I could take them out, it would be an infinite number. If I had to be gentle, then I would probably be a bloody mess before I could get 6 or 7 of them into a cage.

Or what SANDYLicous said.

If you mean how many cats you could kill before they killed you, then quite alot i would imagine. A well placed kick would probably take one out without putting you in much danger. If you mean pick them up and put them in a box while they actively try to kill you, then likely not a single one.

Killing cats. No weapons. Cats in the gymnasium and can’t escape. Not sentient nor capable of planning or guile. (Just how realistic is that last one?)

Like theendisnear, I postulate that a well placed kick could deal with one or two without much difficulty. The difficulty would be multiple attacks simultaneously. And for that you would need to move fast or back up against a wall. It occurs to me that cats have a rather useful posterior appendage which could be used as a handle. Thus dead cat #1 becomes weapon #1. Dead cat #2 could become missile #1. (And so on in a “101 uses for a dead cat” kind of a way.) Once in the swing of things (so to speak) I think that it should be possible to clear a gymnasium floor of average sized household moggies. But a lot depends on their tactical abilities, their propensity to fear and the possibility of simultaneous attack. With such unquanitifed unknowns an exact solution is unlikely to be found to this problem.

Johnny Bravo, your “swinging boots” scenario made me laugh out loud.

For the record, I love cats. If the object of the game is to safely put them into wire cages, I could probably do 4, maybe 5. Cat claws are like razors, I’m not sure how long my face and hands would last.

BUT, if the object of the game is to simply subdue them in any way possible, I think I could take on a much higner number, in the dozens perhaps. A flying bellyflop could take out 3 or 4 at a time.

j_sum1, I don’t know if you had this in mind when you posted your 101 uses for a dead cat comment, but I couldn’t resist this link:

From The MyCatCenter Bookstore: 101 Uses for a Dead Cat

You didn’t specify if all the cats would attack simultaneously or like two at a time. This is rather hard to judge as the only time I’ve had to deal with a cat embedding it’s claws in me is when it’s trying to get away.

Nevertheless, put me down for 5-6 cats in an all out brawl. If they’re kittens, then 50.

If it’s only a couple of cats at a time using Johnny Bravo’s aforementioned boot fu to keep them at a distance, then several dozen before succumbing to blood loss. Again, if we’re talking kittens then the number is estimated to be in the thousands.

Isn’t this similar to the final showdown scene in Stephen King’s awful Sleepwalkers?

First, fruitbat, let me say that I want to party with you and Mrs. Bat. Mr. Del and I recently had a “heated discussion” (we don’t call them fights because they’re too dumb for that) about the driving distances that Bo and Luke had to travel to get to various locations in Hazard County.

I do have some questions about the scenario. If we’re in a gymnasium, does it have gym type stuff in it? So could the cats attack, and then retreat under the bleachers? I think a normal cat would use this fight strategy, so we couldn’t rule that out under the No “planning and guile” rule. 'Cause that would take a year and day for me to get even one cat. Or are they more like rabid cats that are ONLY attacking?

If they weren’t retreating, I’m guessing I could take on about 20 cats, if there was no time limit. I might give up out of frustration after that, but I don’t think I would be DEAD or anything drastic. I would probably be injured, but not mortally. Hmmm, maybe I would have cat scratch fever, but I guess that would happen later, not mid-fight.

Put me down for just one cat. I’ve dealt with a seriously pissed off cat before and it’s much more difficult than you’d imagine. Also, it’s pee-your-pants scary to have a jillion hooked claws, and yowling, spitting, twisting, fanged furiousnessness right up in your face.

All I was trying to do was to get my normally mild mannered cat into his carry box when my neighbor trooped in with her dog. The worst part of losing my ‘fight’ with the cat, was attempting to calm him enough to unhook his claws from my scalp. That feeling is the very definition of desperation.