Solve the World's Stupidest Family Argument

Look, as long as I don’t have to chase the cats down to catch them I could handle at least 20.

Remember this is a fight to the death. I assume that I can’t leave the arena until all the cats are dead (easy) or put in the cage. So basically, it’s how many cats could you keep putting into a cage before they killed you or crippled you. The answer is a lot if my life depended on it.

If it’s just normal day to day stuff and I’m trying not to get scratched up, not too many.


  1. They attack ravenously until a blow causes them great pain, at which point the hurt cat backs off to regroup

  2. They attack in this manner non-stop

  3. They attack as cats in the wild attack…they try to bite your jugular. This involves some serious clawing to either climb up you or make you fall

  4. No more than a dozen could logistically attack you at once

  5. It is a fight to the death

You’ll bleed to death in probably a half hour. Given the non-stop stream of attackers, you could probably stun one every 5 seconds. Figure a quarter of those stunning blows would be fatal.

It depends on when your adrenaline can no longer compensate for the exhaustion/blood loss.

I’d say…20. Or all of them if there were fewer than 30, but you’d likely die from blood loss afterwards.

With the caveat if you must survive the encounter? Even 10 could mortally wound you, so less than 10.

All of this is, of course, WAG.

IIRC the reason cats have shorter jaws than most dogs is so they generate greater force (for their size) - the same reason bulldogs are bred with short heads. Friend of mine picked up an injured cat which then bit his hand so hard it’s teeth met - had to squeeze its nose to get it to unlock - it made a great wound (remember the scar-off in Jaws?, you’re not going to top their tall tales of battling Great Whites on the seven seas by saying “…and I got this throwing cats into a basket in a gymnasium”)

Well I suppose I will have to concede to my wife. Her answer was fifteen as opposed to my one-hundred. The original scenario did indeed involve killing as an option. I figured if my life depended on it I could back into a corner.

To clarify further there is no gym equipment or bleachers, just a big empty room. I shall now slink away in shame as the clear loser of this heated discussion.

I could easily take out a couple hundred, depending on the size of the room.

One of my cats at home is (slightly) nuts, she will attack anybody for petting her sometimes, so I have vicious bites and i’m very used to dealing with her. Over the years I’ve gotten very good at not getting scratched, but I still get huge cuts from time to time. That being said, with jeans and boots. those cats would never make it past my legs.

This thread is cracking me up.

As far as an answer to the OP, I’d have to say only about two. I don’t know if that’s because cats are inherently evil or if it’s because I’m a big chicken, but that’s my number. I’ve watched SkipMagic try to get our two little fuckers out of the bedroom at night (granted, he’s wearing substantially less than the outfit described in the OP), and hell, I think that’s more than I could handle.

Otherwise, I’d just like to say how happy I am to know that Skip and I aren’t the only contenders for the Stupidest Family Argument Award ™. We have an ongoing disagreement about which is “classier”, Baskin Robbins or Dairy Queen. :smiley:

I am glad you are enjoying it Auntie Em. I would like to let you know two things. First, you are a wuss. :smiley: Second, the answer is clearly Baskin & Robbins. DQ attracts a shady crowd.

Fruitbat, you say “Wuss”, I say “Dog Person”. :wink:

Anyone else reminded of the ancient chinese method of neko ken training?

Are you kidding me? A 210lb human being with forearm muscles larger than the cats I’ll be wacking? Assuming this is combat until the death (very different than putting them in cages) I could easily kick each and every cat ass that dared to approach me. Granted a cat’s claws and teeth are sharp, but I don’t forsee being clawed and bitten to death myself as I’ll be striking, jumping, and smashing at limb distance. At worse I’ll suffer deep gouges to the face and arms after 100 or so cats have bitten the dirt. I don’t see myself becoming overwhelmed until I physically run out of energy.

Noooooooooooooo!!! Backing into a corner as a defensive strategy? That’s just plain crazy.

Hasn’t watching gunfights in Western movies taught you anything?

I can eat 50 cats.

I think this technique was in the “weirdest case scenario” handbook.

If you’re attacked by a pack of domestic cats:

  1. stay calm
  2. get on the floor face down on your knees, tuck your head in between your elbows to protect your face and stomach area.
    This will limit the cats’ attack to your back, feet, and arms.
    you will sustain heavy scratches to your back, hands, and arms.
  3. as cats attempt to attack your hands and arms, grab a cat, and (carefully so as not to expose your face to an attack) either wring it’s neck or smash it under your knees.
  4. follow this procedure until all the cats are dead
  5. if a cat is latched onto your back and you can’t reach it with your hands, roll over and smash the cat.
  6. seek proper medical treatment for your injuries.
  • If possible, go to the corner of the gymnaseum and place your head in the corner so as to limit the cats’ access to it.


Click the :eek: and feel free to continue reading…

or start at the beginning.

I actually know a factual answer to this (and it’s rather tramatic to witness when you’re eight.) If the cat has gone psychotic because of a brain tumor, it requires 2 police officers and 1 animal control officer to catch and kill it so they can be sure it doesn’t have rabies. Then the police appologize profusely for making fun of your mom for being scared enough of the “little kitty” to call them in the first place, after that you, your dad, and your baby brother go with mom to the e.r. so she can get a lot of stitches in her hand where the kitty tore her up. Don’t fuck with upset kitties.

Well, completely dispassionately I suppose I could take out quite a few of them. The jeans and boots are the key - denim’s really resistant to my cat’s attacks and boot leather can stand up to them forever. Let’s button that flannel shirt all the way up and turn up the collar to cover my neck. The first few that come for me get a swift boot, and then I use a pair of dead-cat-chucks to bludgeon a whole lot more of them. When the cat-chucks, ah, “wear out” I can pick up a couple more from the pile.

You expect me to roll into a ball and put my head in the corner? Do you realize what parts I’d be giving the cats the greatest access to?! [surprise]

I would guess that the answer actually depends on the fitness of the cat strangler.

I think that a fully fit adult male human could kill cats until he dropped from exhaustion. The same would be true for putting them in a cage, although the numbers for this would be lower, as it is harder work to be gentle.

I reckon I have a good hour’s full-on cat murdering in me. So that would be at least 60 cats.

You realise this will be on cable soon?

I would think that most people could have trouble with a single cat. You don’t think of them that way because you could go several human-lifetimes without ever being attacked in seriousness by a kitty cat, but think of walking into a room with an aggressive cat-sized Norway rat.

I watched one disembowel a full-grown german shepherd in about 35 seconds once. They are much stronger and faster than we tend to think they are.

Once upon a time I had a cat on a counter and he put his paw down over the counter-edge (in preparation to hop down, I think) JUST as I changed directions and whapped my hip up against the counter, crushing his paw pretty hard. He turned around and bit my hand in significantly more seriousness than I’ve ever been bitten by a cat before. Felt like I’d backslapped the bottom edge of the butcher-knife rack. Teeth bounced off bone. I was instantly an extra half-foot away from the counter, before I sucked my breath in. Damn hand ached for a week. Didn’t take him long and there was no follow-up.

Don’t be such wendys!

We’re talking pussy cats here, not cougars. Any decent blow from an adult male will kill a kitty-cat.

This is the sort of thing you can get an Arts Council grant for here in England.

No one has considered whether these are random cats, or cats that know one another and behave as a pack.

Random cats would be easier. A cat pack would interact more with each other, thus making the job more difficult.

Baskin Robbins is classier, but Marble Slab beats them both, hands down.