It doesn’t have to be perfect grammar (might even be best if it isn’t) but it should sound and read like something a homophobic Hispanic dude would say, and a little less like a monolingual Anglo’s fuzzy memory of what he said.
Well, I agree with the editor. I can’t tell what’s what. Is “eh se” supposed to be ese? Is the “to” English? Should “chingate hey” have a comma? Maybe italicize the Spanish words for easier parsing.
I guess it may not have been obvious from my OP, but I don’t know Spanish! I have a decent memory for the syllables I heard but it’s an approximation;
“eh se” might be “ese”, I don’t know… I heard people start off sentences with it pretty often. Where I wrote “to” (6th word) the sound was closer to “toe” than the English preposition “to”. Might have been “do” or maybe a contraction of some sort?