I’ve joined this site tonight because I have a lot of issues that I would like to get off of my chest and I’d like some advice and the opinions of anyone kind enough to reply. I’m not sure how to really do this so I’m just going to dive right in:
My parents separated when I was two and I never saw my father or his side of the family again. My mum took care of me and my brother with the help of my gran and papa.
My mum dated some men and she had 2 serious relationships - my brother and I got on well with one of them but didn’t like the other. When I was about 12 she met another man whose name was Mark - they dated for a while, got engaged and bought a house together.
Mark was a very unstable man who came out of the army and had a hard time coping with civilian life; he was a very controlling man with a bad temper. My mum is a lovely woman but at the time she lacked in confidence and wanted nothing more than to settle down, get married and live a peaceful life.
Mark and my mum had had a big argument one night and she then took an overdose - she was found and admitted to hospital and survived. When she came out of the hospital she did not have any time for my brother or I and only wanted to see Mark but they were continuing to argue and in fact they never really stopped arguing for the 7 years they were together.
My brother and I despised Mark. My brother is 3 years older that I am and he retreated into his shell, he spent most of his days locked up in his room playing an online game and never really spoke to anyone. I spent most of my day shouting and arguing with Mark and eventually my mother as well because I thought she was weak.
When I was about 15 I told them both that I was going to leave and it caused the family to break up - my grandparents and my mums sisters believed that Mark was not a nice man and he was turning my mum into a terrible person and when my mum didn’t allow me to go and live with my grandparents the entire family stopped speaking to her.
The arguments continued but I took a step back, I let them fight and didn’t get involved. When I was 16 I left home and moved in with my grandparents and I lived with them for about a year and a half.
My mum cut off contact with me but after about a year I called her and we had arranged to meet up, our relationship got better and eventually she told me that she wanted to break up with Mark but that she needed my help and she asked me to move back in. I did this and after a while the two of them broke up although it resulted in Mark attempting to strangle my mum for which he was arrested.
My relationship with my mum flourished and continues to do so, she supported me through university and I now live quite far away from home but we keep in touch regularly.
I felt completely to blame that my family didn’t speak to her and through time my mum and my gran have started to speak again but not often.
My gran is very judgemental and gossips with one of my mums sisters about everyone in the family but none so harshly as me and my mum.
The reason all of this has come up in my mind is because I’ve come back home to visit family and I had a drink last night and all of this came flooding out, I had a big argument with my mum where I demanded to know why she had never defended me against Mark, why she didn’t love me and so on. We’ve made up now and I feel awful for having brought it up
The problem I have is that I feel like an awful person: I feel responsible for breaking up the family, for upsetting my mum and I generally just feel like a jerk.
I’d like some honest opinions on this. I want to be able to accept the past and change who I am, I want to be a good person and someone who my mum can be proud of!
I don’t know if there is anything else you need to know…I’m 24 and I’m writing from Scotland.
Thanks in advance.