"Some of my best friends are ____"

Great Debates
21

“Some of my best friends are ____” doesn’t necessarily define a bigot.

But it’s been used so frequently as a defense against blatant bigotry that it should automatically raise suspicion.

A classic example I ran across the other day involves Lorraine Day, whose history suggests she formerly was a respected surgeon, but who has since gone off the rails deep into medical quackery and conspiracy mongering. On her cheery little “Good News About God” website, she manages to blame Jews for virtually every Evil visited upon mankind (including the United Nations, the World Health Organization, Freemasonry, Jesuits, the Catholic Church (yes, you heard that right), the Illuminati and much more. After extended foaming at the mouth about the Zionist/Jewish Peril, she emits this gem:

“I have many Jewish friends. They are wonderful people.”

:smiley:

22

[QUOTE=Larry Borgia]
You never hear people say “some of my best friends are named Mike,” or “some of my best friends are less than five foot four.”
[/QUOTE]

Except that you might, if someone was trying to prove that they weren’t prejudiced against people-named-Mike or short people.

23

[QUOTE=Otara]
I dont think its a racist statement as such. It just shows the person doesnt get that its a meaningless statement, which calls into question how much of an understanding about racism they have, thus calling into question whether they’d even realise they’re racist or not.
[/quote]

Very well put. Usually it just comes across as a non sequiter, and a rather unimaginative one at that. It also reveals a lack of awareness about the behaviors typically ascribed to racists of the more ignorant than hateful variety. Similar behaviors include the overuse of phrases like “you people” when talking to and about other races, and damning black people with faint praise by calling them articulate just for speaking standard English.

24

[QUOTE=MaxTheVool]
Except that you might, if someone was trying to prove that they weren’t prejudiced against people-named-Mike or short people.
[/QUOTE]
But how would that work? You can have black (Jewish Hispanic Arab Gay whatever) friends and have racist views. You won’t be a sheet wearing cross burning Klansman, but since when have Klansmen denied being racists? They’d be proud of not having black friends. You’d just be an ordinary person who holds some stereotypes and prejudices.

Imagine the following dialog:

A: I don’t think a black person should be President.
B: Dude, that’s a pretty racist thing to say.
A: Hey some of my best friends are black.

How does that help? A may very well have black friends, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t said something ignorant.

Now imagine this dialog:

A: I think OJ Simpson was guilty.
B: Dude, that’s a pretty racist thing to say.

Would you really defend yourself by mentioning that you have black friends? Of course not. You’d say something like “How does thinking one particular black person is a murderer make me a racist? What’s wrong with you!?”

So even if you have black friends that doesn’t mean you’re not a mild racist, and is no defense if you say something racist. If you are falsely accused of racism, it’s just a silly thing to say. Even simply rolling your eyes is a better reply. So it’s a pointless phrase that in practice is almost always used when putting down some group.

I should add that my use of “you” was the general you, not directed at Max or any other poster.

25

[QUOTE=MaxTheVool]
To look at it another way, what ELSE can you say that gives any evidence at all that you are NOT XXXist?
[/QUOTE]
Well, that depends on what you did to give someone the impression that you’re a racist in the first place, doesn’t it?

The problem with the “Some of my best friends” argument is that it’s a dodge. Instead of addressing the perceived offending behavior directly you’re trying to deflect criticism by establishing your (supposed) non-racist cred. It’s better to either cop to the offense, or unpack why you were misunderstood.

26

[QUOTE=Pochacco]
Well, that depends on what you did to give someone the impression that you’re a racist in the first place, doesn’t it?

The problem with the “Some of my best friends” argument is that it’s a dodge. Instead of addressing the perceived offending behavior directly you’re trying to deflect criticism by establishing your (supposed) non-racist cred. It’s better to either cop to the offense, or unpack why you were misunderstood.
[/QUOTE]

Quite frequently, though, accusations of racism are not launched in a way that easily allows that sort of intelligent defense. “Some of my best friends are -” is weak, but it’s short and you can finish a that statement before the accuser cuts you off. It’s like the “When did you stop beating your wife?” question - sure, you can theoretically give a good logical response, but the person asking that question will be all over you, cutting you off and insisting “Answer the question!”

27

Ancient joke:

RABBI #1: Would you believe it?! My congregation is switching over to the Quakers!

RABBI #2: Really?!

R1: Yes! Some of my best Jews are Friends!

28

““Some of my best friends are -” is weak, but it’s short and you can finish a that statement before the accuser cuts you off.”

Well yes its short but it also tends to be an own goal, so its more than just weak in my view.

This is one of those issues where concrete examples probably make it easier to discuss. I think saying something like ‘Im sorry you feel that way, but I disagree’ is the best bet if you cant think of something more specific (assuming you really are being unfairly accused of course). The calmer the response, the less oxygen it gets.

Otara

29

[QUOTE=Larry Borgia]
If you are falsely accused of racism, it’s just a silly thing to say.
[/QUOTE]

I agree that it’s a pretty silly way to defend yourself against a false accusation of racism, at least in some contexts. BUT, I don’t think it’s inherently an actively racist thing to say. In fact, I think that it is, legitimately, (if true), evidence towards non-racism, just not conclusive or even necessarily useful evidence. That is, people some of whose best friends are black are, on average, less likely to be racist than people about whom that’s not true.

(Preparing myself for an angry onslaught of people who have no black best friends, aren’t racist, and don’t understand how “on average” works.)

30

[QUOTE=MaxTheVool]
In fact, I think that it is, legitimately, (if true), evidence towards non-racism, just not conclusive or even necessarily useful evidence. That is, people some of whose best friends are black are, on average, less likely to be racist than people about whom that’s not true.
[/QUOTE]
The “if true” is kind of important.

A lot of people who mouth platitudes about “some of my best friends are ___” after making ethnically dodgy comments, probably are mistaken about how close those friendships are.

31

Honesty it may be a slight consolation to hear that this does come up from time-to-time in conversations among whites. That is, someone will say something racist (how offensive varies) and get called on it. Personally, I can’t recall hearing the "some of my best friends … " card played in a long time. But it used to be pretty common (especially in the late Sixties, IIRC) and acquired a reputation as being tantamount to an admission.

And, yeah, race relations vary widely depending on where you are. It’s one of the reasons I live in SF. Not perfect, but better than most.

32

[QUOTE=Honesty]
:dubious:
I’m curious, how often does this occur?
[/QUOTE]

Depends. Professionally I get accused of being a racist about 20% of the time I pull over a car driven by someone who isn’t white. The way I handle the charge is “I’m sorry you feel that way, but the reason I pulled you over was…”. That’s a technique trained in a verbal judo class and it works well enough.

In my personal life I’ve never been truly accused of racism, but if I was I’d use the second response of “Yeah? What are you going to do about it?”
That phrase, used in almost any situation, seems to get a rise out of anyone. I mean people really get pissed over it!

Wife: You didn’t take the garbage out!
Pk: Yeah? What are you going to do about it?
Wife: Uh, um?:confused:

The proper response, I guess, is “I’m going to dump it over your fucking head!”
But for some reason people get all flustered and storm off and don’t think of the snappy answer until an hour later.

I wouldn’t think of using that phrase in a professional setting.

Pitting PKBites
Pitting PKBites
33

It’s all in the context.

“Car salesmen are shit. Some of my best friends are car salesmen.” is occupationist (new word!)

“One of my best friends is a car salesman and he told me that…” is quoting your sources.

34

[QUOTE=PBear42]
Personally, I can’t recall hearing the "some of my best friends … " card played in a long time.
[/QUOTE]

The phrase may not be employed frequently nowadays, but I come across modified versions of the sentiment. People might not say “some of my best friends…” but they’ll throw out equally non sequiter-ish statements like “I’m Hispanic so…” or “My wife is Asian so…” as if to suggest that being a certain ethnicity or being in an interracial relationship somehow means that one can’t be accused of racism… not just towards Hispanics or Asians, but towards any race. Which is a truly boggling rationale.

35

[QUOTE=you with the face]
The phrase may not be employed frequently nowadays, but I come across modified versions of the sentiment.
[/QUOTE]
Yeah, you still see variations. Like this one from a recent thread about the attack on Elie Wiesel.

36

I know someone who increasingly makes me squirm with his questioning during my anecdotes.

For instance, I’ll be in the middle of a rant about a coworker and he’ll interupt with:

Him: “Let me guess, your coworker is black, right?”

Me: “Whats’s that got to do with anything?”

Him: “Just asking.”

I’ve confronted him on it a couple of times but it just goes round and round.

37

[QUOTE=you with the face]
The phrase may not be employed frequently nowadays, but I come across modified versions of the sentiment. People might not say “some of my best friends…” but they’ll throw out equally non sequiter-ish statements like “I’m Hispanic so…” or “My wife is Asian so…” as if to suggest that being a certain ethnicity or being in an interracial relationship somehow means that one can’t be accused of racism… not just towards Hispanics or Asians, but towards any race. Which is a truly boggling rationale.
[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I hear this a lot too. Having sex with someone of a different race by no means inoculates one from racist thoughts and behaviors. Hell, the different-race person you’re having sex with could be a) racist, b) clueless, or c) self-hating themselves.

I’ve often heard this used to defend outrageous generalizations and stereotypes. I even have one friend who’s been known to use me as a defense when he’s accused of generalizing with a broad brush. :rolleyes: Which he does, unfortunately, quite a bit.

I’m somewhat amused by the fear many Whites have of the word “racist.” I’m a man. There are some fringe people who would call me a sexist for any number of reasons that I feel are illegitimate. The fact is, I’ve engaged in a number of anti-sexist activities and educated myself quite a bit on the topic of sexism. Having said that, I did (and still do) live in an environment that privileges men and to an extent disadvantages women. I can be a dick at work and be considered successful, while a woman would probably get slapped with the “bitch” label… and so on. (Race does mitigate this somewhat.) I can walk out to my car in the dead of night with a relative feeling of safety, while I don’t think that’s a behavior I would endorse for my wife. And so on.

So if I’m accused of sexism, I might need to think about my actions and see if they are perhaps influenced by my experiences and exposure to a sexist environment. (I doubt I would do something intentionally sexist, but more subtle.) I can, and likely do, behave in sexist ways at times. But I am open to learning and correcting those errors, which I think makes me not a sexist. If I was to simply dismiss every piece of feedback and simply assume I was not a sexist, or ever behaved in a sexist manner… that sounds a little fishy to me.

Basically, I think I have a pretty good record, but I don’t think I’m beyond reproach, either. I would agree it’s fairly shrill to observe one action and determine that someone is racist (unless, of the course, the action is egregious, like a Michael Richards-style meltdown, or something of that ilk). But my response after “Some of my best friends are…” is “So what?”

I actually find myself agreeing with a lot of folks who probably are racist - and that is, you have to live with yourself, and if you’ve reconciled your actions and you feel that you have acted in a non-racist, non-whatever-ist way… that’s probably the best we have to go on. I should note that being racist, or non-racist, does not mean one can’t occasionally do something completely out of character at times. I’m thinking of Matt Dillon’s character in Crash. He was a racist but risked his life to save a Black woman’s life. Conversely, someone who is accepting and comfortable with diversity can say or do something hurtful on a racial or ethnic level.

38

[QUOTE=BMalion]
I know someone who increasingly makes me squirm with his questioning during my anecdotes.

For instance, I’ll be in the middle of a rant about a coworker and he’ll interupt with:

Him: “Let me guess, your coworker is black, right?”

Me: “Whats’s that got to do with anything?”

Him: “Just asking.”

I’ve confronted him on it a couple of times but it just goes round and round.
[/QUOTE]

That drives me bonkers too. ESPECIALLY if whoever I’m bitching about happens to be black. Then in addition to being angry at whomever I am angry at, I find myself feeling guilty for feeding someone else’s racism.

I don’t actually know a lot of black people well personally, but one of my friends (white) has a couple close friends who are black and we end up in social situations together reasonably regularly. I can’t for the life of me figure out what kind of brain defect my friend has that leads him to tell racist jokes. He doesn’t tell them in front of his black friends, but he doesn’t seem to find any disconnect in telling them to other people.