Someone help me find a path with my trans kid

In My Humble Opinion
1

My thirteen-year-old son came out a couple of months ago as trans, having identified as gender fluid for the previous year or so. (He is also on the autism spectrum, for what that’s worth.) We are a pretty tolerant family in a crunchy area, so mostly people have been trying to accommodate this change without a lot of pushback. (I will admit that I am not yet convinced that this will be a permanent change.) But I am about ready to strangle him specifically in the area of names.

In August of 2016 (when he was still identifying as female), he announced as he arrived at Girl Scout camp that he was going to be using his middle name from now on. (Note that I was out of town at the time, and a friend was the one who dropped him off at camp, so we didn’t even know about this until he was gone.) OK, fine, we notified the school in the fall, and he went by that name until about January of 2017. Then he announced he was going to use a different, more gender-neutral name. That one lasted until August, when he picked a name that does not sound even remotely female and came out as trans. (Ironically, he told me about this on the way home from registering for school, so then I had to try to set a change process in motion instead of just registering him with the new name and gender in the first place.) A couple of weeks ago, he used a different male name to introduce himself at a gender diversity event, but told us he was just trying it out and we didn’t have to make that switch. Yesterday morning, he emailed all his teachers, the counseling staff, and a few other administrators at school to announce that he wanted to switch to yet another male name. (For those keeping count, this is his sixth name in 15 months.) It’s not the name he chose, but I’ll call him Al for the rest of this post for the sake of having something to call him. (I do recognize the irony in making up a pseudonym for a post complaining about frequent name changes.) We found out about this change by getting an email from the school psychologist explaining that she had done a little pushback on this change, and asked him to at least stick to this name for a few months instead of changing again next month. He has never discussed any of the changes with us beforehand - he just announces them, to someone other than his parents.

I’m just done. I can’t keep up with this switching, and I feel it is deeply inconsiderate to everyone who is trying to work with him on all of these changes. I don’t know what to call him any more, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think this is a normal process even for trans kids, is it? I know he is trying to figure out his identity in general, and that that is entirely appropriate for a 13-year-old. My husband just calls him by the first initial of his original name (which also matches name #3, but none of the others). Al doesn’t like that much, but doesn’t really complain about it, either - he just keeps it on his list of ways that he resents his parents (which I also understand to be age-appropriate). I address him as “kiddo” most of the time when I’m talking to him directly. The fact that he announces it to the world before he announces it to his parents is an additional dollop of irritation in the whole situation. I don’t like getting emails from school administrators that assume I know all about this and having to infer what’s going on. He has told me that every change is “permanent,” but the time period between changes keeps getting shorter, and it has really reached “boy who cried wolf” territory.

Do I have to just keep trying to change what I call him every time he does? How can I explain to him how frustrating this is? I suspect that his autistic weakness in perspective taking is a factor here. Help me understand, and help me figure out how to talk to him about it, please.

2

I have zero experience, but with all the issues he has, is he seeing a counselor? If not I think he should be. If so what does s/he say about it all?

3

Yes, he is seeing a counselor (who also happens to be the leader of his BGLAD group). We have met with her once, and she expressed her sympathy on the name changes, but no real advice except to “support” him. She is out of town right now, so we haven’t been able to discuss yesterday’s change. Because Al is 13, we are rather limited in what she is willing to discuss with us, anyway.

4

There is a poster on this board who is very well versed with these sorts of things. I forget her name at the moment (which I hate, because I like and respect her). But I’m hoping she sees this thread.

5

Maybe I’m too old school, but I would have said.
“There’s nothing wrong with being trans, but as far as I’m concerned your named Al until you turn 18. Stop bothering the school. If this happens again, you’re grounded.”

6

Any chance all of his back and forth is a reflection of your own continued belief this is just a phase? That he can’t commit because you can’t seem to either?

Just wild ass guessing is all, I know it can’t be easy. Just hang in there and do your best to be supportive. No one can expect anything else from you, after all.

Have you considered asking him outright, what he wants your support to look like? I really think you’ll have to reconcile yourself to a couple of years of watching him struggle, which is sure to be a struggle for you whichever way the wind is blowing.

Wishing you Good Luck!

7

+1, I agree!

8

Oh brother! :rolleyes:

9

Working your last nerve? Yeah, that sounds pretty normal.

I’d tell him he gets one official name change per school year, starting now. He can call himself whatever, unofficially, and he can get his family & friends to call him whatever he can sell them on, but his official name is too much hassle to change every month. Maybe impose a waiting period where he has to use a name six weeks before he applies for a change.

But you, his mom, should start calling him whatever he wants to be called. Even if he changes weekly. No more kiddo. Respect his request, as often as he needs you to.’
ETA: you know, maybe he’s looking for a name that you’ll like. I don’t know. Might be worth talking about.

10

I think you probably mean Una Persson, who I hope will be along presently. But I’m also interested in what everyone else thinks.

Man, that was not what I wanted to hear. :slight_smile: I will talk to him about whether he minds “kiddo” before I try to drop it. And I have been trying to keep up with the changes and to use each new name. I actually have stopped talking about him to people at work, not because I am even a little embarrassed about the trans thing, but because it is too much work to start by explaining who “Al” is when I have to change it so frequently. But not using the new name in all contexts makes it substantially harder to actually get it right consistently.

11

Yep. Make the name changes his responsibility and expense and I imagine he’ll decide very quickly that Al is just fine.

12

I am not a parent and do not have experience with these sort of issues, so this post may well be useless. But I’m thinking maybe just try to separate the “constantly changes name” issue from the context of being trans. I’m not saying the kid will buy it, but I’d still try to explain “it’s not you being trans, it’s you constantly changing your name at the drop of a hat, especially without telling us with proper notice” (such as right after you had registered for school, requiring you to re-register). It wasn’t nearly as extreme, but I’m reminded of when Walt Jr. in Breaking Bad insisted on going by Flynn for awhile and the stress it caused (and is also a good example of how the name-change issue isn’t just a trans thing).

13

And if he doesn’t, I’ll be stuck with constant changes, because by making it his responsibility I’ve given up my own authority. (And it’s not that he’s not trying to take responsibility for doing it - the last one was accomplished (or at least attempted) by emailing everyone at school.) I’ve “imagined” him doing things differently a lot of times in the past, but that’s not how it has worked out.

14

If it’s tough on you imagine what it’s like for kiddo.

As a parent of a trans child I believe that full support in all of this is required. She’s trying to find an identity and so far seems unsuccessful.

I don’t have any other input except to say that the psychologist with whom we spoke said that 100% family support in these situations is the best thing you can do.

ETA: My kid also changed her last name, at least on Facebook, to his mother’s (my ex’s) last name. That stung, but I didn’t question it.

15

Yeah. Try reading that statement out loud and imagine how it sounds to a random bystander. Now imagine how it sounds to your son.

16

It sounds as though he is struggling with his identity in a variety of ways. I think I’d encourage him to stick with one name for a while but if it seems important to him to experiment, I’d try to honor that. He must be experiencing so much turmoil and perhaps choosing a new name so often is a way to both express that confusion and assert some control.

17

First of all, good for you for being so supportive of your child. It makes me happy to her the good stories, because there are a lot of bad ones.

I can feel all the emotions in this post but I am a step mom son I have no investment in the ultra girlie name my ftm stepson was given at birth. He went with a “placeholder nickname” and has played with name variants ever since he came out. His dad and I have privately rolled our eyes and said nothing out loud. Sure, Wolverine is an excellent last name (We are at a distance so don’t speak every day.) Fortunately he has been ok with sticking with the placeholder for a few years now. But he came out at 20. My understanding from my reading is that this name switch thing is common with people in the trans community.

He told his mother once, (I assume in a bit of a tiff regarding names.) “Mona Lisa is my most supportive parent, I wish you were that good.” I appreciate that, but it’s unfair to birth mom. He is 't my first birn child. I didn’t name him. He was 15 when I met his dad and 19 when I finally met him.

I would see if he would be ok with a “placeholder name” for school and family, with the understanding you will support any change in the future but the name game is actually distracting from more issues of transition and acceptance and you would like to help him focus on that.

Feel free to private message me any time. My stepson had “top” surgery (bilateral double mastectomy and chest masculinization) in September and is doing really well.

Oh and I have a biological son who is 13. So I empathize with going through this while you have a young teen. I love my teenager dearly but the intensity is dialed way up too often.

Sent from my SM-G930W8 using Tapatalk

18

Though the trans aspect may be driving the name change to begin with the autism spectrum issues are likely exacerbating the constant changes. Al just might not be able to think about how the constant name changes are affecting others. It is not so uncommon for kids on the spectrum to have difficulties seeing things from another’s point of view.

My nephew is reasonably high functioning but definitely on the spectrum. We have had luck with sitting him down when there is an issue and explicitly connecting the dots for him, being extremely blunt and pointing out issues that a child not on the spectrum would have likely picked up on.

The OP may have already had this discussion, and perhaps Al wouldn’t respond the same as my nephew has with similar discussions, but maybe it is worth another go. It might go something like this…

Al, when you change your name, even temporarily, your dad and I need to do the following things… X, Y, & Z. I am not sure if your realize that. We love you and want to support you but it is difficult for us to repeatedly do X, Y, & Z every few weeks as it is a lot of work for us and for the school administration.

A lot of trans kids take some time to find a name that works well for them. Let’s work on finding the right name for you and sticking with it. If you feel like the name Al is not working then you need to talk with Dad and me before making a change. We want to help you figure out what is causing the problem with this name. Maybe your autism is making it hard for you to see other ways to deal with things and you are changing your name when maybe there are other solutions.

So let’s agree. No more name changes before Christmas without talking things over first with Dad and I. And I want you to tell us if you even feel like you want another name change before then. Can you agree to that?

Try to get a commitment on a way forward that scales back the frequency of these name changes. My guess is that Al cannot see the difficulties this creates for you and others. Maybe pointing this out explicitly will help him find another way to deal with problems. I suspect he may be changing names as a way to reinvent himself rather than facing other problems. This will keep happening until he learns to identify these other problems and find a different way of dealing with it.

19

Maybe I’m missing something, but I think you’re making way too big a deal out of the name changes. If kiddo wants to be called a certain name, he can tell his friends and family, and they can try to remember to call him that until he changes his mind. Maybe post his currently preferred name on the refrigerator to help you remember.

Parents do not need to run to the school to re-register him every time he changes his mind.

It’s not extremely unusual for kids that age to want to change their name. Both my brother and I, neither trans nor spectrum, wanted name changes then. It wore off in less than a year. I do think that wanting a name change indicates that the child is unhappy and struggling.

I finally did legally change my name at age 50. It took me that long to find the right name.

My advice: try to call him whatever he wants to be called, and don’t make a deal out of it. In a couple of years, he can officially get his name changed permanently to whatever he wants.

20

I think this is probably what struck me. Most transgender kids that I work with are binary transkids (not gender fluid/non-binary), and they may switch between at most 2 names as they are trying to see which one fits them. The gender non-binary/genderfluid kids I work with and know also do that. Most pick one other names, but might switch between 2. However, this switching normally resolves itself within about 6 months.

And I also know some adult and youth transgender persons who switch between a variety of names. One person I know has something like 7 names they use, complete with Gmail and Facebook accounts in each name. Generally speaking, these folks are dealing with other problems than just being transgender. Most of this group are struggling with something much deeper than being transgender, such as a feeling of loss of stability and certainty in their lives. One adult I know who has switched names numerous times was in the foster program (I met them when they were 17) and was shuffled from home to home to home regularly. One of the psychologists I work with claims that frequent name changes are sometimes done to try to escape some trauma. She brought up a case of a 16 year-old transboy who was raped by his own brother to “prove she’s really a woman” at a Christian Youth event. By swapping names constantly he could rationalize in his mind that it wasn’t they who was raped, it was someone else…and then when they got to attached to a name, they would switch.

However, I wouldn’t rush to judge just yet. See if the counselor you are working with can help with it.

In general, frequent persistent name-changing is not a “typical” trait of being transgender. Most of us only try out 1 or 2 names that match our new gender, or if we’re non-binary then we may have a “boy name”, “girl name”, and “neutral name” (the latter is unusual). Personally, I never tried out any other names - I mentally called myself “Stephanie” in my 20’s, but at age 31 when my psychiatrist encouraged me to go by Stephanie, suddenly I realized that I wasn’t a Stephanie, it didn’t feel right any more, and I picked something else and stuck with it.

Parents I know who have dealt with this often pick a nickname (like “kiddo”) and use that exclusively, along with the gender-neutral pronouns “they” and “theirs.” That might be your best bet.