I know a fair number of people who say things like, “Peanut butter has made me break out in hives as long as I can remember”, or “I break out in hives every time I eat salmon–I found that out when my dad took me to such-and-such restaurant when I was 7” or somesuch thing. I’d never heard anybody say “Well, I never had any allergies, I played high school basketball and trained in the military without a problem, but one day when I was 19 I broke out in hives and I had no idea what from”.
Then I sat on my couch watching UCLA vs LSU, and I was kind of itchy in a lot of places, but I didn’t think much of it cause I’m kind of an itchy guy most of the time. Suddenly–well, gradually over fifteen minutes or so–the Itch Mothership landed on my back and built up a base, where its Itch Workers frantically mined for gold and there was itching and scratching the likes of which hath never before been seen in my young life. Great gourds of fire, I thought, I’ve never itched like this in my life! “Self”, I told myself, “it’s time for an investigation.”
So I go to the bathroom and I doff mine shirt, and do turn myself about 180 degrees, and do stare in yonder mirror; Alas! MY WHOLE FUCKING BACK IS RED. ALL OF IT.
I freak out, pop two Benadryl, spread Hydrocortisone all over, catch my breath, and go back to the game. This was breaking out in hives! This was what allergic people talked about! I’m allergic!
To what?
I took a shower at my girlfriend’s house that day, and I used her soap, but I’ve used it several times before without problems. I had chili while watching the game, which was unusual, but that too I had had several times before without problems. And anyway, it was my mother’s, and she said all the ingredients were things I’d eaten my entire life in her cooking.
There is only one option remaining:
I am deathly allergic to boring basketball.
Seriously, though, what the hell is going on? How many times will I break out in hives before I figure out what causes it?