Sometimes this job just sucks...

Being in the Public Affairs realm in the Navy aboard ship, I’m constantly being tasked with hosting and touring foreign dignitaries, military brass, congressmen, governors and business leaders.

It can be a nightmare catering to each of their idiocyncrasies: this one can’t eat pork, this one has a special interest in the reactors, “No, Sir! Don’t get to close to the jet intake,” “Yes, sir. I can get you up at 0400 and work out with you,” “I’ve got your barf bag here, sir.”

But today will truly be a test of my mettle. The most difficult group of visitors known to man will fly aboard at 1000 and I have been designated lead escort, head muckety-muck and key point of contact for them – basically waiting on them hand and foot.

I’m speaking of the Miami Dolphins Cheeleaders.

When does the pain end? When have I done enough for my country? When will the fate of the nation be lifted from my shoulders?

I can already clearly see this nightmare:

“Let me hold that skirt so you can step into it, Sheri.”
“I’ll help stuff that thing into your bra, Amy”
“Okay. I’ll towel off your sweat, Candi.”
“No, ma’am. I can’t feel a panty line.”
“They only jiggle a little, Bambi.”
“Back rub? Sure.”
“Super Bowl, Shnuper Bowl! Practice that split a couple more times.”
“No, Laura, I can’t service you… right now.”

The pain, the pain. God, when will it all end?

< jealous >
This is how my tax dollars are being spent? Why the f**k would the Navy fly the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders out to your ship? Are they trading them in the middle east for arms or something?
< /jealous >

Allow me to be the first to succumb to my martyr-like instincts and volunteer to help! Brother Cheif, I FEEL your pain!

I will step in and take your place in this dreadful service! You may thank me later! :drool smiley BADLY needed here:

As an aside, I was paid $50 an hour last year by Korean Air to interview newly hired stewardesses (to grade their English abilities)… let me repeat, I was PAID to talk to incredibly hot, young women, dressed in sexy uniforms! Shit, I woulda paid Korean Air for the priveledge!! [sup] to counter this, and balance out the whole Karma of the episode, one of them actually HIT on me! And I had to turn her down because Astrofiancee is incredibly selfish, and insists on having me all to herself![/sup]

I used to be a buyer for Victoria’s Secret. Two words:

Fit model.

Why I left, I’ll never know… :wink:

The agony you must be suffering! I feel a patriotic need to do my part: We can do a Laverne and Shirly type plot where I disguise myself as you and go on the tour, while you take my place, shovelling snow and cleaning out the basement.

Sound fair? Send a jet to come get me.


I dunno, Scott. I’ve seen your posts, and judging from them, the Ike is gonna be in trouble today. I predict that your escort ships will be able to sail around on the flight deck, just from your drool.:wink:

[sub]Lucky bsatard[/sub]

I officially nominate Chief as the luckiest rat bastard of the new year (thus far).

Incidentally, I have to say; #$$%#%luckymotherf&#%#

Shit, shit, shit. It just keeps getting worse!

Now I’ve been designated one of three backstage assistants.

That’s my fucking life: assist, assist, assist. Change, change, change.


You know… you would think the navy would be smarter then that and realize they should get a heterosexual for that job!! Sometimes you gotta wonder about the government.

Yeah, it sounds peachy now, but next week I hear he has to be the personal assistant for The National French Drag Queen Choir. 50, large, sweaty, french, drag queens.

“Let me hold that skirt so you can step into it, Pepin.”
“I’ll help stuff that thing into your bra, Jaque”
“Okay. I’ll towel off your sweat, Claude.”
“No, sir. I can’t feel a panty line.”
“It’s hardly noticible Francois.”
“Back rub? Sure.”
“I suppose you don’t have to use deoderant if you don’t want to”
“No, Louis, I can’t service you… right now.”

You! Must! Die!

If only I could take over your body… Unless…

Well, drat it, I’ve got to go to rehearsal.

Candi, be a dear and jump off my lap. I’ll be back in a few.

Wait, you mean combat engineers don’t get chicks?

Where the fuck did I go wrong. Goddamned John Wayne movies. . .

But I got Canadians, eh?


Rehearsal is over and I just dropped the girls off at the Wardroom for a bite to eat (They said I could call them “The Girls.”)

First touring, then practice, now feeding 'em. Cheerleaders can be so damn demanding.

Oh yeah Chief, my heart just bleeds peanut butter for you. Tell those broads to keep their grimy hands off, you know that Falcon and I have first dibs on your body ! We will share with each other, but not a bunch of cheerleaders !

You have to feel kinda sorry for him. A little. I’m sure the air pressure is really low there at the moment. :slight_smile:

Well, I got taken on stage during the show and The Girls nearly covered my body in shaking, jostling, quivering… pom poms.

Wow. I could get to like this job. The air pressure’s low, but not the pressure in my pants.

Mrs. Lion you may call me a pom pom whore. Pth-th-th.

OK, ** ChiefScott ** You sir are a ** Pom Pom Whore **

And the name is ** Mrs. LIONsob ** Pth-th-th-th-th

Thank you ma’am, may I have another?

Uh, no Candi, I’ll take two from you!