Being in the Public Affairs realm in the Navy aboard ship, I’m constantly being tasked with hosting and touring foreign dignitaries, military brass, congressmen, governors and business leaders.
It can be a nightmare catering to each of their idiocyncrasies: this one can’t eat pork, this one has a special interest in the reactors, “No, Sir! Don’t get to close to the jet intake,” “Yes, sir. I can get you up at 0400 and work out with you,” “I’ve got your barf bag here, sir.”
But today will truly be a test of my mettle. The most difficult group of visitors known to man will fly aboard at 1000 and I have been designated lead escort, head muckety-muck and key point of contact for them – basically waiting on them hand and foot.
I’m speaking of the Miami Dolphins Cheeleaders.
When does the pain end? When have I done enough for my country? When will the fate of the nation be lifted from my shoulders?
I can already clearly see this nightmare:
“Let me hold that skirt so you can step into it, Sheri.”
“I’ll help stuff that thing into your bra, Amy”
“Okay. I’ll towel off your sweat, Candi.”
“No, ma’am. I can’t feel a panty line.”
“They only jiggle a little, Bambi.”
“Back rub? Sure.”
“Super Bowl, Shnuper Bowl! Practice that split a couple more times.”
“No, Laura, I can’t service you… right now.”
The pain, the pain. God, when will it all end?