somewhat god-awful neighbor problem (long)

In My Humble Opinion
1

In my time of need, I turn to you, People of the Dope, for advice and solace, for challenging viewpoints and thought-provoking responses. I beeseech you now, aid me in my hour of distress.

Here’s the problem: My neighbors are an elderly couple in their late 60’s-early 70’s. I have not seen or spoken to them much, but they seem very nice, waving and greeting me when I run into them. We have exchanged pleasantries. I like them. Their son, however, is terrifying me.

He appears to be in his mid-thrities. He is somehow brain-damaged or mentally disabled, or something. Okay, so who cares? Well, he is harassing me. If I am in the yard, he will come to the fence and just stare. The first time this happened, I waved, and said hello. No response. Again. No response. So I walk over, concerned, and ask him if everythig is okay. He replies, “I’m just watching you.” Further attempt at communication results only in silence. I finaly go into the house, somewhat freaked out, but his mother told me he was “not right” (her words), so I just figured, hey, maybe he’s shy, maybe he doesn’t understand. No big deal. So everytime I go into the yard, he comes out of his house, comes to the fence, and stares. I keep up the wave and say hello bit for awhile. Then, this happens:

I am walking my two dogs one evening, coming home past the nighbor’s house. I meet the mother and the son standing in the yard. They come over and the mom and I chat for a few minutes, until she says, “Son, say hello to Ms. Ratty.” Everything happens very quickly: he lunges at me and grabs my breast. I am shocked and horrified, staggering back. The dogs go nuts, as someone has attacked Mom. I pull them backwards with me, but they’re big and strong, and their momentum carries me forward into my neighbor and her son. She is now yelling at him to go into the house, which he does, at a run. The dogs are snarling, barking, straining at the leash to go rip this guy’s throat out, which is fine with me, I feel they’re justified. But I prevent them. My neighbor apologizes profusely, saying she doesn’t know what came over him, he’s retarded, has brain-damage, it won’t happen again, she’ll reprimand him, etc. I am so shaken up, I just stammer something and yank the dogs into the house.

The leering at the fence continues. He begins shouting uninterpretable gibberish at times, before his parents call him back into the house. Then yesterday came the final straw. I have a pool in the backyard, and a friend and her 4-year-old son came over to swim. So we’re towelling off, getting ready to soak up some rays while her son is eating some lunch, when the neighbor’s son comes out of the house. I see this and shudder, but I don’t want to alarm my friend, so I sit down quickly and hope he’ll go away. Wrong. He comes to the fence and stares. My friend notices and asks. I tell her he’s disabled, he’ll go away, just ignore him, not mentioning the above incident. Then he starts yelling “Pussy! Pussy! Pussy!” at the top of his lungs. We are freaked out, grab the kid, and run into the house. Friend says call the cops. But I do nothing. Afternoon continues indoors.

But I am freaked out and scared. This guy scares me. I know he’s disabled, I know he might not know what he’s doing or saying, I know it’s intolerant and ignorant and wrong of me to be afraid of him, but I am. I can’t help it. I want him to stop harassing me. I want to go into my backyard without the dogs and not fear for my safety. (I’m safe with the dogs, but alone?)

But I like his parents. They’re old, and they’ve been caring for him all his life- they have an unimaginable burden, and I’m sure they’re terrified about what will happen to him after they die. I don’t want to cause trouble for them. I don’t want the police involved. I don’t want to have bad relations with my neighbors. So what can I do? They can’t control him, obviously, so talking to them about it will just cause them more worry, and it will accomplish nothing. And I’m afraid. I’ve told a few friends about him before yesterday’s incident, and I got two completely different responses:

#1- Stop freaking out. You’re paranoid. The guy is weird but harmless. He probably doesn’t know what he’s doing. Just ignore it. And you’re an asshole for taking issue with the disabled.

#2- Call the cops ASAP. Keep reporting this so they take you seriously. This guy is dangerous, and if you let it go, they’ll find your headless torso one day.

So what the hell should I do? And am I a paranoid asshole for taking this seriously? Please help.

2

#2. Touching, regardles of anything else, is wrong. While he hasn’t touched you since, but the staring and the taunting have continued, I would feel freaked out by this. I think you have a perfect right to do what it is that you do in your backyard without the guy checking you out. Consider building a higher fence so he can’t look and be tempted (I hope I’m not freaking you out even more).

3

What a tough situation, considering the fact that you truly like the parents. I have a lot of experience working with victims of severe brain injuries, and have dealt with similar scenarios, although, these were in facilities for that type of injury, and there were protocols for such incidents, not to mention the fact that I was almost never alone. I have one, somewhat similar experience, from the last apartment complex that I lived in, as well, although in that case, the guy in question, was, for the most part, truly harmless, at least to me(I understand that he was jumped by a group of thugs walking through town one day, and he single-handedly kicked all of their butts), but it took a few months to really feel comfortable with his presence. It was obvious that he liked me, but he never, ever, did anything to cause me fear, other than the initial reaction to his odd demeanor.

All that said, I will say that, IMO, given the circumstances, this is not simply a case of someone who is diabled, is unaware that their behavior is inappropriate, and ultimately a non-threat. As much as you like the parents, and feel for them, and all that they’ve been through, in caring for their son all of these years, it is very obvious that they do not have a handle on him, in ways that they should, and that he definitely does pose a threat. You are scared, and rightfully so, you have been assaulted by this man, and no matter what problems he has, that is never OK. Your safety is far more important than what his parents are going to think.

You can either go to your neighbors, and discuss this with them, and tell them that as much as you do not want to cause tension between you, and them, that if it happens again, you will call the authorities, or, just let it happen, and make the best of it. That’s a call that you’re going to have to make, depending on your assessment of the couple, and how you think they will react to either of those situations. As much of a rift that this may cause in your relationship with your neighbors, it is what you need to do, in order to protect yourself, bottom line. My guess is that, although they won’t be happy, and may even be cross at you for doing so, that deep down they will understand it. Perhaps they are getting far too old to be caring for their son in the ways that he needs(it certainly appears this way to me, from what you’ve written), and maybe calling the authorities about it will ultimately be helpful to both the couple, and their son, as it could very well lead to them having to find appropriate care for him elsewhere.

A piece of advice that I heard may years ago, regarding parenting, that has stuck with me seems applicable in your situation, so I’ll go ahead and pass it on. Don’t worry what other people might think, worry about what other people might do.

Protect yourself.

The best of luck to you.

~V

4

There are supposedly public relations or community service folks at police stations. Maybe you could contact one and discuss your dilemma. They may have some advice. Just be clear that you are not filing a complaint.

5

It’s not intolerant or ignorant of you to be afraid of him, you have every right. He assaulted you, and that’s not ok. You’re not afraid of him becasue he’s disabled, you’re afraid of him because he attacked you.

My father works with mentally disabled and autistic people, and he would be the first to tell you that sometimes you do have to be cautious. He has come home with bite marks, bruises, scratches, and he is not a small man. The fact that they don’t “mean” to do it or that they don’t know any better doesn’t mean you can’t protect yourself. Your neighbors are not doing anyone any favors by “taking care of him” if they can’t. What if he does this to a teenager next? A small child? He could do real harm.

I agree with Caught@Work that you have the right to be in your yard without fear. Do call the police and just let them know the situation, I’m sure they have dealt with this kind of thing before, or can refer you to someone. You don’t have to press charges or anything, maybe they could give you some suggestions to bring up with your neighbors. But don’t live in fear because you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings.

Just my .02

6

Another thing you need is a taller fence.

7

Holy cow, that was some “hello”!

Here’s another voice that says forget the advice of friend number 1 and stick with that of number 2 and all the sentiments expressed here.

You’ve done nothing that would provoke a sensible person, have shown admirable restraint and understanding regarding his condition, but you are unfortunately still in harm’s way.

Talk to his parents and make them aware of your concerns and then contact the appropriate authorities to see what kind of help is available.

His parents will at some point reach an age where they’ll no longer be able to deal with the situation. I think it’s prudent for you to ask that this be dealt with responsibly before they reach that point.

Good luck and I’m truly sorry to hear of your troubles and wish you a decent outcome.

8

I have also worked with people who have suffered traumatic brain injuries, and yes, you are right to be concerned about your safety. I have seen too many people go from mild and friendly to almost homicidal at the drop of a hat. One of the first things to go as a result of a TBI is impulse control–all you have to do is piss them off (according to their way of thinking–it may be absolutely nothing to you or I) and you have a major incident on your hands.

I would talk to the police, but make it clearly understood that it is for their info only, you are not filing a complaint. I would also raise the fence if possible, but make sure there are no peepholes in it, or else you may find him still spying on you, and doing God knows what behind the fence where you can’t see him.

9

Does your community have a group like the Cancer Society or the Heart Association. . . but that deals with mentally impaired people? Here in Milwaukee we have, for example, the Mental Health Association of Milwaukee. If you find such an organization, call them up. Or go and see someone there. Tell them exactly what you have written here. . . and get their advice about what to do.
In the meantime, get some big potted plants or trees and line them up along that fence so the neighbor’s son can’t see over the fence.
Even though you were assaulted, I don’t think the police should be your first call. I don’t think that will do anything but cause friction between you and your senior neighbors. . . and you don’t want that. You want them in your corner. Should they have better control over Junior? You bet! Are the cops the answer? I seriously doubt it.
Good luck to you. This is a really tough situation.

10

talk with the parents. find out as much as you can about the son’s condition and history. could be he doesn’t have a violent cell in his body and you are just being too paranoid. after all, construction workers can yell “pussy pussy” at you all day long and it ain’t gonna kill ya!

talk with the people. educate yourself about the condition to dispell ignorance and unfound fear of the guy. He obviously cant help his condition and having the cops confront him probably won’t help. you may want to encourage them to get him in a group-home environment if this is an option.

the behavior you have described sound very similar to my brother-in-law, who is retarded and quite harmless, but freaky none-the-less. he has the stare of a serial-killer and blurts out strange comments, but has never had any history of trouble. he resides in a group-home and is employed through that place. (i don’t know too much about the details of this dudes day-to-day life. i pretty much only see him around the holidays) His behavior is freaky, but that’s more my problem than his. Like a small child, he stares and shouts, but he doesn’t have any concept that these are undesirable behaviors.

it might be a higher fence is all that is required. when he cant see you, he doesn’t even know you exist.

11

What friend 2 said.

Plus, what happens if he does something else? First it was watching-then touching you. Then he started yelling “Pussy!” (for a cat? Or worse? shudder) And stuff like that.
He may go further-try to enter the yard. And you have the dogs-what if he provokes an attack, or something like that?

Good luck.

12

Thank you so much for all your support and suggestions, everyone. Building a bigger fence is unfortunately not an option- I live on 6 acres that go straight back: this is just too much fence and too much money.

Guinastasia, you bring up an excellent but horrifying point. What if he enters the yard and my dogs go for him? They’re both incredibly sweet, friendly, and well-trained dogs, but they know this guy- they bristle and snarl at the sight of him, due to the “incident”. And I have a pitbull- if anything happens, even on my own property with provocation, I could be sued and my dogs could be confiscated and destroyed, especially the pit, and this breed does not need another media incident.

I don’t want to be one of those stupid women you read about in newspapers after someone finds their body. I need to talk to the parents- I will call them tonight and see what the story is. I think I might call the local police station and see if they have some kind of community program, but I don’t think filing a complaint would work. Too much time has passed since the first incident, and while staring and yelling are freaky, I don’t think it’s actually illegal, is it? I have given this guy the benefit of the doubt because of his disability, but it just keeps getting freakier.

After he grabbed me that time, I was freaked out, and scared, but I didn’t feel all that threatened- still the benefit of the doubt. Because in high school I was good friends with a girl whose sister had some sort of mental disability, and she was really sweet, even though she loved to grab people in sometimes inappropriate ways- she really didn’t understand that this behavior wasn’t polite and could frighten or even injure someone. So I figured maybe the neighbor guy was like that. But after thinking about this, and watching his behavior, I just don’t know, and it’s scaring me.
I need more information- I will definitely call the parents tonight and express my concerns. I’ll keep you all posted.

I just want to say thank you again for all the suggestions and support. This may sound silly, but it’s really touching how total strangers can show concern for one another. This is truly the greatest message board in existence. Thank you.

13

Ratty,
I’d like to see you file a complaint with the police. That was an assault. If, in fact, nothing like this has ever happened before, then the consequences for Boo Radley will probably be negligable. If, however, something like this HAS happened before then your complaint might be the one to get something done so that he gets the supervision that he needs. This might prevent a more serious attack in the future. Even if you don’t file a complaint, check with the police to see if this is a first time offense or if it has happened before.

Secondly, get a video camera (there are plenty out there available for purchase if the pop-ups on my computer have any correlation to availability) and set it up to tape him the next time you go out to the pool. If he starts verbally assaulting you you’ll have it all on tape.

Lastly, you are clearly a thoughtful person who is scared. Any type of action that you are forced to take is a result of Boo’s behavior, and his parents’ lack of supervision. If they respond to your actions by being angry with you, too bad. Perhaps you won’t get as many nice waves when you pass them on the street, but that is a small loss compared to what might happen if you don’t take appropriate action.

Good luck.

14

Wow, I don’t believe the namby-pamby responses you got from the Dopers. I say, call the cops and have the taken AWAY. Jeezus.

15

Wow, I don’t believe the namby-pamby responses you got from the Dopers. I say, call the cops and have the guy taken AWAY. Jeezus.

16

If this guy can’t restrain himself and is not responsible for his actions, then someone must be held responsible for him. If the people that are responsible for him can’t control him so that he doesn’t do things like grabbing your breast, then someone else should. You shouldn’t be living in fear because he has no one controlling him like he obviously needs. I agree with the steps suggested here; talk to the parents, talk to the police (a community liaison type officer if there is one in your neck of the woods). You may also have to face the reality that the system isn’t fair and the victims often have far less rights than the perpetrators, and you may have to sell your house and move to put an end to this.

17

I spoke to my neighbors on the phone tonight. I am now pretty depressed, but have a stronger resolve. I am calling the police tomorrow, making inquiries, and I will be filing a complaint.

This is because my neighbor, Mrs. N, did not respond all that well to my call. I expressed my concerns; I related Sunday’s incident; I reminded her of the ‘assault’. At first, she was apologizing profusely, promising to talk to her son, to reprimand him, etc. She kept going on about how he’s so lonely and bored, and I’m sure he must be- he can’t hold a job, he’s 37 years old, and can’t drive, can’t socialize, etc. And then I guess I must have overstepped my bounds, because I suggested to her that there were many programs available for people with a disability- group homes, daycare, in and out-patient facilities, etc. And she basically went nuts, asking me how dare I suggest institutionalizing her son, yes, he’s had some problems in the past, :eek: but he’s a good person. And they can’t afford it, and they’re all he has, and just what the hell do I know about it, anyway? So I asked her to tell me more, and she told me it was “none of my goddamned business”. Okay. At this point I just sort of lost it, and told her that if it happens again, I will press charges, and that tomorrow I will be lodging a complaint with the police. And then she hung up on me.

So I’m going to the police station tomorrow, and I will tell them everything. I will complain, but I will not press charges unless something else happens. But I feel like an evil bitch. She’s right- I don’t know his troubles, or hers, or theirs together. I can sympathize, but I can’t ever know their worry and their suffering.

But I have to protect myself. I have to protect my dogs. And now, I feel like I have some responsibility to th community- you guys are right, what if he’s done this before? Her comment about past trouble suggests that this has, in fact, happened before. So it will most likely happen again. And what if it’s a little kid? What if he gets violent? What if he really hurts someone, and I said nothing, even though I knew he might be dangerous? I now feel like it would be irresponsible of me NOT to report this. So I’ve spent the last few hours justifying my actions to myself. I’m trying hard not to be spiteful- Mrs. N is old, and her son is disabled, and I’m trying hard to be understanding. I was as polite as I could possibly be to her. Neighbor relations are now irreparably damaged. There will be another Christmas in the trenches. I can only hope this won’t become some major court battle, since I don’t know anything about such things.

Aaahhhh, crap.

18

Mom and Dad are in denial. They obviously can’t manage their son. A 37 year old with his problems should probably be in some sort of program anyway. If the parents take the initiative now, he may achieve some level of independence before they die. Yes, you feel for them, but it sounds like their hand needs to be forced, and unfortunately you may have to be the one who does it.

19

Judging by her reaction, I think that you’ve made the right decision. No, you don’t know their family history, but, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to protect yourself. Some of those programs can be pricey, but there are community programs available for such individuals for minimal costs(one’s that are a far cry from institutionalization, as well). If he’s so lonely and bored, and she is not doing whatever she can to provide for her son, as she is his primary caregiver, then she’s largely to blame for his loneliness, and boredom, and is therefore responsible for making sure that he does not do something to scare, or harm others. She is not doing that.

I know it’s going to be hard, but try not to let this get you down, you are not doing anything wrong, no matter what she tries to tell you.

Wishing you more luck!

~V

20

Boy, what a welcome to the neighborhood, huh.
You did the right thing. I worked with handicapped teenagers for several years, and I understand the need to be compassionate–and as a woman, I can also understand the need to not be over-reactive.
But this guy has proven that he can act out physically, and he obviously is not being kept under control by his parents. You could be hurt–inadvertantly, perhaps, but the intent behind his actions really don’t mean much at this point. In addition, if your dogs attacked him (in protective mode), these parents would be very likely to come down on you legally for his injuries.
I’m thinking the big fence and the police are your best moves.
Which you know already, but I still wanted to give you a little more support. You are NOT being a bitch here–you’re protecting yourself from a potentially dangerous situation.
Please let us know what happens, okay?
~karol