A good Marital Arts program will emphasis self control and may help with your sons anger. It also helps build self confidence.
I like to recommend Judo because it focuses so much on defense. Rather than punching & kicking. Strikes with the hands or feet are not allowed in judo competitions. They can be used in katas. Those are choreographed movements much like a dance.
I know bullying is a big problem. Hopefully gaining more confidence will help your son and get people to leave him alone.
Judo is not a good idea, IMO, but only anecdotally: I remember my nerdy elementary-school friend who took some tae kwan do, thought it enabled him to stand up to bullies, threw a side kick that would’ve been great in class, and after they were done laughing at him got his ass kicked. If a martial art tricks him into thinking that he’s able to hold his own in a real fight, it’s not a good approach. [edit: aceplace’s recommendation of Judo for its self-defense emphasis makes a lot more sense now that I read it. I still don’t think a marital arts program is appropriate for him–he probably doesn’t even have a girlfriend!]
I also am not sure that going to congress or whatever is the best next step. Talking to a lawyer? Fine. Congress? Nuclear option, and I suspect that your lack of documentation so far will lead them to tell you to go back and talk to school admin.
Instead, I’d fast-track taking all appropriate steps. Call the school and explain you need a meeting on your son ASAP, involving the EC teachers and the principal. If the meeting can’t happen within a reasonable time frame (say, one week), politely ask for the district contact for EC services, and don’t be put off until you get that contact. Call EC district services and explain that you need a meeting because your son is in crisis. If you don’t get a meeting there, politely ask for the superintendent’s information. Go up the chain of command, documenting each step, getting the names of the people you talk with.
If, after a week of effort you still haven’t gotten anyone to meet with you and commit to measurable, acceptable changes in your son’s IEP, then contacting a politician is appropriate.
However, I definitely think engaging an attorney would be a good idea. I can only speak to what I think would be effective; an attorney will tell you what WILL be effective.
Alice, as well as the great advice above I hope you also take care of yourself, as well as your child.
This can be a time that you and your son take a significant leap forward in your lives and move up to another level. I wish the best for you both.
P.S. Document!
Thanks, everyone, for the advice and the encouragement. There’s a lot of good advice here.
I do have some documentation. Also, I called all of these people a couple of weeks ago, when my son said that he could understand how kids that have been bullied can bring guns to school and kill people. I called and requested the administration, his teacher, the school psychologist, the social worker, and the guidance counselor to all speak with me about this, and I told them that he was in crisis, and out of all of that, I got two phone calls back, with the same old same old bullshit responses. Just typing that makes me emotional. He tells me, “Mom, no one in that school cares about me.” And he’s so plaintive and earnest when he says it. And apparently he’s right.
:mad:
And I never got one call back today from my “urgent” calls of yesterday.
The problem will never be solved, and the school cannot protect him. If there’s one thing that these threads demonstrate given their frequency of popping up here, those are the points that you should take away from them. We all want things, but these are things that you cannot have.
I’d love to snap my fingers and make it all go away, but bullying cannot be legislated, eliminated, or punished away. Dominance is something we all have in common, and bullying is nothing more than the childhood manifestation of that trait.
Okay, fine. So why then spout a bunch of bullshit about how you have zero tolerance for bullying? That’s like false advertising. IMO, if you’re going to claim a feature, you need to have that feature.
And that right there is what pisses me off the most about the whole thing. School districts brag and give lip service to having zero tolerance for bullying, and you might think that your kid will be safe in school because of that, yet you’d be wrong. That’s where I think legal action comes in.
Yeah, but this a group of kids with disabilities – including ones that are emotionally disturbed. I don’t think that’s going to work in this particular case. In fact, it may only make things worse. (I’m not saying that standing up for yourself doesn’t work, just that not all bullying situations are alike)
Good luck, Alice. I hope everything works out. Just reading about the whole thing is pissing me off.
Oh now that’s just not right. :mad:
Contact the sped advocates in AZ. Here’s a start.
Alice, as another mom in Tucson, and one with a son near the same age as yours, I’m curious which school he went to. Amphi or TUSD?
I must say I’m surprised as to the lack of response, as when my son was bullied in 4th grade, the school was right on top of it. Not doubting you, but it seems very school-specific.
Serious question: Have you even actually gone to a Congressman with an issue? Have you ever tried getting something fixed by calling your reps/senators?
The point is not to win any fight, but to fight back. Once the bullies realise that they will get hurt, they’ll move on.
As for suspension, well, it doesn’t really matter if you’re not taking him there anyway.
Is there any reason you are not communicating with the school officials by email? This is a great way to document dates, response times, and of course, the response. What about the other kid’s parents?
I sure hope you can sue to make it stop.
I say we take off and nuke them from orbit.
It’s the only way to be sure.
Or there is the lemons.
I’m sorry if I come across as cynical, but this is the norm rather than the exception IME. I have ample experience with bullying, both first and second hand, and IMO most school officials are either negligent or powerless. But fighting bullying in school is so PC that everyone gives lipservice to the mantra.
I’ll second several of the suggestions above. Document, document, document. Demand meetings with school officals, with deadlines for replies, have a legal action threat if they don’t comply and be prepared to use that threat. I don’t know US laws, but I guess there’s something in your system about child abuse. Not taking action against bullying could - at least from the parent’s viewpoint - be classified as abuse. Press charges if they don’t answer, even if the charge is dismissed it may show up on the principal’s records somewhere and make him/her look bad. Don’t ever, ever give up! Also, yes to the judo thing. If the child likes it, of course. My experience with judo clubs is that they have good environments for children and yes, they teach self confidence and body control. Body control and self confidence, both bodily and mentally, is extremely important, especially in such a situation. Your child may make new friends in the club, he needs someone to hang with that makes him feel comfortable. Just don’t expect your child to be able to use it outside the dojo, it doesn’t help if there are a lot of bullies. And no matter the situation, the first to use violence will be seen as the perpetrator. I’ve tried to teach my children that they should never hit first (it looks bad), but it’s perfectly OK to hit back. Hard. And if violence is inevitable, don’t wait until you’re in a rage. Raging is a losing strategy. Use the violence just before the rage takes over, and be in control of the rage.
If everything fails, change schools. But unfortunately, being a bullying victim often brings about some subtle changes in behavior that easily brands you as a suitable victim in another place and situation. So changing schools is often not a solution to the problem unless you’ve succeded in giving your son renewed self confidence to take as baggage to the new school.
And be prepared for a long way back to normality. Bullying victims may need years to recover their self-confidence. For some of them, the scars never disappear.
Good luck!
Zero tolerance consists of punishment after the fact. Do you think that kids are unaware that they can get detention or suspension for bullying? They know, and they know that the only way that they’ll ever be caught is if their mark fights back or if their mark tells on them. Want to know how to make it worse? Tell on them. Oh, they’ll do everything they’re told when people are watching, but their mark won’t always be home or at school.
I have long advocated that the child fight back. They may win, they may lose, but bumps and bruises heal, and their tormentors will remember that their mark has teeth and move on to someone easier. Punishment from the school is a small price to pay.
For what it’s worth, it’s an imperfect solution. I acknowledge that. But I do know that the detentions I got in 2nd-3rd grade paid off for years, and the two Saturdays I got for strapping on a football player in high school paid off too. Oh, it hurt, but it was one and done. YMMV.
The school will probably have written policies on how they are supposed to handle situations like this. Request copies of relevant behaviour/anti-bullying/ethics policies, read them, then start asking pointed questions as to whether policy has been fully observed. It sounds like they haven’t.
This might seem an impotent course of action, but I can only say that in my experience ((I’m a governor at a local school here in the UK) it tends to get appropriate attention. YMMV
I “fought back” throughout my school years, & it never really helped.
The bullying never quit.
And teachers branded me as a troublemaker.
I could not agree more. As an artistic, undersized child I was relentlessly bullied throughout school as well. I tried ignoring them, telling on them, etc.. nothing works but fighting back.
However today’s society has become a lot less tolerant of bullying that it used to be. Zero tolerance rules mean that your son will get in trouble as well. That is OKAY. He needs to learn that fighting is a last resort when the proper channels fail you. there is no reason to simply accept torment because the authorities will not do anything.
While martial arts classes are good idea, you need to find a school that teaches applied theory. MMA, boxing, jui-jitsu or interdisciplinary schools are preferred. He needs to learn some basic self confidence and self defense.
Make certain he understands the following:
Words can be ignored,You can rise above teasing and stupid pranks, but there is never a reason for another person to put their hands on him, or steal his property. It is simply unacceptable. He should try to walk away, but if he is trapped, then fighting back is acceptable, consequences and all. He needs to understand that he may get beaten up a few times, but it will greatly reduce or stop the bullying.
(since this is the dope, I’ll mention that doctors, and police officers etc are not included in my sweeping pronouncement, I mean other kids)
General advice for both of you: Running away does not solve problems, it only delays them. You cannot run forever.
It sounds like fighting back is part of the problem. The school can’t do much because your son responds to bullying by bullying back. So what should the school do? Suspend or expel everyone? And, if the teacher isn’t watching every moment, it turns into “he started it!” on both sides. Fighting back physically to verbal abuse is a good way for a kid now to find himself kicked out of a school. As Bosda just said - its a good way for him to get branded as a troublemaker.
I think you’ll have the same issues with any school, unless your son is ready to be mainstreamed out of a class that has “emotionally disturbed” kids in it.
This would be a good place for homeschooling if you could manage it. Even for a few years to get him over any awkward age.
I have to respectfully disagree with you.
Part of the problem, painful as it is to admit to oneself is that he IS an awkward different kid. While he will no doubt grow out of some it, this is not the time in a young man’s life to coddle him. He is 13 now, and no longer a child. The years ahead will quite literally shape who he will become. He needs to learn that certain behaviours and mannerisms will not win him any friends and should be tempered. I’m not encouraging him to conform, because I do not believe that is correct either, but it is the time to learn to be flexible, adaptable, personable, and to confront, own, and overcome your shortcomings. He will be a happier, more well adjusted young man for this.
I did not realize this until far too late and had a mother that was supportive but like the OP wanted to take the route of least resistance. It took me several years to get over the scarring I took during that time. It ruined high school for me completely as I was an angry, ill adjusted little bugger, and to this day still haunts me in certain aspects of my life. Do not make this mistake. Young men need to develop confidence in themselves while knowing that Mom is at home for support and hugs. They don’t need them fighting their battles for them forever.