Son Getting Bullied At School- Help Me!

In My Humble Opinion
1

So my 13 year-old son has always had a problem with getting bullied. He has medical problems which caused his head to become enlarged as an infant, and although he’s catching up with it, he still looks a little different, and you know kids can’t be having that. The class he’s in now (or was in, I’ll explain) is a self-contained classroom, because he has special needs and an IEP and this is what he needs. However, this classroom also contains many emotionally disturbed kids, and they have bullied him mercilessly, as have all the other classrooms he’s ever been in. He has gotten into many fights and he has developed somewhat of an anger management problem, which I can’t really blame him for- these kids are truly cruel and hateful. I didn’t even know that third-graders would tell you that your mom’s a whore, until it happened to him.

Anyway, the past few weeks have been especially bad for him there. He is very angry and now is depressed. He has panic attacks at night before bed, just thinking about having to go to school. Morning are a mass of crying and hysteria, threats and begging. And you should see him! (ha) I have to walk him to the bus stop and stand there with him until it comes, or he’ll tell the bus driver that he’s not going to school, and he’ll come home and tell me that the bus never came.

I have attempted to speak to the principal of the school- he is apparently much too important to speak to parents, so I have to speak to the assistant principal. I have spoken to the school social worker and the psychologist about this, several times. I’ve spoken to the class aides about it, and his teacher, although she’s just about worthless when it comes to any kind of conflict or problem-solving. All of the people that I’ve spoken to about it give me two excuses: 1)this is a class full of emotionally disturbed children- what do you expect? and 2)my son retaliates by calling the bullies names, flipping them off, fighting them, etc.- essentially blaming the victim. Nothing has ever been done about the bullying in any way. A couple of the kids bullying him have been disciplined for major things, like when they threw his house key out the bus window (he also gets bullied on the bus), but for the most part, nothing substantial is ever done.

Yesterday I called (again) the assistant principal and the school psychologist and left them both messages that it was urgent that I speak with them. So far, I have heard nothing back. This morning, I kept him at home, and when the school called to report his absence, I advised them that he doesn’t go there anymore. I am not sending him back to that school- neither one of us can take it anymore. He can’t learn in school like this, and I can’t go through this major drama every morning and then work all day all emotionally exhausted.

What I’d really like to do is to hire an attorney to represent his interests. I feel that a school that openly declares that they have a policy of zero tolerance for bullying and then tolerates it has just opened themselves up to litigation. But how do I find an attorney that would have knowledge or specialization in this, and that I wouldn’t have to front an arm and a leg to? But should I hire an attorney? What other recourse do I have? It seems that if you have an IEP, then you have to be specially assigned to a self-contained classroom with an opening in the school district, by the school psychologist, who apparently will not call me back. ?? So I can’t even go put him in a new school myself- I’m at the mercy of these people that won’t return my calls.

I have been a wreck today about this- crying all morning, at work! I really need some guidance here of what to do next. When nobody at the school or the school district will listen to me or return my calls, what do I do?

2

The first thing you can do is pretty easy- send this OP to your local state representative or senator. If they’re anything like the ones I’ve dealt with in the past, they’ll start cracking heads right quick. I’m sure you can do that on their website. Bonus points for calling them directly or sending them a certified letter.

The second thing you can do is contact a lawyer that another, more informed poster will recommend. Do it. No excuses.

The third thing you can do is hire me to be his body guard and go beat up the little shits. J/K.

3

One other thing I thought of - is there a local TV or radio station with troubleshooting feature - consumer advocate or action line or something like that? Maybe that would get someone’s attention. It would help if you have documented what you’ve tried to do and when, so you don’t come across and someone who doesn’t first try to resolve the issue, which obviously you’ve been attempting to do.

… just a thought.

4

Document, document, document. Have him document, document, document. Review with him what the proper procedure is in the case of bullying, and have him document that he’s following it. Reports from him could look something like this:

You might then report:

And so on. Factual, detailed. You might help your son write his.

If you don’t have this documentation yet, you’re in a much weaker position. I’d advise you to create some retroactively, being as close to the truth as you can, but leave things vague when you don’t remember for sure (e.g., you don’t remember the day on which an incident happened, so you might say, “In early October” or something like that.)

This article discusses your recourses if you were in Ohio–obviously not your situation, but it has some good advice. Here’s a little info about anti-bullying legislation in Arizona.

And without blaming the victim, I’d approach it with him as a “how are we gonna win this thing?” strategy. If he’s fighting with other kids, it’s going to weaken his position when he wants to work with you to put an end to all of this; it’s not a winning strategy for him to fight back. A winning strategy for him will be to focus his rage into documentation and following the letter of the law. His rage is totally understandable, but the more he can avoid responding to assholes in-kind, the better off he’ll personally be.

5

Okay- I will write or call our local representative tomorrow. That I can do.

I’m not able to call the news, because I’m pathologically shy and not able to go on tv. But good suggestion, though, and something to keep in mind as a last resort.

What I don’t know is how to find a lawyer willing to work on this pro-bono or some kind of contingency- I don’t have hundreds or thousands of dollars to throw at this right now.

6

I agree with all of this. Unfortunately, we’re not going to be able to document any further bullying at this particular school, because we’re adamant that he’s not going to go back. I have found that when you reach a point where you just can’t take it anymore, it’s best to walk away, and we have both reached that point. But if this happens in future classrooms, I will definitely have him document every single minute of it, every time. It truly sucks to be the next school that this happens in.

I understand that he shouldn’t fight back, and we’ve discussed different strategies of how he can handle bullying many, many times. Logically, it’s easy to say you shouldn’t fight back, but I’m sure anyone can understand that after a certain point, it’s just human nature to want to whip some ass. So I can’t really blame him for that.

7

Alice try the Pima County Lawyer Referral Service:
http://www.pimacountybar.org/web/lawyer-referral-service-lrs

Without having any experience with this particular association, Bar Association-based referral services are normally on the level. They match you with someone who has experience in your topic of law and you get a 1/2 hour consult for $35.

8

I think you are missing the larger issue. Document all that you do. So even if your child isn’t returning to this particulars school, document that fact.
[ul]
[li]10 November 2011 - Decide child will not return to XXX school.[/li][li]10 November 2011 - Contacted school district (and spoke with xxx) about transferring to different school.[/li][li]Etc.[/li][/ul]
In other words, keep a diary (for yourself), of everything you do, you decide, who you talk with about your son, their response, etc. Date and timestamp every entry.

9

Karate OR Judo lessons. ASAP

Judo is better and it’s a defensive skill. Everyone needs to learn to defend themselves. You can’t expect a teacher or cop to follow you around forever.

10

But what about your mother- huh? Oh, no? Okay, then. This is actually something that we’ve been talking about, and we’re going to call around and check it out.

11

Thank you for this information. I’ll call them as soon as I get a block of free time, which will be tomorrow at the latest.

Certainly I could have found all of this advice by myself, but I am feeling quite emotional about this and it’s making me feel scatter-brained and disorganized. It really helps to come here and lay out what’s going on and get some level-headed advice, that’s for sure.

12

He’s 13. He doesn’t need a lawyer. He needs to be told that it’s okay for him to stand up for himself and fight back - and then do it - but he also needs to learn when to do it and how to not become a bully himself. Yes, the school will disapprove, but they’ve failed to help so far.

13

A lot of people think that if you just fight back, bullying will stop. That’s not necessarily the case. For one thing, although he’s well on his way to puberty, he’s not quite there yet, and a lot of boys his age are physically stronger than him. Not to mention his disability may prevent him from being an effective ass-kicker. Plus, there is often more than one bully at a time, and so if he physically fights back, then he’s fighting more than one child at a time. Also, the school’s policy on fighting is that anyone fighting gets suspended, not just the instigator. I don’t want him suspended, I want the problem to be solved. The bottom line is I want him to be protected, not to have to fight other kids.

14

Two drive-by suggestions, not based on experience or personal knowledge, just brainstorming: look for a civil rights attorney, or one of those “take it on contingency advertise on tv” lawyers. Plus, depending on your local political structure, you should probably contact your school board representative and/or superintendent’s office. And yes, document like a motherfucker.

And I personally don’t think that Junior Goon should be advised to fight unless he is physically attacked first. Too many bad repercussions.

15

Are there any groups for disabled kids/ people in your town? Where I live, there’s an organization for mentally handicapped people that helps them get jobs-- while this certainly isn’t at all what you’re looking for, I’m betting that someone there would be able to refer you to an attorney. Just a thought.

I’ll also second the politicians. You’d be surprised how quickly they’ll jump to your aid.

16

So you’ve documented your calls to the school and their lack of reply. Go ahead now and document as much as you can remember of the history of this problem.

I agree, work with your kid on the history, and have him start documenting things on his own. If writing them down at the time is a problem, maybe a little digital tape recorder?

Think of it as a learning experience - you’re learning & teaching your kid how to deal with uncooperative bureaucracies. It’s a valuable skill. And thinking of it that way may help both of you deal with the hassles a little better. Instead of getting angry about what kids are doing, he can think “aha! more evidence, just what I needed!”.

Next, call the principal about getting him transferred. If they try to brush you off, explain that the VP isn’t returning your calls and this situation is urgent. Keep documenting.

If you don’t get any help there, call the superintendent of schools (or whatever it’s called in your area) and explain what’s been going on. Keep documenting.

If that doesn’t work, call the school board. Keep documenting.

Is there a separate system for the IEP kids / psychologist? If so, work up that chain too, while you’re at it. Document, document, document.

This doesn’t have to take forever - give each one a day or two to reply and, if you don’t get an acceptable reply, move up the chain.

I’d do all of that before contacting a senator/representative, just to show that you’re trying to work within the system and getting no help.

It won’t hurt to go ahead and talk to a lawyer as well, just to learn about your options. I’d avoid mentioning that you’re doing so when talking to the above listed folks, however. They tend to get defensive and non-cooperative if they thing they’re gonna get sued. Wait to pull out that gun until you have to.

Definitely get the kid into martial arts ASAP. It’s not so much about learning how to fight as a change in body language that often comes from the physical and mental discipline. Moving your kid isn’t going to help if he still comes across as a target. And if you talk to the teacher, this can be a place for him to let out his rage in a reasonably constructive fashion, which should help his mental balance.

17

I’m going to second this. He will get some self-confidence but an added benefit is that he gets to hang with kids in similar situations. It’s kind of like joining band :slight_smile:

18

Chessic is right. Politicians have staffs composed of people who do nothing but fix shit for their constituents, they LOVE stuff like this, makes 'em look good and generally gets 'em votes.

Make them be useful for once and earn their grossly inflated salaries . Contact all of your representatives AND your governor. A few years ago when I lived in another state of my governor’s gophers helped me cut through a shitload of red tape and got something extremely important resolved for me within 2 hours.

19

This part especially disturbs me. Instead of just hand-waving it, there should be even more of an effort to control this behavior now to make these kids able to function in society when they are older.

20

Fight back with this weapon of choice…your son’s IEP.

Some of these sites deal with bullying kids with autism, but I think you can draw some parallels here and get the school to actually follow what is spelled out in an IEP, and therefore, hold the whole school responsible. They may try to talk you out of it, but keeping pushing back…YOU are your sons protector from bullies.