Well OK then.
Here I go.
Heraclitus (ca. 535–ca. 475 BC) believed that “war is the father of all things.” Well shit, now that’s pretty fucking metal, right? Motörhead’s gotcha covered: “Over the fields of corpses, / Over the broken and maimed, / Over the enemy’s banners, beaten and trampled and shamed.”
Empedocles (ca. 490–ca. 430 BC) seems to have been a waaaaay more chilled out dude: Violence was very uncool, he wrote. Once again, paradoxically, it’s Motörhead to the rescue.
Epictetus (55-135 AD) believed, as did the Stoics, that each individual can, and should, do the right thing at all times, no matter the consequences, and without ever expecting earthly glory in return. If one did all this, and calmly followed the paths of reason and duty, one could never go wrong. Or as a great Stoic philosopher once put it, “You know you can’t be hurt, / You gotta believe in your star, / They’ll always treat you like dirt, / They can only push you so far, / They can’t take it away, / If you’ve got something to say. […] You mustn’t shout it out loud, / Don’t create a scene, / Don’t indulge in being proud / It only feeds their scheme.” And that great Stoic philosopher was Lemmy from Motörhead.
Epicurus (341 BCE – 270 BCE), on the other hand, believed that hey, fuck duty, pleasure is where it’s at. So… Motörhead, right? Oh yes: “A million miles, a million girls / A million real good times!”
Then… Ugh… I’m getting a bit tired… Let’s fast forward here… Medieval era… Thomas Of Aquinas… Blah blah blah…
Ah, my man Voltaire (1694-1778)! This being the Age Of Enlightenment, he wrote of the Biblical God that his “image is of agony, [his] servants rape the land / obsequious and arrogant, clandestine and vain / two thousand years of misery, of torture in [his] name / hypocrisy made paramount, paranoia the law / [his] name is called religion, sadistic, sacred whore.” Oh, wait, no, I got confused – that was Motörhead again. But it sums up Voltaire’s thoughts beautifully, at least where it comes to the God of the Bible.
Then there was Marx (1818-1883). He thought bankers were a nasty bunch of sons of bitches. Well, guess what? So does Motörhead.
Who else? Who have I missed?
Nietzsche, you say? Oh, you mean the guy who believed art should be wild, chaotic, ecstatic, irrational? Who said that “you need chaos in your soul to give birth to a dancing star”? Who believed that life is “a thousand times too short for us to bore ourselves”!? Who looked like fucking this, for God’s sake!!??? Clearly, I mean clearly, he was the Lemmy Kilmister of his day.