I got back from a conference in DC and the wife filled me in on all the household happenings while I was away.
My 17 year old son had some friends over last weekend and as a good-natured prank one of them suggested to the other who was driving his mom’s SUV to ‘box’ my son’s car in by driving up close alongside it. The driver agreed and backed off the driveway and then attempted to pull up alongside my son’s car which was parked on the street in front of the house. He got too close to the car and my son, who was on the driveway watching, heard a scraping sound and went to investigate. The SUV bumper caused some denting and a three foot scratch along the driver-side passenger door and back panel.
Now, my son seemed satisfied that his friend felt bad about the incident and also that he purchased a $15 bottle of scratch remover.
My son’s car was purchased about two weeks ago with him supplying about a third of the total purchase price. It’s a 10 year old Maxima that is in decent shape but the body has existing scratches and a little rust and would be considered only in fair condition.
I explained to my son that we need to get an estimate of the damage and present it to his friend for compensation. My son doesn’t want to get insurance involved at all and he doesn’t want to have anything personally to do with it. He is torn because the kid is a very good friend and will be made to pay out of pocket for the damages and since he is a student with a part-time job at a restaurant my son feels it will overly tax him financially. It doesn’t matter to my son if the damage ever gets fixed because his friendship is more important to him.
I went and got an estimate of the damage which came to around $1400. We told our son to call his friend and tell him we would be in contact with his parents. His friend hadn’t yet told his mother about the accident.
I had to explain the concept of liability and responsibility to my son which he understood but he was insistent that the damages be fair to his friend, and something that he could afford. We discussed possibly accepting half the estimate amount which my son could use toward proper maintenance of his vehicle. My son liked that idea but said his friend would have a difficut time understanding why the money would not be put towards repairing the damage.
Anyway, the way it stands now is we contacted the boy’s mother who figures the estimate is too high and will likely ask for another. We haven’t raised the issue of asking for any less than the total repair cost as yet. The boy has lost the use of his mother’s vehicle for now. We’ll have to wait to see how it plays out.
I hate it for your son’t friend, but he needs to learn now that playing jokes with automobiles is not a good idea. This lesson is fairly inexpensive and no one was hurt physically.
Considering that the car is used and already has damage, rust and scratches, I personally would have let it go. I wouldn’t pay for a $1400 cosmetic repair if I did it to my own car, why would I hold my friend to a higher standard for a silly, if stupid, joke?
I also think you took away a valuable learning experience for your son - the lesson that he is responsible for his own stuff. You came in and managed everything for him. He made a decision about his own property which you didn’t respect. While I can see stepping in if it’s a matter of safety, this wasn’t that at all.
Finally, it’s not your job to teach someone else’s kid a lesson. It’s your job to keep your children safe and to teach them how to make their own decisions and plans of action, and to carry them out.
So, no, I wouldn’t have done what you did. That doesn’t mean you did the wrong thing - just that it wouldn’t have happened that way in my family. Luckily, we both have the freedom to parent as we see best for our own individual kids.
Did you loan your son the money to buy the car or give it to him? In other words, whose car is it? If it’s his, then I say let him decide how to handle this.
Good point. Is this your car or your son’s car? I’m not so much interested in where the money came from - a gift is the property of the recipient - but in the spirit of the thing. If it was given to your son, then what I wrote above applies. If it’s your car and he’s just the primary driver, then scratch that, it’s your car, you call the shots.
Yeah, I think you overstepped your bounds on this one. Your son made his own decision and in your attempts to teach him to be a man you infantilized him, telling him that he wasn’t responsible enough to make a responsible decision about something which, if irrelevant to him, I do not understand why it is relevant to you. It’s his car, sure you helped pay for it, but he’s the one that’s going to drive it. He felt that the problem was fixed amicably, and now you are driving a wedge between him and his friend, something he did not want to happen.
Forgiveness is also a manly trait. If we could see a picture of the damage it would help us understand better, but the damage you described does not seem like it would be anywhere near $ 1400. Sounds like a body shop that would fix the entire body of the car because they couldn’t match the paint on the area with the problem.
Your son, as a man, made a decision, you took that away from him, removed him from the driver’s seat and put him in the back seat, and now he’s going along with you because you are a figure of authority, not because he’s learning a lesson about being an adult.
I have to agree that if it is your son’s car, then it was your son’s right to decide what fair compensation was.
You far overstepped yourself in contacting the mother of your son’s friend. That mother was correct that the estimate was too high for the damage you reported and the car’s condition as you described it.
And your son is correct in that his friend will not undestand if you force him to pay the bill – and then none of that money is applied to fixing the damage. That sounds more akin to extortion on your part than reparition on the friend’s part.
Frankly I think you owe an apology to your son and to his friend for your behavior. They’ve long-since past the age where their mommies and daddies should be getting together to decide on apologies and punishments.
I think your son handled this admirably, and both he and the friend have learned lessons. Here’s a perspective from a former (accidental) car damager - me.
When I was in college, I was in a club that was known for playing pranks on one another. Once we decided to prank a guy’s car (whom I should point out I didn’t know very well) by white shoe polishing his windows. We went to town - especially me.
A few days later I heard the guy was kind of put out by the whole thing. I told a friend, “Shit, what’s the big deal? Just go to the car wash and clean your windows.” My friend said, “Yeah, except that the shoe polish wasn’t water based. So it’s a bitch to come off.”
I was on financial aid and I sure as hell didn’t have any cash, so I kept schtum about it. When we had our next initiation, the guy welcomed the members and told them to make sure they used water-based shoe polish on their pranks! I was mortified. I think the guy had a lot of money and it didn’t dent his pocketbook too much, but I still felt, and to this day, feel like shit for a) doing it and b) not stepping up and admitting that I did it. The guy would have in all likelihood blown it off, but at least I’d have a clear conscience.
I’m moving back to my hometown soon and it’s possible that I’ll run into this guy. I hope so, so I can 'fess and square up, and at least buy him a beer. Sorry, AG! Your son and his friend handled this far more maturely than I did when I was considerably older.
On the one hand, your son is not quite legally an adult yet, though I think he’s close enough to start thinking about acting like one. You also kicked in two-thirds of the car’s cost.
On the other hand, the car is your son’s. I think it’s up to him to decide how to handle the situation. He should also bear the cost of repairs if he so chooses to have it repaired. The best lesson in responsibility he can have is to have to deal with the situation himself. If he’s satisfied with a tube of scratch remover then so be it. Sure, you’re welcome to talk to him about it. You’re not done raising him just yet, after all, but after you’ve told him about personal responsibility and handling things like an adult, the final decision should be his to make, as it would be if he were legally an adult.
10 year old car? Three foot scratch? $1400? I don’t think so. Your son is right – it’s no big deal for a car that age. That’s why you buy teenagers older cars. The friend who was fooling around probably needs (and got) a lesson in fooling around with cars, but to insist on reparations for a repair that most people would blow off is unreasonable.
The fact that the car’s resale value would not be affected by the damage and the damage does not affect the operation of the vehicle is important.
In discussing the matter with my son, he would be satisfied trying the inexpensive repair product and getting his friend to agree to spring for a decent dinner. I’ll respect his wishes.
As his parent I may have placed too much emphasis on the legal aspect of the situation and less on the ethical. I’m proud to say I’m raising a pretty mature kid.
First of all, I helped my son with the incident because he asked me. He had no experience with accidents and wanted my input. I told him that his friend was liable for the damages he caused through his negligent behavior.
What makes you think I was trying to teach his friend a lesson? I was looking at the incident from a purely legalistic standpoint. You’re coming across as self-righteous.
My son values his friendships but he’s also slightly upset at the appearance of his car after the damage.
Judging by the facts, and the general tone, of your original post, I think you went too heavy on the legalistic side and too soft on the parental understanding side. Once you explained the proper procedures, it seems your son still didn’t want to pursue his friend legally and I think you should have respected his wishes. I’m not talking down to you, I’ve certainly made worse judgements as a parent.
I’d suggest you contact the other boy’s parents and tell them you’re going to let the boys work it out between themselves.
I’m guessing that any lessons to be learned have been properly emphasised already.
I don’t really have an opinion one way or the other on how it was handled, but it’s just further evidence that I just really don’t comprehend the idiot behavior that kids seem to display. I didn’t understand it when I was that age and I saw my peers doing it, and I don’t understand it now that I’m in my mid-30s. What makes people such idiots? The level of poor judgment involved in most “pranks” is just staggering to me. You just don’t fuck with other people’s property. You just DON’T.
Ok, that’s great. Then I think you did fine. If you had put that in the OP, I would have had an entirely different opinion on the matter. I can only offer comment (at your request) on what you write.
The title of the thread, mostly. Plus the first few replies were all from the standpoint of the other kid learning to be more careful.
Again, not in the OP. What’s in the OP gave me the impression that your son doesn’t want to pursue anything. Sentences like, “my son seemed satisfied that his friend felt bad about the incident and also that he purchased a $15 bottle of scratch remover,” and “My son doesn’t want to get insurance involved at all and he doesn’t want to have anything personally to do with it.” and “It doesn’t matter to my son if the damage ever gets fixed because his friendship is more important to him.” were what led me to that conclusion.