Dear Blithering Idiots…Errrrr. I mean Faithful Followers:
I appreciate your faith and devotion, especially in times like these. I don’t want you to think that I’ve forsaken you, but the fact of the matter is it’s been a tough 11 years on all of us.
First, I must tell you, traffic has been simply awful. Otherwise I would have been there already. I was all set to show up on time, but it seems like it’s always rush hour. All these damnable Near Death Encounters have made it all but impossible to come back from the dead. If I have to listen to one more “nearly dead” debating “Should I go to the Light?” and “Stay away from the Light!!!” I’m going to puke. Make up your damn mind, you idiots! It’s tough enough coming back from the dead without you clogging up the roads while you make up your mind. I’m the Effin’ Messiah, Get the Hell Out of My Way!!!
Second, I hate to admit it but my alarm clock didn’t go off. I swear I left a wake-up call for April 22, 2003, but you know how these damned hostels are. They can’t even get me a mint on my pillow, how the heck can they be trusted to wake me up in time for my second coming. When I get back, they’re all in big trouble.
Third, you won’t believe this. I was packed and on my way back, and the Frickin’ Boat got a flat tire, or whatever it is that boats get. Here I was, on time to sail the River Styx and return to you, my faithful flock, and the idiot ferryman doesn’t keep a spare… well, a spare whatever it is they need on boats. I swear I would have been on time, except for that.
Fourth, I don’t know who the hell runs the ship at AstralMapquest, but they give really crappy directions. I spent a good 5 years on the road back to you, my brainless… I mean my true believers, only to find out AstralMap had screwed up my directions and sent me to Limbo. You ever been to Limbo? You can’t even get a good AK-47 in Limbo, it’s that bad. Really, it wasn’t my fault.
Finally, I’m sick and tired of all this hype around Jesus. Sure, he came back after only 3 days, but c’mon, his dad created the universe in only seven. Poor old me didn’t have a chance of meeting the impossible timetable Jesus set. And let me just tell you, the trains ran a hell of a lot better back then than they do now. He got all the breaks. Jerk.
So, anyway. I just wanted you to know, I’ll be there in just a bit. Sure, it’s taking longer than any of us had anticipated, but I think I’m making some serious headway now, and it won’t be long until I can take my rightful place as your Messiah. And heaven knows the fun we’re going to have. Smiting the unrighteous. Shooting automatic weapons. Setting fires. It’ll be a blast. And I promise I won’t have any of you shot or purposefully have fires set that will kill you. I learned by lesson, let me tell you!! Everything will be just fine. So don’t worry your pretty little heads, because I’ll be there soon. Sorry for the delay.
Oh, make sure that when I get back, I have a fully stocked armory and some underage girls I can make my wife. It makes the whole Messiah gig a lot easier to handle.
Your humble Messiah,
David Koresh.