Sort of a serious question. This has been bothering me for a while...

This past November, my mother was found to have a very large brain aneurysm and needed surgery to have it clamped. It was a difficult time in my family’s life but she got out of the hospital a few days before Christmas, and although she is not at 100%, she is doing considerably better. I am very close to my mom and have been there almost every day since she got out of the hospital.

Anyways, my father retired (rather was forceably retired) from his job in fall of last year, so there was no insurance during the time of the event. My mom worked part time as a waitress, but that was supplemental income. Through the generosity of the hospital however, all hospital bills were paid and even future follow up visits were covered. There was a few bills from an emergency care facility at another hospital that were also covered by a reimbursement plan my dad had through his company. So all is pretty well financially, my mother doesn’t have her extra income, but my parents are doing well thanks to my dad’s retirement, even though they intensely dislike one another (that’s a story for another day).

Before the hospital agreed to pay my sister came up with the idea for an elimination dinner. I thought this was a good idea, we laid out the groundwork on what had to be done, etc. but once I found out that all the bills were going to be paid for, my enthusiasm towards this dinner lessened and I though that there really wasn’t a need to raise a lot of money, and if we continued, it would be under false pretenses and I really wasn’t up to that. I hoped my sister and mother would have agreed but they didn’t.

We initially printed out 200 tickets for this dinner months ago and so far have sold 45. My mother and sister have been soliciting every place, even to strangers to buy tickets for this dinner. My sister even wanted me to put an ad in the paper for this. With time coming closer (this dinner is Saturday the 9th), I wrongly assumed that the steam would run out and this dinner would be canceled. Now it may seem wrong of me to want this dinner not to happen but the main reason is, my sister and mother are still pushing that the medical bills have been piling up and this elimination dinner would really help ease it all. But the real reason my mom wants this dinner to happen is to have money to buy for Christmas! Now I could absolutely care less about getting gifts for Christmas, it makes no difference to me. I know it’s my mom’s favorite holiday and she loves buying for kids and grandkids but I feel that this is so wrong on many levels. My wife is upset as well that this is happening and my other sister as well as my dad feel that saying something is ultimately going to bite them in the ass. I’m too much of a coward to bring it up to my sister, I know I would be demonized as the child who didn’t want to help his poor mom, and my mom has been very depressed since all of this happened and I can’t make myself say something, and now it looks to be too late. Here is the icing on the cake. Since ticket sales were so low, my sister wants to rig the dinner so the main $1,000 prize is given to a goof friend of my mothers who said he wouldn’t keep the money, but instead give it all back to my mom.

I feel that this whole ordeal is wrong and my sister and mom don’t understand why people aren’t buying tickets. I think my family knows that my parents are doing just fine and her friends who have bought the tickets don’t know any better.

I just wanted to get this off my chest, it is causing my an enormous amount of stress and pain…I just want some other opinions.

I think you are entirely right to feel uncomfortable about this. It’s hard to watch people you care about act unethically, but that’s what is happening.

Frankly, it would be impossible for me to participate in such a lie, and although I am incredibly conflict adverse, I’d have to say something.

Glad your mom is ok- sounds like it was pretty scary.

Fraud. Fraud? Fraud fraud fraud fraud fraud. And did I mention, fraud?

ETA: Glad to hear your mom is okay from the aneurysm.

What you’re mom and sister are doing is fraud. On top of lying to people about the cause, now your sister is trying to rig the prize - this is wrong on so many levels that you don’t even need to apologize for not participating. If they give you grief for not helping - tell them you’re saving your energy for when the police and the IRS are investigating them for fraud and they’ll need to have an elimination dinner to pay their legal bills.

There is no nice way to tell them that they are stealing under the guise of charity. So stop being so nice about it and just tell them anyway.

Thanks for your reply. It was indeed a scary time. My mom’s personality and outlook have changed a good deal and it’s hard for me (and I can imagine her too), being as close as I am, to see that. She gets so upset if there is a day I don’t come over. I’ll talk to her on the phone and she will cry and I feel horrible. I’ve never been one to have to show people how much I care about my mom, I just did it because that’s what I feel is right. My sister on the other hand feels the need to put on a show and let everyone know, this dinner was her idea and she is helping her poor mom and you are horrible if you don’t. It makes my head spin.

Before this all happened, my mother wouldn’t think of doing such a thing. My mom is angry and upset at the world and I feel sometimes that she thinks that this is owed to her. I understand her feelings, or at least sympathize with what she is going through, but my sister is the one that is putting this in her head because my sister has ALWAYS been like this and although she is a nice person, she is not one to stray away from opportunity or drama.

To expand on the fraud that your family is about to perpetrate, other than the legality of it (I don’t know if it’s legal, but I suspect it isn’t), people tend to find out the truth about things like this, and they don’t like being played for chumps. Also, your whole family will be painted with the same brush, not just your sister.

Has your mom had any grief counselling for her life-changing event? It sounds like it has really shaken her up, which is totally normal, but she might need to learn how to cope with it better.

She was taken in for an evaluation for Social Security and said it really helped her but she doesn’t want to go back, for whatever reason. I agree with you 100%.

There are some really good books on grief - maybe she’d be open to reading one or two if you bought them for her (calling Brynda! - need some recommendations!).

You are 100% right.

Your mother and sister should be refunding the tickets that were sold.

This, to me, seems exactly like a situation where just telling the truth from the beginning would have solved everything. The idea of a family going through such a traumatic ordeal and then being unable let their kids and grandkids participate in the celebrated tradition that is Christmas-time gift-giving and receiving due to all the expenses is a empathy-triggering idea to many people, I’m sure. Many people would probably have purchased the tickets under honest pretenses anyway. There wasn’t even a need for all the deception and fraud, and that is indeed what it was.

I hope none of the people who are victims of this fraud decide to sue and/or press charges. Your mother and sister have time to remedy things before they land in jail. Don’t think it can’t happen. If it were me, and my family were doing this, I’d threaten to report them to the police myself unless they refund every dime. Good luck.

Given she had brain surgery, I’m willing to give your mom the benefit of the doubt since you say she’d never have done this before. She may be feeling entitled, but that could very well be a symptom - she simply may not be right in the head.

Your sister, on the other hand, is just a thief.

Right or wrong, this is YOUR reputation on the line, too, no matter how far removed you are from it. Shayna is right - threaten to go to the cops if they don’t call it off. Chances are if you go to the cops BEFORE the dinner, action could be taken quietly in deference to your mom’s poor health.

It’s not too late. You need to act now, though. You also need to consider how this looks to your wife of all people – if I knew Mr. Panda didn’t stop his family from pulling a stunt like this, I’d still love him but it’d definitely make me think he was spineless. And spineless ain’t sexy.

Speaking as someone who is active in running fundraisers for local charities…honesty in representation is one of the most important things you can have. For instance, I’ve had to explain to some committee members that if they ask for money for a specific thing - a directed donation - then they had damn well better spend it on that. No redirection of funds to something else. And I’m just talking about someone donating money for a fence, and us using it to build some new benches.

Your family is committing fraud, as mentioned above.

Not only are people going to be mad, but they might actually hold it against other REAL charities in the future.

If you can’t stop it from happening, I’d suggest at least distancing yourself from it as much as possible. But stopping it is the best choice, IMO.

-D/a

I don’t actually think stint can distance himself from it - anyone who finds out about this will think less of the whole family - I know I would, since it is the family who is hosting the dinner.

I hadn’t thought of going to the police; I was thinking more along the lines of calling the people who have bought tickets and telling them what’s going on. Actually, I was thinking of telling the sister that that’s what you’re going to do if they don’t call it off themselves. This is just plain wrong.

True…inaction will probably be seen as being part of it…
-D/a

cough

what’s an elimination dinner?

Sorry, Google and wikipedia are being completely useless on this.

Will you stop the fraud and return the money, or will you continue to be a party to it?

There was a case recently where a mother kept her daughter’s head shaved and put out cans for donations for the girl’s leukemia. Fraud. When the shit hits the fan it won’t be pretty.

Here’s one story of a woman who was arrested following a fundraising scheme for nonexistant medical bills. Here’s another. More here.

Now, granted, your mom is not faking her illness to begin with, but she is faking the need for money to pay medical bills.

Standing idly by isn’t going to stop the fraud. I don’t know where you live, but there could be some serious consequences for your mom. Even if there aren’t legal consequences, she will lose friends and the support of family over this, and it doesn’t sounds as though she is strong enough to endure that.