Soulless Evil Revealed in Parking Lot

I was at the mall earlier today. Hot day, lots of sun. Parking lot was pretty crowded, which wasn’t helped by the prize specimin who had parked their SUV across three empty spaces. 'Cause God forbid this matte-white pustule-mobile should get a scratch. Never mind that there hasn’t been an American car produced in the last forty years that wouldn’t look better after being worked over with a sledgehammer, or at least not look appreciably worse. The point here is that it was an SUV. Y’know, a sports utility vehicle? Or even, a sports utility vehicle? Something about a pristine SUV just screams “pretentious wanker.” A battered, mudstained SUV at least shows that the driver has an actual need for one of these gargantuan gas-hogs.

Okay, at this point, the reader is doubtlessly waiting for me to start refering to myself in the third person and spastically shouting “SCORE!” But this isn’t an SUV rant, or even a parking rant. It’s also not a rant about the icthys that this doorknob had painted on his rear bumper with what looked like red tempera. Sure, I’m always a bit suspicious of people whose entire belief system can be summarized with a bumper sticker, but whatever. Although you’d think that anyone proud enough of their Christianity to sport a Jesus Fish would be proud enough to cough up the ten or fifteen bucks it costs to get a decent, metal, bolt-on type. And then there’s the seeming incompatibility of taking up three spaces so your precious vehicle doesn’t get scratched despite the fact that you’ve already personally defaced said vehicle with your arts’n’crafts religious statement. But this isn’t a rant about cheapskates with icthys, either.

And, really, this isn’t a rant about people who keep their dogs locked in their cars in parking lots on hot sunny days. Yes, that’s cruel and dangerous, no doubt about it. Although the dog in question apparently hadn’t gotten heatstroke yet, if the volume of its baying was anything to go on. Honestly, the poor critter was howling like it was chasing an escaped slave through a Georgia swamp.

But this rant isn’t about people who do any one of the above things. It’s about people who do all three, like the abominable fuckpuppet I saw parked at the mall today. And, of course, this was the one day I left my rocket launcher at home. Figures.

Oh, and for the animal lovers out there worried about the dog, rest assured that mall security was swiftly informed, and a mall cop armed with a slim jim was en route when I left. How a crunchy beef-flavored snack was going to help in this situation is beyond me, but I assume the security guards knew what they were doing.

Actually, in hindsight, I regret telling the security guy about it. A brick through the windshield would have been quicker, more satisfying, and (for a change) morally defensible. Oh, well. Maybe next time.

How did Father…er… I mean… Miller know what was going through Homebrew’s mind?

Y’know, I noticed a sporty car–nothing to bark at, just a regular ol’ Lumina or something–in an apartment complex that was parked at an angle like this, across a couple of spaces. It’s a small lot, too, not big enough for anyone to take up extra space.
A day or so later, I noticed that there were cars parked identically, on both sides of it, just a tad closer to it than they might be, were said Lumina in a regular-joe type space.
It’s been a week now, all the cars in that section have switched to angled, sardine-like parking, and the Lumina has moved to a back section of the lot.
Maybe I’m easy to please, but it just cracks me up.

     ...back to your regularly scheduled rant....


Soulless Evil in Parking Lot?

It’s not quite up there with “Headless Body in Topless Bar”, but it’ll do fine. I give the unknown owner a complete pass on the scrawled ichthys (hey, it’s his/her artistic vision, y’know? or maybe his/her kid contributed it); a partial pass on the nervously-parked pristine SUV (after all, [clenched teeth] people do have a perfect right to keep a big SUV just as a suburban vanity car even if [\clenched teeth] I personally find it REVOLTING!! pant pant); no pass at all on taking up three spaces in a crowded lot; and a big honkin’ triple UnPass to cancel out all the others and then some on leaving a poor dog to fry in the back seat. (Can’t help wondering who they think they’re going to impress with that pristine white paint job if the interior’s covered in dog hair, btw.)

Was your re-initialisation of SUV as “SubUrban Vanity” a pure coincidence Kimstu? Your brain being more subtle than you were previously aware? Or was it an intentionally witty wheeze?


Wow, does that mean the fact that I haven’t bothered to repair the door of my Explorer in 4 months mean I’m…like…legit?

And here I just thought I was cheap.

Back when I was young and impetuous, I’d get so angry when people took up more than one parking space (in the interest of Door Ding Protection) that I’d squee-ee-ee-ee-ee-eze my crusty ass Escort right in next to them, as close as possible (I gave myself bonus points if I was able to rob them of any hope of getting into the car via the driver’s side).

Good times.

Now that I’m too old to outrun them ;), of course, I merely fantasize about such things (ditto the slamming on of brakes when someone’s riding my ass on the highway), and take another space.

I feel your pain, though.

Miller, that’s why I love driving a bigass station with bench seats. It means you can pull right into the little slot next to the guy who’s straddled across three spaces and then slide out the unobstructed passenger door. :smiley:

That was an excellent post, just angry enough, well written and the layout was great, super user friendly, all in all, one of the best pit OP’s I have ever seen.



Cicero would be proud.


Cicero would be proud.

Just so you know, soulless evil was revealed to me in a parking lot this weekend as well.

My car was hit in a parking lot while I was in at the gym. The hitter decided to leave without leaving a note.

Thankfully a witness had the good sense to note the make of the truck and get the license plate number.

My insurance company is in the process of contacting the driver right now…

Evil, indeed.

Yeah, I haven’t washed my Jeep in five months. I don’t even remember what color it was. Does that make me a hairy-assed mountain man or just a lazy fuck?

I’ll bet the reason security armed himself with a Slim Jim was to distract the poor doggum’s attention should it have been necessary to put a hand inside the car. The dog might not have been too hot to still defend his (asshole) master’s car.

I confess that, in my youth, I keyed a car. It was in the parking lot of the Riverwalk in New Orleans, and this guy decided to take up four parking spaces by parking smack in the middle of them. I don’t know why, but I just boiled at the thought of this, and a friend and I keyed it. I felt bad about it the next day - the guy was an asshole, but was that really the correct thing to do?

I’m not saying it was the right thing to do, Lego, but I’ve always wanted to scratch “Have a Nice Day, Fucker!” on one of those fucker’s hoods.

To quote Ozzy Osbourne: “Evil, evil, fucking evil.”

3 guesses as to what my new favorite show is, and your first 2 don’t count.

Yeah, the driver was an ass to take up three parking spots. However, here is a reminder that not everyone lives in Urban areas and drives an SUV for the looks.

We own a 2001 Explorer. It’s black and it’s filthy (on the outside). It hauls our two large (175 pounds between them) dogs, bales of hay and straw, fifty pound sacks of feed and dog food, lumber, furniture, groceries, etc. It also takes us into the foothills that surround where we live.

Some of us actually use our vehicle, but even if we didn’t, I can never figure out what the fuck it is to you that don’t like SUVs. Get over yourselves.

(As an aside, all people who leave their dogs (or kids) in a vehicle on a warm or hot day should be prosecuted and punished severely. And they should be not allowed to have dogs (or kids) ever again. It doesn’t fucking matter what kind of vehicle they drive.)

Maybe he had several candy canes shoved up his ass and that allignment was the only way he could exit his vehicle.

psst… a slim jim is a metal strip that is used to open a locked car door… miller was making a joke…