Some theorize that it is Jupiter’s gigantic presence in our solar system that has prevented lil old Earth from being destroyed by roaming asteroids to this point. So maybe you should dedicate your $83 to blowing up Jupiter and then let nature take its course with us.
Heck, Jupiter’s mostly gaseous anyway, how hard could it be to destroy that? Seems like a big enough fan might do it.
Hmmm…Just for clarification, would it be within your parameters to take big chunks out of the planet, if not vaporizing it completely? Say, along the lines of making the planet look like one of these? (Actually, I had in mind more of something that looked like an X-Ray of a–Well, no need to go into unpleasant details. Suffice it to say, I found a more innocuous example of what I’m imagining for good old La Terre.)
Ranchoth
You could go cheap and simply pump pictures into people’s heads, * al la * the Matrix, that showed the earth as destroyed. Then no one would know you didn’t really blo it up and what they don’t know can’t hurt 'em.
Ranchoth writes:
Turning the Earth into something that looks like a popped balloon would be great. Remember, I was happy to just crack the damn thing in half. So, almost total obliteration would work just peachy.
So how do I do this?
Ranchoth writes:
Am I the only one who missing something? An x-ray of what?
I didn’t think you’d want to hear what I was going to compare the appearance a possible post-destruction Earth to. At least, not if you wanted to eat anytime soon.
Say, may I suggest doing something with Neutrinos? Say, convert a whole bunch of them streaming towards Earth off the sun into another type of particle…like Neutrons? VERY science-fictioney, but If we’re considering alien intervention, maybe we could allow some leeway?
Heck, you wouldn’t necessarily have to convert the neutrinos into another type of particle…just find a way of making parts of Earth crust “opaque” to them (Which is MUCH easier, of course 
), and let the particle cascade tear them off like a toupee in a stiff wind.
Ranchoth
An earlier post gave me an idea. What if we made the earth spin faster and faster until it tore itself apart?
How fast would we need to go? I seem to have forgotten my high school Physics.
I think that’s the first time an astronomy joke has made me laugh out loud. Don’t pick on poor Pluto like that! It’s no more’n what God made it!
Oh man, I’m a geek aren’t I?
Wait a minute, could we do something like Chronos’ Oort cloud plan with Pluto? Would a collision with Pluto be enough to do the deed?
Well, I just remembered the handy-dandy Impact Calculator, and ran through the numbers for Pluto hitting Earth…
At lowest possible impact speed, the “Oceans would be boiled.” At the highest possible impact speed, Earth would be “shattred into a million tiny pieces.” Keep in mind that this calculator doesn’t compute the effects of a large impact on the target planet’s orbit. (Damn it.)
By the By, what method are we planning to use to MOVE Pluto, anyway? Arrays of Mass-Drivers the size of the Sears Tower? And how much energy would we need?
Seems simple enough to me… heck, we could even get space-time.
You see, human beings only have limits because we think we have limits. Remember that “faith as small as a mustard seed” deal? Well here, instead of being able to move mountains because you know you can move mountains, you just have to truly and genuinely convince yourself that you can destroy space-time. No half-assed I-think-I-can… you must know it, deep in your very soul, in every philosophical implication. Then you will Ascend. Oh, and destroy space-time. That too, if you feel like it.
(I read too much White Wolf… ah, Mage.)
It seems that if we had enough energy to move Pluto towards the Earth, we could use that same power to move the Earth into the Sun.
Of course, the Earth is quite a bit heavier than Pluto, but we could probably still at least get the Earth to collide with Venus.
Pluto’s already near Neptune. Timing it right, you could alter Pluto’s orbit a (relatively) small amount, and use Neptune to slingshot it towards Earth.
The impact calculator is great. By the way where I can a “Illudium Q-36 Space Modulator”? Seems better than waiting for something to hit the Earth.