Speak to me in George Carlin quotes

[Kobal2]

For years I asked god to do something about my noisy neighbour with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cocksucker out in ONE visit.

[MOIDALIZE]

Nik flut blarney quando flooooooooo!

[Mahaloth]

@RTFirefly

No, it’s from the Purgatory part of Carlin’s Heaven, Hell, Purgatory and Limbo routine. It’s on either Class Clown or Occupation: Foole, I can’t remember which.

It’s Class Clown. One guy was doing an eon for eating a hot dog on a Friday.
I always love the bit on losing things.

I hate to lose anything. I don’t like to lose anything cause… Where is it? See that’s basically the part that bothers me the most. I’m a practical guy… Where is it? “I just had it!” You know that feeling? “It was just here!” Where is it? “I don’t know.” it’s gone. “That’s true.” It’s lost. “That’s right”. Where could it be? “Could be anywhere”. Not here. “No, we know that”. Maybe it’ll come back. “Maybe but not yet.” There are some things, I don’t even care if I get them back, I just want to know where they went.

[outlierrn]

What if you get your 2 minute warning and your at a faith healers convention? You get in line, time it just right, get up on stage, he puts his hands on you and YOU DIE

[Nunavut_Boy]

Where did this sudden fear of germs come from in this country? Have you noticed this? The media constantly running stories about all the latest infections? Salmonella, E-coli, hanta virus, bird flu, and Americans will panic easily so everybody’s running around scrubbing this and spraying that and overcooking their food and repeatedly washing their hands, trying to avoid all contact with germs. It’s ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths.

In prisons, before they give you lethal injection, they swab your arm with ALCOHOL. Wouldn’t want some guy to go to hell AND be sick.Fear of germs, why these fuckin’ pussies. You can’t even get a decent hamburger anymore they cook the shit out of everything now ‘cause everyone’s afraid of FOOD POISONING! Hey, wheres you sense of adventure? Take a fuckin’ chance will you? Hey you know how many people die of food poisoning in this country? Nine thousand, thats all, its a minor risk.

Take a fuckin’ chance bunch of goddamn pussies.Besides, what d’ya think you have an immune system for? It’s for killing germs! But it needs practice, it needs germs to practice on. So if you kill all the germs around you, and live a completely sterile life, then when germs do come along, you’re not gonna be prepared. And never mind ordinary germs, what are you gonna do when some super virus comes along that turns your vital organs into liquid shit?! I’ll tell you what your gonna do … you’re gonna get sick. You’re gonna die and your gonna deserve it because you’re fucking weak and you got a fuckin’ weak immune system!

Let me tell you a true story about immunization, ok? When I was a little boy in New York city in the nineteen-forties, we swam in the Hudson river. And it was filled with raw sewage! OK? We swam in raw sewage! You know, to cool off. And at that time the big fear was polio. Thousands of kids died from polio every year. But you know something? In my neighborhood no one ever got polio. No one! EVER! You know why? Cause WE SWAM IN RAW SEWAGE! It strengthened our immune system, the polio never had a prayer. We were tempered in raw shit!

So personally I never take any precautions against germs. I don’t shy away from people who sneeze and cough. I don’t wipe off the telephone, I don’t cover the toilet seat, and if I drop food on the floor I pick it up and eat it!Even if I’m at side walk cafe! IN CALCUTTA! THE POOR SECTION! ON NEW YEARS MORNING DURING A SOCCER RIOT! And you know something? In spite of all the so called "risky behavior "… I never get infections. I don’t get em. I don’t get colds, I don’t get flu, I don’t get headaches, I don’t get upset stomach, And you know why? Cause I got a good strong immune system! And it gets a lot of practice!

My immune system is equipped with the biological equivalent of fully automatic military assault rifles with night vision and laser scopes. And we have recently acquired phosphorous grenades, cluster bombs and anti personnel fragmentation mines.

So, when my white blood cells are on patrol reconnoitering my blood stream seeking out strangers and other undesirables, and if they see any, ANY, suspicious looking germs of any kind, THEY DON’T. FUCK. AROUND. They whip out the weapons, they wax the motherfucker and deposit the unlucky fellow directly into my colon! Into my colon. There’s no nonsense! There’s no miranda warning, there’s none of that three strikes and your out bullshit. First defense, BAM! Into the colon you go!

[buddha_david]

Unless you work out, or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day you don’t always need a shower. All you really need is to wash the four key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth!

[Leaffan]

This is classic, and I support it wholeheartedly:

We’re so self-important. So self-important. Everybody’s going to save something now. “Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save those snails.” And the greatest arrogance of all: save the planet. What? Are these fucking people kidding me? Save the planet, we don’t even know how to take care of ourselves yet. We haven’t learned how to care for one another, we’re gonna save the fucking planet?

I’m getting tired of that shit. Tired of that shit. I’m tired of fucking Earth Day, I’m tired of these self-righteous environmentalists, these white, bourgeois liberals who think the only thing wrong with this country is there aren’t enough bicycle paths. People trying to make the world safe for their Volvos. Besides, environmentalists don’t give a shit about the planet. They don’t care about the planet. Not in the abstract they don’t. Not in the abstract they don’t. You know what they’re interested in? A clean place to live. Their own habitat. They’re worried that some day in the future, they might be personally inconvenienced. Narrow, unenlightened self-interest doesn’t impress me.

Besides, there is nothing wrong with the planet. Nothing wrong with the planet. The planet is fine. The PEOPLE are fucked. Difference. Difference. The planet is fine. Compared to the people, the planet is doing great. Been here four and a half billion years. Did you ever think about the arithmetic? The planet has been here four and a half billion years. We’ve been here, what, a hundred thousand? Maybe two hundred thousand? And we’ve only been engaged in heavy industry for a little over two hundred years. Two hundred years versus four and a half billion. And we have the CONCEIT to think that somehow we’re a threat? That somehow we’re gonna put in jeopardy this beautiful little blue-green ball that’s just a-floatin’ around the sun?

The planet has been through a lot worse than us. Been through all kinds of things worse than us. Been through earthquakes, volcanoes, plate tectonics, continental drift, solar flares, sun spots, magnetic storms, the magnetic reversal of the poles…hundreds of thousands of years of bombardment by comets and asteroids and meteors, worlwide floods, tidal waves, worldwide fires, erosion, cosmic rays, recurring ice ages…And we think some plastic bags, and some aluminum cans are going to make a difference? The planet…the planet…the planet isn’t going anywhere. WE ARE!

[Annie-Xmas]

@Mince

In baseball, you have the bunt. In football, you have the** bomb**.

Let’s quote the whole thing (but you have to view the youtube video to do it justice)

@George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allowed to touch the ball. In fact, in baseball if an offensive player touches the ball intentionally, he’s out; sometimes unintentionally, he’s out.

Also: in football,basketball, soccer, volleyball, and all sports played with a ball, you score with the ball and in baseball the ball prevents you from scoring.

In most sports the team is run by a coach; in baseball the team is run by a manager. And only in baseball does the manager or coach wear the same clothing the players do. If you’d ever seen John Madden in his Oakland Raiders uniform,you’d know the reason for this custom.

Now, I’ve mentioned football. Baseball & football are the two most popular spectator sports in this country. And as such, it seems they ought to be able to tell us something about ourselves and our values.

I enjoy comparing baseball and football:

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game.
Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

Baseball is played on a diamond, in a park.The baseball park!
Football is played on a gridiron, in a stadium, sometimes called Soldier Field or War Memorial Stadium.

Baseball begins in the spring, the season of new life.
Football begins in the fall, when everything’s dying.

In football you wear a helmet.
In baseball you wear a cap.

Football is concerned with downs - what down is it?
Baseball is concerned with ups - who’s up?

In football you receive a penalty.
In baseball you make an error.

In football the specialist comes in to kick.
In baseball the specialist comes in to relieve somebody.

Football has hitting, clipping, spearing, piling on, personal fouls, late hitting and unnecessary roughness.
Baseball has the sacrifice.

Football is played in any kind of weather: rain, snow, sleet, hail, fog…
In baseball, if it rains, we don’t go out to play.

Baseball has the seventh inning stretch.
Football has the two minute warning.

Baseball has no time limit: we don’t know when it’s gonna end - might have extra innings.
Football is rigidly timed, and it will end even if we’ve got to go to sudden death.

In baseball, during the game, in the stands, there’s kind of a picnic feeling; emotions may run high or low, but there’s not too much unpleasantness.
In football, during the game in the stands, you can be sure that at least twenty-seven times you’re capable of taking the life of a fellow human being.

And finally, the objectives of the two games are completely different:

In football the object is for the quarterback, also known as the field general, to be on target with his aerial assault, riddling the defense by hitting his receivers with deadly accuracy in spite of the blitz, even if he has to use shotgun. With short bullet passes and long bombs, he marches his troops into enemy territory, balancing this aerial assault with a sustained ground attack that punches holes in the forward wall of the enemy’s defensive line.

In baseball the object is to go home! And to be safe! - I hope I’ll be safe at home!

[Beware_of_Doug]

I was Catholic until I reached the age of reason. … I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

[Kobal2]

Not every ejaculation deserves a name.

[Sternvogel]

People we can do without (my favorites from several such lists):

Guys in their fifties named Skip.

Any lawyer who refers to the police as “the federales”.

Couples whose children’s names all start with the same initial.

People who say, “Knock knock,” when entering a room and, “Beep beep,” when someone is in their path.

A man with seven gold teeth who wants to play cards.

Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent.

[JKellyMap]

“One day, Thomas was in the yard. He heard another train whistling: Help! Help!”

What? Oh. Sorry. I blame it on my two-year-old.

Okay, there’s this:

“I don’t believe there’s any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can’t completely ignore.”

[Leaffan]

@Sternvogel

People we can do without (my favorites from several such lists):

Guys in their fifties named Skip.

Any lawyer who refers to the police as “the federales”.

Couples whose children’s names all start with the same initial.

People who say, “Knock knock,” when entering a room and, “Beep beep,” when someone is in their path.

A man with seven gold teeth who wants to play cards.

Athletes and coaches who give more than a hundred percent.

White guys, over the age of 14, wearing their ball caps backwards on their head.

[Leoj]

@buddha_david

Unless you work out, or work outdoors, or for some reason come in intimate contact with huge amounts of filth and garbage every day you don’t always need a shower. All you really need is to wash the four key areas: armpits, asshole, crotch, and teeth!

In fact, you can save yourself a whole lot of time if you simply use the same brush on all four areas!

[Mahaloth]

@Leaffan

White guys, over the age of 14, wearing their ball caps backwards on their head.

And guys named Todd. It’s just such a goofy name!

[buddha_david]

Something else I’m getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk I have to listen to about children. That’s all you hear about anymore, children: “Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You know what I say? FUCK THE CHILDREN!!!

[Leaffan]

@buddha_david

Something else I’m getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk I have to listen to about children. That’s all you hear about anymore, children: “Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You know what I say? FUCK THE CHILDREN!!!

You want to know what you can do to help your children? ** Leave them the fuck alone!**"

[MOIDALIZE]

@Mahaloth

And guys named Todd. It’s just such a goofy name!

I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinnie, and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle, and Tucker.

[Beware_of_Doug]

@buddha_david

Something else I’m getting tired of in this country is all this stupid talk I have to listen to about children. That’s all you hear about anymore, children: “Help the children, save the children, protect the children.” You know what I say? FUCK THE CHILDREN!!!

“Do we have time?”
NOTE: not Carlin content.

[Annie-Xmas]

If you don’t like the weather…MOVE!