Both of my parents were artists. I remember when my mother took me to the art museum, held me up to eye level, and explained how painters created certain effects and textures; how they shaped noses; how they made something look wet; how they accentuated distances and foreshortened.
My father taught me to have low self-esteem and “never amount to anything.”
My mother taught me two lessons about marriage that have stood me in good stead for nearly 51 years: Marriage is not a reform school (do not expect to change anything about your spouse you cannot stand). The most important person in your life is your spouse, not your children, not your parents.
That sums it up very well. Hats off to both our Dads.
Now those are some great parents.
“Don’t you know the Dewey Decimal systerm?”
How to identify and appreciate a good piece of pie.
My mother taught me a few words in Chimp, if that counts?
And it has a specific gravity of 3.1416 and a specific heat of .31416. 
Dad:
Your word is your bond,
Be consistent,
Treat all people with respect until…
Having the first, prettiest, largest, etc., is not what happiness is.
Their is no such thing as a fair fight.
All things gun, safety, hunting, deciding if it is worth killing over, etc…
And more.
Mom:
Love of child,
Make a bed, sweep floors, mop, wash dishes & clothes etc…
That people can really surprise you. ( When her Mother, Grandma W was a young woman, she could hit a running jack rabbit while riding side saddle on a horse at full gallop with a Colt .45 with 99% success. )
Changing diapers, baby sitting, how to read aloud and the need for it.
And much more.
It was funny, the ARMY only taught me two things. Marching.
I was never in a high school band or some such.
It also taught me about different kinds of people and that ‘manny’ more were more treacherous than I had thought before.
Both parents:
That no one is a special snowflake,
Bad things were not just going to happen to bad people,
That life is not fair.
My mother taught me to always read *everything * I sign. I also learned from her how to imitate her voice and drive my siblings wild with rage and laughter. And always order dessert.
My dad taught me how to use mulch-syallabic words when swearing, and never do it around my mother. He taught me not to buy a car at night, and to keep my mouth shut. He taught me about duct tape and cheap epoxy.
What are mulch-syllabic words? 
But that’s *whole *pie.
My Real Father (adoptive, not biological) taught me that, me being a girl, yes I did have to wipe even if I only peed. (Me on the toilet as he shaved, and I asked him.) Killed in a car wreck when I was 4 1/2. (Ironic since he stock car raced for fun, being a rum runner and bootlegger.)
Daddy (my step-father) taught me fear and pain, but also a work ethic that still brings me satisfaction. And, weirdly, affection. He knew how much I liked to read but sometimes around 2-3am he’d come turn off my ceiling light, then linger in the doorway singing “Irene, Goodnight.” The only person I remember tucking me in. Too tightly, quilt to my chin, mummified down my sides. I never let him know the times I was awake and felt it.
My mother (adoptive) taught me to hate myself. But she was funny and talented. It always made me wish…
When you bang your thumb with a hammer, you will shout words that when mistyped, are not, “multi-syllabic” but mulch-syllabic. Typos are confusing.
According to Ripley, the world’s longest cuss word is:
HIMMELHERRGOTTKREUZMILLIONENDONNERWETTER!
If you’re in a restaurant, and an argument between a couple results in a man hitting his wife, get hold of the wife. if you restrain the husband, the wife will take the opportunity to slug him.
And if you put your hands on the wife, she may slug YOU!
If your first husband assaulted you to the point of having a miscarriage, just tell people “you’ve had a miscarriage”. This is easier to do if you’ve remarried and had more kids since then, since it avoids awkward questions.
How to catch,clean and fillet a catfish (Father)
How to cook the thing (Mom)
Dad: How to shoot pool. If I had to, I could hustle pool, and pay all my bills.
Mom: How to be a good and kind person, but still never be taken advantage of.